So today sucked…HARDCORE. My physical day was fine…checking some thing off the list…almost finished my book while lounging on the dock…sunshine and 80! Food today SUCKED. I was craving something fruity and sweet like gummy bears or Hi-Chews and I was constantly hungry. I was hungry when I woke up…I was STARVING by the time I ate my breakfast which seemed to never hit my stomach and I remained hungry throughout the day. When it was time for lunch I made myself a beautiful on-plan meal but found that I was full half way through! I didn’t even finish it all! But maybe an hour later I was hungry again. Some of the hunger is pure addiction…I am still bored and my go to before was eating. But some of the hunger I think is genuine hunger. What sounds appealing is almost nothing that is on plan…the 30/10 shakes I just cant stomach right now…UHHH! I was spoiled on board with delicious on plan meals and some not so on plan meals and now I want that food and not my food. I am not a good cook and I don’t deeply enjoy it like others in my family. Why can’t my mom cook for me ever day? What is wrong with a 34 year old who’s mom still cooks for her? I see nothing wrong with this situation. If I ever strike it RICH I am hiring a full time cook and hair stylist…my life would be perfect then!
This is what makes addiction and relapse so HARD. One small thing leads to another then another then pretty soon you are sneaking into a convenience store for Hi-Chews and paying for them in cash….untraceable because you have also ditched your wrappers in someone else’s garbage can. Then Hi-Chews lead to Starbucks which leads to murder. Well maybe not that extreme but it leads down a dark path of food that kills you. I have talked about relapse with my therapist before and I think it needs to be the topic of discussion this Thursday as well. No matter how much time has passed physically your addiction does not recognize it. Time is something we humans made up…addiction is something that is inherent. We are all capable of becoming addicted. Your addiction gives two shits if it has been 20 days or 20 years…those measurements of time have no weight in your battle. Those super highways of addiction memory are carved so deeply in your brain there is not enough silt and sand on this planet to smooth out those ruts and make the road flat again. I think the only way to avoid it and these feelings IS to avoid it.. at all costs. Now I kinda get it…”How many drinks does it take for an alcoholic to relapse? ONE.” I never go that until now. It just takes one to start you down the road to relapse. I am not off the wagon here and I am not in danger of going back to what I used to do and be. But I can recognize the feelings that I had at the beginning of this journey like they had never left. There are still right there under the thin surface of progress. Lifelong battle….this is a lifelong thing and that just sucks to admit. It is always going to be there and that is depressing. It could be worse…it could be cancer. I know someone close who lives with that every day and will probably live with it the rest of their life. It could be blindness or deafness or a loss of a limb or heart disease or sweet Jesus a million other things that billions of other people are living with for the rest of their lives. Ok well…maybe I did draw the long stick on this one. But it still sucks and I can be aware of that sucky-ness. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!
I think I indulged too much this trip…said yes one to many times. How many “yeses” was too many “yeses”? I have no idea. One yes? I hope not. A yes a day? Maybe…maybe a yes every day kept the toll gate open all day every day and it just let too many cars through. Now somebody has to pay all those fees…and shitballs I think its coming out of my pocket. This just sucks….hardcore. Will I indulge again? Yes. Will I be more aware of those choices and how many “yeses” I am allowing myself? Yes. Time to re-engage the brain and get back on track…time to once again commit to being mindful of the mouth and the brain.