I started following Emily Ho, a body-positive blogger a few months ago. She too is on a journey and has inspired me along my own journey. Today her post was titled “Transparency Tuesday”. It was a the reminder/push/ass kicking I needed to write again about my own journey and be transparent about it again. It has been 27 days since my last post so it’s time to check in with reality, be transparent, and once again apart of the world outside my head. If I stay in my head bad things happen. So here is a recap of what has happened in the last 27 days:

• I hosted a fabulous happy hour for a former colleague who was in town visiting. 

• Went on a family date night that included dinner, a show, AND dessert.

• I worked…I worked a lot.
• I tutored someone who reminds me of the kids I used to serve.
• I went to yoga…lots of yoga. Then stopped going to yoga.
• Got two massages.
• I was shocked when I saw spring appear in the middle of winter. 

• Laughed with Lewis Black.
• Made an amazing video filled with memories that took A LOT out of me FYI.
• Celebrated 25 years of marriage.
• Celebrated 60 years of life in GREAT GATSBY style.

• Attended an Equity in Education conference that shook me to my professional and personal core.
• Started a meditation course at my yoga studio.
• I found (gained) 7 pounds. They were just laying there on the street and everyone walked past them! Who throws away 7 pounds…

When I look back on that list a few trends appear: I did a lot of socializing, my brain worked a ton, I had some laughs, did a lot of celebrating, and ate a lot of food. And party food- not regular food. My last 27 days have been GOOD days- they have been busy and filled with joy. What has not been good is my eating during those days. I am having a hard time getting my good days to also be good food days. I am having a very hard time saying no. Whats new…#transparenttuesday.

That IS my issue-I have a hard time saying no. I CAN say no but I rarely do. Sometimes it’s easier and I can just say it an mean it- NO! I can type it…that is not a problem.  Typing and speaking then turning my spoken word into action is proving extremely challenging.  My issue is not just saying NO around and about food. I can’t say no to social things, work opportunities, 5K’s, cute clothes at Nordstroms, books…all the things I love. Of course I could say NO! but I have been saying more “yes” than “no” the past 27 days.  I am having a VERY difficult time focusing. #transparenttuesday. I REALLY am having a difficult time focusing. I know it’s because I just don’t want to do anything. I am feeling unmotivated in all facets of life. I want to not deal with life at the moment because I feel that I have SO much to do so I am just remaining in my constant state of undiagnosed ADHA. I have a SHIT TON of work that I SHOULD be doing and am not. I  have a pretty full social calendar that keep staring me in the face every time I check it (no all of those fun things are NOT going away nor should they). Life is moving on and my ass just wants to stay here in hopes that the sheer weight will stop if all together.

So here is what I am doing to get to NO and FOCUSED:

• I am working-literally working and thinking and writing- in my book group book The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. I am meeting with my book group people and saying all this shit out loud and getting listening and empathic ears. I have narrowed down my core desired feelings to “light” and “focused” (See a theme here?). I am starting to define what those two feelings mean to me and WHAT they or it would look like every day if I was living for those feelings.
• I enrolled in a meditation class that has kinda rocked my chakras. The first class was all about the difference between meditation and the result of meditation. Didn’t understand the difference until the class. Meditation is the tool you use to get to the result- the inner nothingness. Let me tell you…that inner nothingness if fucking impossible. The entire time I was “meditating” and my brain could get to a place where I was JUST counting my breaths and thinking of NOTHING else a little voice from the back of my brain said “Why are you doing this? You are LITERALLY doing nothing. Why are you doing nothing when you have so much you LITERALLY have to do. Who does nothing? Who seeks nothing? Why the hell are you doing?” So as you can see…meditation class is a battlefield of thoughts for me at the moment. More to come on this topic. CLIFFHANGER!
• I am trying to understand the difference between my desires and my intentions. People use these words interchangeably but they in fact have very different meanings and actions and results. What I have come up with SO far is that desires are things that you want and crave…but have not take any steps towards getting. Desires also come with some pretty negative emotions and thoughts if those desires go unfulfilled. Intentions are desires that you have actually planned out how to get. Both express positive attitudes towards something but one is about thinking and the other is about doing. More to come on this later…I am still formulating. I still have not figured out if this all really matters in my journey or if I am using this as just another reason that I cannot “start” yet because I have not figured it all out yet…I don’t have the right mind set or understanding to move forward…(my addition is one smart ass biatch)
• I am using my breath more in yoga as apart of the practice and not just something that keeps me alive in the heat torture chamber that is my yoga studio. Seeing the breath as part of the asanas (poses) and not apart from them has made a difference. I can remain more FOCUSED in class when the breath is apart of my deliberate movement.
• I am scheduling time on my calendar to meditate and bake cookies and shop for easter and make parent phone calls and print reports. I am also writing down every random ass thought that comes into my head when I should be working/practicing/reading/sleeping/driving then letting those thoughts GO…very Zen baby…
• I am thinking ahead about my days and problem solving obstacles that could derail my healthy food choices for the day. Every heard of WOOP? Its kinda cool…thinking about using it with my students who just can’t get their shit together.
• I am trying to come to grips with not releasing the weight in a year. I desired that but I don’t think I really knew what it would take to make that happen. I still don’t think I fully understand. But if I keep beating myself up over a desired timeframe then I will never move on from this.

So to make this a real #transparenttuesday I am going to share with you my INTENTIONS for the rest of the year (until they change):

1. Release more weight.
   1. Pretty self-explanatory. I want to feel lighter in every sense of the word. (One of my core desired feelings)
2. Be more focused on the present.
   1. When it is time to work, I need to work. When it is time to play, I need to play and not think about work. I need to focus on what my present TASK or DUTY and just do that. I hope this will lead to that time producing more quality.
3. Devote the time in the areas that require me.
   1. I feel I have four big areas of my life: Work, Play, Personal, Relationship.
      1. Work is all about what I do to make money and feel good while doing it. If I am not feeling good while making money I need to make some changes…small changes.
      2. Play is all about having fun and feeling joy. I need to play every day.
      3. Personal is all about ME; understand and acknowledging and learning about me. MY TIME!
      4. Relationships are all about the people who interact with me. I need to devote time to those who devote it to me. If things come up outside of these areas then tough shit. Well not really but I think you get the point…these four things are my priority. 
4. Build some definition.
   1. Any definition I can make in my physical appearance will be a step in the right direct. My definition at the moment could be described as “dough like”.
   2. Mentally definition will come when I can clearly define and focus my understand and roles in my life’s areas. Being able to focus will be a huge mental definition for me.
   3. Emotionally I would like to define where I stand with myself, my work place, my community, my beliefs. I would like to better define my emotions…my true emotions.