Day 184: Delaying the Inevitable

My husband is a total asshole. I just want to punch him in the face every time I see him. He points out the obvious in the MOST obnoxious way. He also calls me “Mamma” or “Mamma Bear”. ASSHOLE. I am NOT your MOTHER and I am most certainly not a bear! He says “But your my mamma!” Last time I checked you have a mom..she is a lovely wonderful person…I am your WIFE. BIG DIFFERENCE.

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I was eating something the other day that was not on plan and he was questioning WHY I was eating it. NO DUH ASSHOLE! I want to chew though the walls to the nearest Starbucks and get a mocha! This ______ will do the trick for now. Unless you want me to start eating your face like Silence of the Lambs? Your choice…He was SUCH a jerk about the whole thing too…asking me questions like “Why are you having such a hard time with this mamma? You were doing so good a few months ago. Whats wrong”? AAHAGAHAHAHAH You over-caring and involved ASSHOLE! Let me eat my _____ in PEACE and wallow in my sadness when I am done eating it! I dont want to talk about the WHY…I just want to eat and get over whatever emotional hurdle has presented itself this day. He also thinks we have a big rat in the house…a rat who eats Frangos in my office. Can you believe that! He is allowing us to live with this big nasty rat…UNBELIEVABLE. ASSHOLE.

During one of these “wonderful” conversations he asked me, “Why are you delaying the inevitable?” I think I just flipped him off and left the house for yoga. Delaying the inevitable…what they hell does HE know?!? Doesn’t he know that humans wait until catastrophe before taking action? The globe is melting and gas is a .70 cents a gallon…DRIVE ON HUMANS! Drive on…That question SO irritated me.

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Why am I delaying the inevitable…why? Why AM I delaying the inevitable? In the 10 week or however long Grady has been doing 30/10 he has dropped I think close to 40 pounds. He seems to be immune to Starbucks and teriyaki…he has his kryptonite but seems to be able to avoid it’s deathly pull. Then again he is not an addict. He likes pop and candy like everyone but I dont think he depended on his substances like an addict does. He ate those things because they tasted good…not because he was using them as a substance. I did the program for 15 weeks and dropped 45 pounds. It was a rollercoaster- the beginning was awful then it got easy and doo-able, then it got really hard again. By that time my 15 weeks was up and I signed up for another 15 weeks but I was BURNT OUT. I was tired of doing it. I was not tired of losing weight but I was tired of the program and their food. I stated missing enjoying food and while maybe that is the goal it seemed like a pretty cruel goal. Then the holidays came and now i’m here…January 19th…wondering why I am delaying the inevitable.

So when I think about that question-Why am I delaying the inevitable?- I have a few ideas. And a few answers to my own ideas. I am trying to be proactive here...

  • 1: I am back to being hungry all the time and that sucks. The 30/10 food does not seem to be filling me up and I have a hard time being hungry. I am REALLY trying to pause and talk myself down from the hunger ledge. Some days it work and some days it doesn’t. Oh…the asshole just walked in with a Frango! Oh…its for me…well…that was nice…at least I know HE IS THE RAT!!! Asshole…I digress…
    • Being hungry I think is just going to be my normal for a while…maybe for life. On 30/10 you are getting EVERYTHING that your body needs. You are not nutritionally deficient. That hunger is just a sign that things are shrinking or readjusting to your life on plan. I have to start thinking about hunger differently. 
    • I also have to get back to setting weekly goals. When I REALLY want something and am having a hard time breaking the cycle I have to LOOK at my goal. Will eating that or doing this help me reach my goal? If the answer is no the action must represent that. Hunger in this case can represent progress. I have to get back to being hungry because I am hungry…not fake addiction hungry. 
  • 2: Having lost some weight I am kinda feeling better about myself? I know how to maintain my new weight and have ZERO desire to go back to being fatter than I currently am. Besides, I have given away all my bigger closes. No looking back. This plays into my dooms day theory- I was looking REAL bad when I started 30/10. I look at pictures of myself 6 months ago and cant believe I didn’t see it. Addiction is blind I guess. I still don’t feel GREAT about how I look…but I do feel slightly better about it. That too goes in stages. Somedays I feel like the nastiest most unhealthy fattest person living. Those are really bad days because then I start to shame myself about delaying 30/10…about my apparent inability at the moment to just do it and get it over with. Those are dangerous days. The shame can lead to eating and that leads to more eating. It’s hard to break out of the cycle of shame!
    • I might never be happy with how my body looks. That might be a reality. I DO have to be happy with my health and I am not yet happy about my health. I am still obese…I still am in the danger zone for deadly everything. I still have rolls and fat in places it should not be and that does not make me happy. I am still not fit…I gasp for air most days at yoga. As I discovered tonight I cannot hold my arms above my head and extend one leg to the side without doing it with fidelity. Weak sause. 
    • I have to focus on my health and my overall visceral fat. The fat has to be released. That is the bottom line. 
  • 3. We are going to try to start a family here again real soon…5 months or so. I HAVE to get the weight off by then. Well I know I dont HAVE To but it has been doctor recommended and my body is telling me that it wants the weight off before anything drastic. But then I will get fat again. Do you know how terrifying that is? I am going to lose the weight to get huge again. If I cant get this thing under control am I going to lose control when I am pregnant? Do they even make plus sized pregnant clothes? TERRIFYING. And I am not the person who is just dying to have kids. I really like my time…my yoga…my reading and free time. All that I DO know is that I dont want it to be just me and the asshole 20 years from now. But if we dont start now I really will be to old and Grady is already old. Our kids just might skip dad and call him grandpa.
    • I have to get over being pregnant. I have to get over this life and prepare for a new one. I have to be OK with not being able to plan out the new life. I  have to just deal with it as it comes when it comes. That is NOT easy for me. I am a planner. I think I have to just do it and cry about it later. 
    • I have to seek out counseling while pregnant to keep my addiction in CHECK. I have to get real close with my doctor to help me though it all. I need to actually spend some time on Google and find some plus size maternity clothes. 
  • 4. I am tired of working at this. I want this to be done and over and normal life to commence again. Before 30/10 I dont remember craving things like I do now or being as hungry all the time as I am now. I just want to go back to normal!
    • Reality check: You never had “cravings” because you just ate what ever you wanted most of the time. True I did not eat chocolate before like I crave it now…I did not crave pizza and burgers like my life depended on them. Some of these things are mind games that are being played as I battle my addiction. Whatever I “cant” have on plan is now the only things I want. 
    • I could eat what ever I wanted but that is only delaying the inevitable…it is prolonging this situation even further. This is not getting me to the end and I REALLY want the end here. 
    • How we eat now IS normal life…this will be life from now until death. (I REALLY hope in afterlife you can eat whatever the hell you want and remain a fit size 8). Normal life is healthy eating with indulgences once in a while. Time to get this through my thick skull. 
    • The harder I work at this the easier it will get. I know this…I have done and experienced this before. 

So today I drank my 30/10 shake for breakfast, had my 30/10 lunch, ate my 30/10 snack, went to yoga and had a 90% on plan dinner. We had lettuce wrap tacos. I has sour cream and cheese. Not my old amounts but they were present none the less. Today was better than yesterday. Today I wanted to make chicken salad for lunch. I refrained and just make the damn 30/10 Sloppy Joe mix. It tasted meh…real meh. Yesterday was better than Sunday. (Girls night= wine and LEGIT tacos). Progress. I am going to start tracking my food again this week. Small steps. I am also going to set some weight releasing goals for this Thursday and every Thursday thereafter until I the only goal I need is to maintain. We have been sticking to our meal plan so far this week (2 DAYS! GOLD STARS)! I do think that helps too…kinda. Sometimes it just reminds us of what we are not having (burgers, pizza, teriyaki- DAM YOU TV COMMERCIALS!)

Moral of this story– stop delaying the inevitable. Set some goals and compare your wants to those goals. Do it for my health and not how I want or hope to look. Keep going to yoga. Keep writing about it all. Keep reading about addiction and how to overpower the cycle of addiction. Keep talking to Grady about that pet name…seriously hun…I am NOT your mamma. I think YOU need to see someone about that…

budda

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