That really sums up the weekend…sprinkles, Smirnoff, and sun! Our friends arrived Friday evening to catch the last few rays of sunshine…we woke up Saturday to some rain sprinkles and decided to make the best of it with some wet kayaking and bocce ball on the lawn! We filled our afternoon with some Left, Right, Center and Phase 10 -I lost with dignity- while enjoying some delicious adult beverages. We finished off the night with the longest Uno game on record and did not even tip our toes in the hot tub. Sunday we all drug our asses out of bed around 10ish to the glow of sunshine, made some breakfast, and just like that it was time for out friends to go home. I think this is the first lake weekend on record when we did NOT go swimming or float on the islands or attempt to swim our beers out to Tahiti Island without getting water into them. We just visited, played games, and got in some much needed rest. It was a GREAT weekend.

I DID enjoy some adult beverages this weekend…I also ate some biscuits and gravy…french toast…and some pineapple. It was ALL delicious but I am feeling HEAVY. I can feel that food sticking around to my insides. I also woke up this morning feeling like my hands were a bit swollen…a feeling I am attributing to the booze consumed Saturday night. But all in all I thought I did pretty good when compared to my past. Last year I alone would have polished off a 5th over a weekend no problem. (I have what medical professionals consider a SUPER LIVER! I can digest booze faster than a speeding train!) But between my friend and I we didn’t even finish one 5th together. I wanted to be conscious of what I was drinking and how much and we both did not want to wake up either morning feeling like crap. We are just seriously too old for this shit or we are so out of practice that we are back to rookie drinking status. What ever way to want to look at it it’s a sign of maturity…a sign that we are getting smarter as we age…oh who cares. We have better shit to do with our time than spend all day recovering in front of the TV feeling like shit. We were making the drinks “healthier” too by mixing our booze with sparkling water! No sugar added here! Small victory’s will hopefully add up to many many many more years of drinking on docks. We also refrained from mindless snacking…did not have dessert all weekend (despite my ingenious idea of making S’mores DIP)…and did something active by kayaking. It was a “grown up” weekend of sorts!

My friend did ask me a good question. She wanted to know if now that I have been doing the program for a while and know what its all about, would I rather indulge and lose at a slower pace or never indulge and lose at a faster pace? My initial reaction was INDULGE! I can only go so long before I would snap. I also think that indulging along the way SAFLEY with the help of a THERAPIST is the only way to go. Because one indulgence can and will lead to another then another then another. If I had NOT been working with a therapist I would now know they signs of relapse to watch out for, I would not have the inner dialogue between my addition and my brain, I really would not even know that my addiction was doing all the talking and directing my every move in life without him. Without his help I could see how 30/10 would have gone. I would have followed the program to a T for a few weeks, then “rewarded” myself with a treat for all my hard work (makes no sense here…that is addiction talking control of your rational brain.). Then I would have still seen a “loss” at the scale and continued to indulge and indulge until I could prove that the program was not working even though I was following it. (again- not logical and neither is addiction). So…indulging safely along the way has taught me some great lessons and I would not have gotten them with my brain ON of food and a therapist to guide the way. Grady if course then butted into the conversation (Mr. Loupe ALWAYS needs to be in on whats in…) and HE said that he would rather never indulge and just lose the weight faster…that equates to babies faster. Two things about his observation bug the shit out of me. I am the one DOING this…I know what it feels like to say no to things and what that inner dialogue actually sounds and feels like. Mr. Things Sneak Into my Cart at the Grocery Store and I Eat Them Before Getting Home thinks that to say “no” is effortless. And TWO- baby=more work for me…mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am ALREADY going through the ringer trying to release the weight of a TWEEN…I cannot IMAGINE the work that will go into growing one. Both of his observations really have nothing to do with the struggle…they only focus on the outcome which also pissed me off. It IS the struggle that is important!!! So I stewed on his responses all weekend and came to a conclusion: in the end it really is not about the journey**. Yeah yeah yeah I hear you…”but the journey is what it is all about…it where you learning and grow and”….blah blah blah. I get that. **But I think the journey only matters if you don’t know your destination. Then YES look around and observe and think and wonder…let the journey help you determine WHAT your destination is. But if you already have a destination…the journey really doesn’t matter. You will just do what you HAVE to do to get to your destination. Have to swim through shark infested waters after JUST shaving your legs? Hike a snowy mountain during a blizzard? Walk over a snake covered floor to get to the chalice? OK fine…whatever…just let start so I can get there faster. It reminds me of my mentality during my Masters Degree…it was just a big fucking hoop I had to jump through to get to keep my job and open up some new opportunities. Sit through 35 boring-ass classes with people who have never been teachers while paying $20,000 while imagining punching these-fresh out of college 22 year olds brain suck the life of of me through there idiotic ideas and notions about teaching-people in the face? OK fine…tkae my money and give me my schedule…bring on the brain suckers. So…back to my friends earlier question: I guess it really does not matter if I indulge or not. I know I will get there in the end…I have a plan in place and a plan in place for when I indulge and no matter what happens in between just does not matter…the end IS insight and is within my grasp. I am pausing along the journey and taking COPIOUS notes (I like school and learning…just not other stupid people who like school). Maybe I am wrong here…maybe it’s a 50/50 combo…but at this point the journey takes a back seat to just getting there. I am kinda over my husbands comments but am NOT over nature for seemingly burdening women with unfair and unequal gender work loads. Creative life, do the laundry, AND make dinner in the same day…TOO MUCH NATURE! TOO MUCH!

Our friends also gifted me with a wonderful reminder to stay the course. REFUSE TO SINK! A great motto to reflect to when the seas just get too rough. I have always been drawn to water. Lakes, rivers, seas, oceans…you name it I want to be there. I spent my summers in Summit Lake and Hood Canal, took my vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, Normandy, France, Sitka and Skagway. I am just drawn to it. It always looks different yet familiar. It feels different but then again it doesn’t. It is calming and centering and fun and reflective…it is the essence of life. So refusing to sink I get…I was swimming before I was walking…I can float like a sea otter and dive like a whale. The key to swimming (not sinking) is taking it slow, taking time for breaks, just floating when you get too tired, and finding a rhythm between your stroke and breath that will sustain you until the end. I am kinda doing the same thing now with my weight and this struggle. I am taking it slow, taking breaks here and there, stopping to reflect and learn along the way and finding a balance between life and addiction. So you know…it was just kinda meant to be.