Days 15-19: Lost and Found

Lost: Staying on plan this week.

Found: My passion for reading.

Lost: Summer BBQing

Found: My relationship with my husband.

Lost: Some time spend with friends.

Found: My willpower at Starbucks.

Lost: My willpower at Starbucks.

Found: Encouragement just when I needed it. 

Lost: Staying on plan this week. Well…I broke down today and ate something off plan. My carefully crafted day blew up and by the time it reached 5:30pm I had only eaten my 30/10 cereal and some egg whites. And those were consumed at 8:30 am this morning. My plan was to see the doc…run to work to print some things and come home to work and eat. Then leave my house at 3:00pm for a meeting at Starbucks in Tukwila and be home by 7pm for dinner. I would drink my smoothie on the way to Tukwila. Of course NONE of this happened. I did see the doc and I did go to work right on schedule. Then the things I needed to print would not and I spend about a hour on the phone and dealing with technology. I then had a much needed conversation with the work hommies which sucked up another hours worth of work. Between battle the tech issues I got some work done then just had to leave to go somewhere to get what I needed to print in the first place. OK- now I am home and its 2:30. I shower, get dressed, and leave the house my smoothie pack which I will consume in the car! YEAH me! But do I make the smoothie in the garage? NO. I attempt it at a stop light where the packaged contents explode in my car and on me. Too late to turn back…I am on a deadline. Now I am late, frustrated, dirty and pissed of. Not a great combo for me. I ate something that was not only plan.

Found: My passion for reading. This weekend I read cover to cover two books. Gone Girl and A Year Withour Sugar. Gone Girl= amazing. Just going to say I called it…bitch is CRAZY and the ending is even crazier. Just freaking nuts. Dont think I will see the movie…the book is just too good. Sunday I read A Year Without Sugar. Equally crazy. A young family gives up added sugar (fructose) for one whole year. It is the perfect balance of science, discoery, and a how to play-by-play. It was really inspirational…and eye opening. That book and today really made me realize that food is EVERYWHERE. I mean you can’t go to Joanne Fabrics or Best Buy without encountering food…or something they claim is food. It really is everywhere. You can get anything anytime anywhere. And it has all been “engineered” to be irresistable. Go figure…To say the least that book has sparked my interest in learning all I can about that sweet poison and sharing it with the world…or myself.

Lost: Summer BBQing. As Grady and I were sitting on the dock watching the world go buy and the sun set the sweet sweet smell of BBQ wafted over the waves. Our mouths instantly started watering. We looked at eachother and though the exact same thing…we missed BBQing. Its not that we can still BBQ something…but the BBQ meal would now be different. Bot forever but for this summer. Instead of a big juicy burger dripping with all the fixings and chips and some big slices of watermelon we would be cooking plain burgers with some feta…lettuce wrapped with nothing extra. No fruit…no chips..no buns. It would just not be the same. That was a real downer.

Found: My relationship with my husband. Grady is living in Olympia helping his dad out at his business. I am living her in Federal Way until the end of the school year. This has ben the arrangement for 6 weeks and it will continue for two more. Grady and I am that couple who needs to be together. We both function better together. Never thought that would be the case but it is. We LOVE our free time away from eachother. But we for the most part like to be together. This living apart thing is NOT working. And on top of that we are still not over the miscarrage. That hit us both hard and in different ways. We just have not been on the same page about things and we are both greiving in our own ways. But this weekend it was just the two of us. For 3 straight uninterrupted days. We didn’t do anything special…we didn’t talk about anything deep or super meaningful. We were jsut together and laughing and going on boat rides and kayaking and making dinner together. It was just what we needed. I feel like we are finally getting back on track after some rough and rocky months.

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Lost: Some time with friends. I didn’t go to the retirement party 😦 The time with Grady become second to my food struggle this weekend. At one point I was so desperate for a trat I was rummaging through the treat drawer. Grady sneaked up behind me and foiled my plan. Bastard. Did I want to go to that party and spend all of my mental energy thinking of the food I could not enjoy? Excuse me…the food I was choosing to not eat? Would I be spending all my mental energy trying to say NO? At the time my answer was yes. I wanted to know that my entire mental capacity would be spent on my friends and the celebration and I knew that would not be the case. My friend graciously understood and I thank her for that. I needed to stay at the lake where 99% of the food in that house is on plan. Minus the Chocholate Covered Mac Nut Carmel Clusters hidden away in the corner of the pantry. I SEE YOU NUT CLUSTERS! Again- F U Grady.

Found: My will power at Starbucks. I had an afternoon meeting there today. I ordered a Venti Iced Green Tea with one Splenda. It was DELICIOUS! YEAH ME! The smells were heavenly but I could tell that a Frap would have sent me over the edge. They SMELLED too sweet. Its hard to think I would enjoy one of those as often as I did. I am sure it would still taste delicious- but my guts would pay the price a few short hours later. I choose the tea and the tea was perfect!

Lost: My will power at Starbucks. I was so hungry I was light headed. I stood up from the table and had to sit down. I was starving. No starvation pains…just pure starvation. My body needed food and the only food was at Starbucks. So instead of risking my hour drive home in traffic light headed I bought a Protien Bistro Box. Hard boilde degg, almonds and dried cranberries, apple slices, and some peanut butter. It tasted GREAT. The apples? Best. Thing. Ever. Again- very sweet and not what I susally think of when I eat an apple. I feel bad for a few reasons. I am mad at myself for not prepairing or thinking ahead enough. I am mad that I was SO hungry and never stopped for just a few minutes today to make my snack work in the car. I am MAD that I have to do this stupid ass program to release weight. It is REALLY starting to piss me off. Why cant I just wake up tomorrow and be 100 pounds lighter? Is that so FREAKING hard to ask? Or can I just give up sugar for a week and all my fat will melt away? And why can’t I have some FUCKING fruit!!!! Or some nuts??? How about some hummus? M brain is craving something other than the 30/10 food. I am over this…week 3 is the 7 year itch of the 30/10 program. I am going to share this with my coach Thursday.

Found: Encouragment just when I needed it. A message just to check in came at just the right moment. How was I doing? HORRIABLE. I am a failure and I want to give up. I messed up today and I am going to pay the price Thursday. Rational friend: Why would you do that..it was one day? And you ourder WHAT ar Starbucks? So something healthy? And no Frap? I might count that will power as a win. So today sucked. Get over it and do tomorrow on plan. Then meet with your coach Thursday and talk about it. Irrational me: WHAT? Are you crazy!!! Oh…I guess that makes sense. Yeah…You are probally right. I opened another card; I quote ” Fucking KNUCKLE out this program and keep that motivation and drive throughout life” Side note- I DO know that KNUCKLE is spelling wrong. Inside joke. But YES I am a HORRIABLE speller and this is just how I spell it so there….they dont pay to to teach SPELLING. I do just need to clentch my fists until my knuckles are white and just get through. I have to keep on keeping on.

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2 thoughts on “Days 15-19: Lost and Found

  1. I am really enjoying your blog! You write so well. I am sure this is helping in the success of your adventure. Keep up the good work April! You are the April of boom! You have a ton of encouragement floating around out here! Hugs

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    1. Thanks Boots! I have enjoyed writing about it all. It’s like another branch of therapy 🙂 It also keeps me honest and accountable!

      Like

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