Memorial Day Weekend was my ONE YEAR 30/10 anniversary. One FREAKING year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes I have been thinking about my weight. That’s a lot of time. I was also supossed to have released 100 pounds by then. THAT did not happen. It’s not like I was never thinking about it in the past…I thought about it all the time. But I thought about my weight in very superficial ways…”on the surface” type of thinking. This past year I thought about my weight in deep, meaningful, crazy ways. I have thought about my weight so much that at times I get sick of it and just want to-as my therapist calls it, “get numb”. Unfortunately I get numb by eating food. Ahhhh…the circle of life -throat clear- the circle of ADDICTION. So I went on vacation and ate whatever the hell I wanted then I went on stay-cations and ate and drank whatever the hell I wanted. I went out to dinner and ordered that burger and onion rings. I made cookies and desserts and delicious things. NUMB to thinking about food and my weight. And my reward for numbness? 15 pounds. Headaches. Knees that hurt and yoga poses that don’t quite feel as they should. Shitty ass sleep. Low self-esteem. Lethargy. Deep couch sitting while being annoyed that I am deep couch sitting. Ahhhh…#winning
Here is part of the transcript from my session today with David (for you newbs to the blog, David is my addiction therapist):
David: “You are not a dumb ass. You are an addict. You are not lazy. You are depressed. You are not stupid. You are striving to be numb.”
David: “It does not matter.”
Me: “Fuck you David”.
David: “Say it with me…’it does not matter'”
I love to hate that guy. It DOES matter! I HAVE to get to the bottom of this slump in my LIFE! WHY the hell was I SO on-point a few months ago and now I can’t tear myself away from the Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA? I NEED to get to the bottom of this so I can DELAY doing the real work of battling my addiction…of going back to thinking deeply about why I can’t just eat the freaking 30/10 food and be DONE with it all…not talking myself down from a ledge every freaking time I am Starbucks…from reminding myself 5000 times a day that “It’s just food!” I see you addiction…sneaky bastard. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. It’s like a gremlin that just hangs out in every corner of my brain. I just want it to leave. David says the only way it will leave me alone for longer stretches of time (notice he did not say it was going away for good) is to bring it out of the corners and shadows and deal with it. Fuck you David. It likes to be in the corner. I have two choices here…leave it in the corner and be deep couch sitting to infinity and beyond or deal with it and just get on with it all. 4 cups a veggies a day here I come!
So…how the hell do I get out of my funk? Here are my “funk rescue” ideas:
- Start blogging again-aka journaling.
- It gives me an outlet for my RAGE and potty mouth. I also swear in real life but it just sounds more badass in print. I count blogging as journaling and David says that counts so i’m going with it.
- I have also discovered Bullet Journaling. I think it’s going to be pretty awesome. It combines lots of different things for me so I am going to try it out this summer and see how it goes. Basically, it’s a journal, tracker, agenda, note keeper, and list holder all in one. People make them all fancy but I am just keeping it real and trying to stick to it every day. It’s a system a dude came up with and I am intrigued…so I am going to give it a whirl. Learn more about it by clicking the links below. You can also Google search it and a TON of stuff will come up. I also hashtag searched #bulletjournal on FB and Instagram and LOTS of things came up. I will post some things I am using it for in case your join the Bullet train and want some ideas.
- Follow the 30/10 plan. Uuhhhhhh.
- I have a TON of food left over from my TWO 30/10 rounds so I am going to finish up what I have a sign up for some more weeks. YES I know you can buy the food online but I NEED that weekly support. My 30/10 peeps have been SO supportive and kind and generous. They provide a safe space for me to vent and question and put on some headphones and zone out with Dr. Porter. And that $$$ makes is REAL real. Keepin’ it 100!
- Write down everything I put in my pie hole.
- Do something active every day.
- Yoga, walking, slogging, kayaking will be my go-to activities. No more deep couch sitting. I did get a new couch and it IS pretty nice…
- It really does help me stay focused and calm in moments of panic.
- Some days I do guided, some days I think of a word or phrase and I just sit with that. Some days I spend the whole time trying to remove thoughts from my head. That’s why meditation is also called a “practice”.
- Plan my days out- the night before the actual day.
- This is where my bullet Journal will come in handy…if I know I will be away from home lunch or dinner I need to PACK my lunch!
- Meal Plan!
- Grady signed up for a program/app called eMeals. Every week they send you dinner meal plans that are low carb and a shopping list! Grady has really taken over most of the cooking (awesome) and he is adjusting them to fit 30/10. We have had 5 meals planned by them and so far they have all been winners!
- Get a goal and make it VISIBLE.
- My goal is to release 38 pounds by September 1st. That is 3.17 pounds a week. I am going to SCREAM this to myself every time anything not on plan crosses my path. I might even make stickers and put them on my fridge and pantry and in my car and on my Starbucks cups…
- Get back to supporting others.
- This is really kinda self-serving…I get so much support in return for what I do. By helping others I get support. It’s like teaching…I am the one who is really going to school every day. Some days I get taken to school but those freaking high schoolers…
- YES…there is now a 30/10 Facebook support group that a fellow 30/10er is co-admining with me! I think it’s going to be pretty awesome. Struggle = KNOWLEDGE! There is a page and a link in the menu section of the blog now if you are interested in joining.
So yeah…those be my game plans. I think it’s similar to what I have done in the past. I really need to go back and read my old posts. That was one of the reasons I started this stupid thing in the first place! I knew I was going to get stuck and if I wrote about it the first time I probably wrote about how I got out of it. I left breadcrumbs…for MYSELF. #supersmart. I would love to know YOUR funk rescue ideas. I am always open to trying new things that could help! I really want to get out of this funk. Summer is like 11 days away and I won’t brown like a Hawaiian Tropic girl if my mind’s’ not right.
I do have to say- on those days that I was just NOT feeling it, your comments and questions really helped. I know those were not random…you are all here for a reason. Thank you.