Man…this week has been HARD. My cravings are back…not drinking is REALLY starting to wear on me…I have not been motivated to write…I have not been keeping my daily food journal…I cheated on Sunday and had a Blizzard and it made me feel ike shit physically and mentally…I am tired of the 30/10 food…I am freaking out about the two big vacations we have coming up…school ended but I feel like I am still working. There is no break in sight in my weight releasing journey or for work. I am tired…exhausted really. I feel like my progress is TOO slow. I am unsettled and I dont like that feeling.
I can feel my body changing in little ways. My legs bend further that before..they dont hurt as much when I go up stairs. I FELL ASLEEP last night without taking ANYTHING. My sleep was no SOUND but I did not have to take anything to fall asleep and it has been YEARS since that has happened. Good things are happening…but they do not seem to be outweighing the bad things at the moment.
All of the skills and techniques and understanding that has occurred over these past few weeks is not lost on me…but in the moment of dispare and anger and feelings of deprivation those things escape your brain. Its like you have dementia…you forget it all and ALL you can think about and focus on is the negative things. You see something and it triggers a craving. You do something and it triggers an emotion and all you can think about is what you CANT do or have. That whole “Its a CHOICE” thing flys out the window and all you can think about is _______________.
Today at therapy he asked me what brought me true joy in my life. What fulfilled my insides? It was a tough question. I have been living ont he outside for so long I have almost forgotten what it feels like to think about me and what I really want. I have been so driven for so many years to achieve achieve achieve…to advance and e forward in my career. Always saying YES and not focusing so much on life outside of career and advancement. I e a VERY difficult time just doing nothing. When I am doing nothing I feel like I am not working towards my goals…I am not advancing. He asked me “So what is this goal that you are working so hard towards?” Humm….well shitballs…I guess I dont really know anymore. I dont know what I am working so hard and taking every opportunity and doing everything I can professionally…I don’t know what I am doing those things anymore. And that is SCARY AS SHIT for me. I have ALWAYS had a goal…and end game. But I am kinda at my end game. I have everything I have ever wanted. A wonderful family, a relationship that makes people jealous, world travel, a supercharged car, a sweet home, killer job, money, stability. I am kinda here…where I thought I would be in my 50’s or 60’s. So what the hell do I do now? I have no fucking idea and it is terrifying.
So my homework for the week was to make a list of things that bring me true joy. Things that I do with no exceptions of outcome or reward. What do I do because it is essential me. So here is my beginnings of my list.
- I teach. I have NO expectations anymore. I have given away my soul to too many kids to have any expectations anymore. My only hope is that I make an impact but the great think about this is that I will never know that so its like an internal mind game I play with myself. I teach because it brings me joy. I teach because I love to share my knowledge with others. For Christmas my dad gave me a sign that says ” Teaching: In it for the OUTCOME, not the income.” so true in so many ways. I am gaining something through my own teaching. And it is very fulfilling regardless of the outcome.
- Learning. I LOVE TO LEARN NEW THINGS. I rarely read for pleasure anymore. Reading is all about learning new things…learning about the human experience…Germany during WWII, how carbs and sugar make people fat. If I could be a university student 9 months out of the year I would. I would have 12 degrees now just because I love to learn and challenge myself. I taught myself how to make sugar cookies just because I could and it looked challenging. So I love to learn.
- I love the feeling of being able to get myself somewhere on just my own power. Kayaking- there is no better feeling in the world than moving your paddle through the water yourself…getting yourself somewhere with just your own power. SELF-RELIANCE. That brings me joy. I can do things all by myself!
- Sunsets. LOVE THEM. They bring me joy. Even though the sun is setting it feels like a rebirth. New light to think and see things in. Darkness is a powerful teacher.
- Sitting. This might sound weird. I love to sit on the dock and watch the world go by. I love to pick apart things and observe and figure out why things are the way they are. I love to just sit and observe. I am usually reading…but really I like to just sit. Sometimes I sit with others and they you talk and learn new things. But sitting alone quietly is also a great joy for me.
- Yoga. It is organized self-discovery. It is time to connect your brain to your body and just focus on every muscle and bead of sweat…every sensation that is coming at you in the moment. I love the feeling of power and strength that come at the same moment of pure exhaustion and exertion. It really is a beautiful practice of balance. I also love that it is a practice and not a perfection sport. I also love that it is organized. I think that is another thing that brings me joy…organization.
- Organization. Everything has a place and things in their places make me happy and calm. It creates a space where I can relax and decompress. Everything has a natural place and order. Nobody has time for disorganization and chaos. Its jus not cool.
- My circle. My circle of friend and family bring me joy. They require very little effort. That might sound weird but there is not a lot of effort that goes into these relationships anymore. I think that is because with every relationship I am learning and growing and finding peace and organizing with these people. The respect me for who I am and just go with my flow. And in return I go with their flows. It is very comforting to know that one of the things I most value in my life requires little effort to work. That brings me joy…to know that the time spent with these people is a time of effortless enjoyment.
Tonight is another Day Before. I again do not think it will go well. That Blizzard is handing on for dear life…I can feel it. One of these weeks it is really going to happen. I will not lose any weight. Maybe this is the week. It is not all about weight…this is also about better understanding myself and the whys and hows of how I got here. I need to stop equating all of my success wt. the scale. I need to start measuring success also by the mental gains I am making every week…every day.