And by results I mean in the physical and emotional form. In one week I have released 9.8 POUNDS! And NONE of that was water weight! I released 5 pounds of visceral fat and 5 pounds of fat from my trunk region. That is pretty amazing…even she was a bit shocked with those numbers. Most people indulge a little their first week and don’t see what they were hoping for. I however did not indulge at all and I was rewarded on the scale. I chose to say NO and that was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was distraught this week…I was overcome with fear and anxiety…with pity and sadness. My body is not only detoxing and withdrawing from unhealthy foods and unhealthy amounts of food but I am grieving an old lifestyle and habit. I am starting to understand my addiction and taking control of it. My brain AND my body has a lot of grieving to do and that is all ok and normal! I will write more about this isn a separate post. ALL things that I should have and will continue to feel…and my 30/10 coach and therapist helped me understand all that. I also had to adjust my overall weight goal a bit…just my skeleton, muscles, organs and water weight 151 pounds. That is a BIG frame and a lot of muscle. If I wanted to get to 180 pounds I would need to shed some muscle to achieve that and maintain it and losing some muscle is not always a good idea. So it is some food for thought as I move through this journey. My ideal “number”might not really be ideal for my body. But I have a STRONG body now…my bones are 98% dense…my muscles are 89% dense…I am well hydrated from week to week. I am a fit person under all this extra baggage! And because I am a fit person my body will burn the extra fat at a fast rate in the beginning…that is good news! It is nice to understand that under this layer of fat there is a healthy person there and that will not change. Thank you hot yoga!

I am also feeling the results emotionally. I do not feel any different of lighter…my clothes are not fitting differently. But I do feel a emotional weight lifting. It is extremely small and hard to feel but I know that it is there. I am starting to see that I can do this if I just commit to it…if I talk to my addiction and acknowledge it…if I just say NO and mean it. It is really going to suck and there WILL be days where I just say “Fuck it” and eat something I should not. It’s going to taste good for that moment but thats all it will be…a moment. And I think I am going to have a lot of those moments. But I already know that I cannot go back to being this size. The road is too hard…to rough…it will more than likely kill me. And I don’t want that. But I can already tell that eating whatever I happen to desire in that moment of weakness will NOT make my hunger go away. No “cheat” food will make my hunger go away. But it will give me a mental break from all of this head work…this hard work…it will provide a moment of reprieve from all this thinking. It will remind me of what I already know…it’s not going to satisfy. It is just simply one of life pleasures. It is meant to be enjoyed ever so often and then though of fondly without seeing it forever on a hip or arm. I think over time I will need this “reminder” less and less. How many times do you have to touch a glowing stove to know its hot? you might be asking and I get that…but some of us are thick headed (I wonder where I got that from FAMILY???)  and big boned and dammit its just going to take me some time for it to sink in. And at this moment in time I am ok with that. Call it stupidity…call it recovery…call it life. How many times did you do something today that you know you should’t have? Something that you knew the results of would not be pretty. If only that cop wasn’t there…I probably should have not one more drink…I should have only bought one kayak and not too…Yeah…don’t act like you don’t know…so don’t judge. Welcome to the club.

I am also understanding the difference between appetite and hunger. My APPETITE is what is driving me to eat food…my hunger will tell me if I need food or not. I just have not quite been able to distinguish the two. THAT is the addiction speaking…trying to mess me up and make me do something stupid. Will I desire some foods because of their taste and texture and memory? YES but that is going to take some time to learn how to enjoy in moderation. I do kinda get what everyone says about anyone with an addiction….one drink is not enough and ten is too many. One breakfast sandwich will not be enough to fill me up and satisfy my appetite and ten will pack the pounds right back on. It might make me full one day but if I don’t get a grip on my addition 10 breakfast sandwiches wont fill me up either. This is what makes food addiction SO hard…you have to eat…you have to feel full because that is your body’s natural way to tell you that you have had enough.

Before global trade humans had no idea the food options that existed. People rarely ate for pleasure…they ate for hunger. Sure each region or geographic loCal had their “treats” but they were seasonal and you STUFFED yourself when you could and then went 9 months without them. Todays modern world makes every kind of food and combination of food available…and convenient…and impossible to resist human taste buds. We are designed to crave things that give us energy…carbs..sugars…Starbucks. But those were RARE back in the caveman days…even in the Victorian age. And of  COURSE they want to make it taste good…they want you to crave it and therefore spend $6.53 on a delicious coffee beverage that happens to contain 900 calories. If Starbucks really cared about me they would have come up with a no calorie Iced Mocha by now…they have the cash reserves for THAT R&D! They want your money…and your loyalty…and your money again. And really…why would doctors want you to be healthy…they would be out of a job and so would all the companies making TRILLIONS and TRILLIONS of dollars “fixing” you? Cancer…AIDS…MS…different stories. But what if these unthinkable diseases were brought on by food? Yeah…go down that rabbit hole. Its fucking nuts. So I won’t…but it is a modern day phenomenon…sure fat people existed back in the day but they were usually rich and could afford a bunch of good tasting food! Most people were dirt poor and ate dirt…so you know…times have changed RAPIDLY and we humans are just to stupid to realize that we are actually killing ourselves. IDIOTS!

Lastly, I am understanding that my addiction is not a source of shame. It is apart of me now and has been for a LONG time and there is no changing that. How I interact with the addiction will change. But to do so I also have to make it human…I have to make it a tangible part of me. I have to acknowledge it, talk to it, interact with it, keep it public and open. I have to treat it with respect and understand it before I cant DESTROY IT! I also have to let myself grieve the ending of its control. For YEARS it was by best friend…it was a comfort and a support. It was a go to when I did not know what else to do. David described it like losing a close friend. You grieve that loss…that stability and laughter and joy. Your body PHYSICALLY reacts to that loss. The grieving process is letting go of that loss and coming to terms with the new reality. It is a PHYSICAL process- which explains my REAL hunger pains. My body is grieving and I need to let that happen. He gave me permission to have a pity party and dammit I am going to do that…I am going to do that often. I am not going to beat myself up over the years hanging out with my addiction but I am going to acknowledge it and grieve its departure. Bad news is that takes a while…maybe even a lifetime. With time- like all losses- they become more manageable and easy to bear. The burden lessens and sad memories tend to shift to positive ones. I am still grieving the loss of relationships and one person in particular was a TOTAL AND COMPLETE DUCHE BAG! But that is the process and the more I think and acknowledge the less heavy they become. So too will this. I don’t always believe it but people who have gone through suffering all say it is so…so it must be so. SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE DONE! Thank you Ramesses for those epic words of wisdom.

In this video clip below I imagine that Ramesses is my support network sharing with me their stories of survival from struggle…I am Moses trying to understand and accept my fate…and that sneaky bitch Nefertiti as my addiction…just standing there not knowing what to do…her world turned upside down gasping for life and air…she gets her’s in the end though! Her first born dies-my addiction is my first born!

So yeah…to summarize…I am SUPER happy with the results. Seeing those numbers does make last week’s suffering more understandable. I continue to learn more about myself, my addiction, and my future. I am also understanding that this is going to be a long long LONG road and that I will need the continued support. And really…its just going to take a shift of my circle to make this happen. I am not worried about that. They will make this shift because they want to and not because I am asking them. The program and the week ahead is still going to SUCK. But at least I have a better idea of WHY it is going to suck…that there are facts and numbers and hard evidence to back up these feelings and pains. And who doesn’t like FACTS!