Whelp….I had another SUCCESSFUL check-in and weigh in! I was down 6.3 pounds this week…making my 2 week total 16.1 pounds! That was REALLY nice to see. I have also lost this amount of weight before…not at this rate however. I worry that this is not sustainable and I also worry about it coming back. But these are the same worries I have had every time I have lost any weight in the past…nothing new here. I was SO worried about this weekends deviation from 30/10 foods. As I move through this program I don’t think I will be able to do that often. But without even knowing it I WAS doing what 30/10 does during “Phase 2” which is wean you off of their foods and onto your own for lunch and dinner. And it also felt REALLY good to eat the same food that everyone else is eating that one time in the past two weeks. I don’t like to feel like the odd-man-out so to speak. So it felt really good to know that I was able to continue to release while making my own foods. It is still really really hard. I want something that I can’t have every day. I am still hungry every day and I still get starvation pains throughout the week. But all elements are easing and things are getting a bit easier.
This week is going to be a 100% on plan week. I am only eating 30/10 foods and not deviating from the plan at all. There is a retirement party this Sunday that DOES worry me. Its catered…it’s so many of my favorite people..its a celebration of a wonderful woman who has made a huge impact on my professional career and offered guidance in my personal life. But holy shit is is a full blown party…a CATERED party…it makes me nervous just thinking about it. Many people there know what I am doing…I worry about what I will do. And what if I do cave and have 1 thing? Will that throw off my whole plan? I don’t want to spend all of my mental energy thinking about that one thing instead of focusing on the professional career of a close colleague. Decisions….decisions.
I had a VERY interesting session with David today- he is my addiction therapist. I SO look forward to our sessions. I love learning and being able to learn about myself is refreshing and energizing. It’s hard to dig into these things because it’s all about you and your past and your decisions and your actions. But at the same time it is almost a relief to get it figured out…to finally have the why parts coming together. Today we talked about emotions…the why part of my situation. Why do I feel the need to eat all the time even when I am not hungry? Basically what we talked about today was that it comes down to control. In many ways I have let people in my past control me and my actions. Not all of my actions but some. And-maybe-one way I regain control is through eating. I also get REALLY upset when I feel that I have been wronged or someone close in my life has been wronged. Especially my colleagues. I don’t know what professional relationship are like in any other profession but I do know what these relationship are like in education and they are fierce. Teachers understand what it takes to do our job and do it well. Sometimes I agree with the statement “Those who can’t teach”. What that statement gets right is that anyone can be a teacher. ANYONE. What that statement fails to verbalize is that only a select few can be good teachers…great teachers….OUTSTANDING teachers. But the great ones- it seems- get treated the worst. They make more money than the new, less great, teachers and are often the target in years where budgets are tight. Why pay a veteran teacher $60,000 when you can get TWO nubes for $60,000 TOTAL? Experienced teachers don’t let shit slide…they will call you on your shit and sometimes for administrators that can be hard to hear. Why deal with that when you can bring in someone new who is so scared they will do whatever you ask or tell them too? Great…even good teachers make HUGE sacrifices to perform their jobs at an above average level. And when I see that sacrifice go un-noticed or unappreciated or unrecognized I get pissed. And I am not looking for gold stars here people. All I am asking for is to be treated with professionalism and my opinion and knowledge taken into account. When that does not happen shit hits the fan in my world. But here is the rub in education…teachers are in precarious positions. Speak too loud or too forcefully they WILL find a way to push you out or move your around. They can make your professional life a living hell just for speaking the truth. And I don’t think there is an easier place to punish whistleblowers than education. Think about it…all you have to do is take away one thing and a dedicated teachers life is ruined. Take away their favorite subject…move their favorite kids into a different class…jack with their schedule and you have edugeden on your hands. And if you want to get the Union involved be prepared to work you ass off to prove that you are an outstanding teacher in your evaluation. One bad mark on ONE criteria of the teacher evaluation system can get you instantly thrown in a non-interview pile in most districts. 1/8th of a fuck up could potentially ruin your career. Admin and politicians will claim that safeguards are in place to prevent this but I know 3 teachers who are living this nightmare RIGHT NOW. I know 4 teachers who lived this nightmare LAST YEAR. I lived this nightmare a few years ago. Education is now big business…your professionalism no longer matters. It is a scary place to be as a teacher…you have worked your ass off to get here. You have earned your Bachlors and taken huge tests to just get your certificate then you have to trudge your way through a Masters program at night just to keep your job. Some go on to walk the coals through the National Board certification process and EVERYONE has to jump through the Professional Certificate hoop here in Washington State. It’s non-stop drudgery just to hang on to a job where you are not valued or trusted. WHY? Why to good teachers stay? Because teachers are in it for the outcome, not the income. Could any good teacher go somewhere else and get a job in the private sector? Of course. But then you have lost your sense of purpose. You are driven to educate, to inspire, to help kids laugh and learn to read and learn to communication and craft those little monsters into people who can work jobs and pay taxes and give money to Social Security so you can have some retirement because your state pension will never be seen my you…and besides..you have to work until 83 now to even collect. You do it because it is your passion. And when you passion is so tightly controlled by someone who has more than likely DONE your job, you lose all sense of control.
I think this could be part of my addiction. I need control. Yet my professional career is really not in my control. Well…I take that back…my future profession is not in my control because of all the reasons I discussed above. I CLOSELY control my day to day with my kids…and I attempt to control what and how I teach. I also control how I interact with my kids. But someone on high could take that away at any moment and that bugs the shit out of me. I am a GOOD teacher. I know I am. Why should I be in constant fear of losing something I am so very passionate about? Sure there are full time openings everywhere. But I am passionate about my kids and my school. I have found my people so to speak. Everyone who is working for the man is in this position…I get that. But not everyone has the privilege and honor to be working your passion every single day. To some people losing a job is no big deal…they probably don’t even like it int he first place. But good teachers…great teachers…love their jobs and they are passionate about them. And take your job away and some detail of a huge ass company gets messed up for a day. Take a good…a GREAT teacher out of a child’s life and you have screwed yourself because those children will become adults who are unprepared and unmotivated and under-educated for the real world. Those consequences are much more dire for us all.
My homework for the week: every time I get upset about anything I am to stop and pay attention to the things I am saying to myself…the negative thoughts that I am speaking to myself….I just have to brain dump them on some paper and be pissed. Then I have to take a few big breaths and then review my list and think rationally about the things that I was saying to myself. I have to write the TRUTH of each statement using my rational brain…my thinking brain. Some thoughts might be true right out of the gate. Other thoughts could be personal power and knowledge I am giving away to other people or situations beyond my control. This is going to be hard….in my world…nothing is beyond my control. I know that is not a rational statement. But as David pointed out…everything is a choice. I can choose how I react to things…I can choose how I talk to myself…I can choose non-judgement over judgement. If I can understand my beliefs I can control my emotions and my emotions responses. And the more even keel I can become the less I will feel the need and urge to take control of uncontrollable situations through eating. Well…this is the theory at least! So I will do my homework and I will report my findings to David next week.
As for tomorrow…I am choosing to stay on plan. I am choosing to eat only nutritious foods. I think I will also choose kayaking and hot tubbing tomorrow…that sounds like a nice plan for tomorrow.