Tomorrow will be my 7th weight in since beginning 30/10. I have been working the program for 8 weeks but this will be the 7th weight in. Once again I am filled with trepidation about the check in and weight in. I was good this week…I got in PLENTY of my kind of activity and stuck to the program 90% of the time. I can sense an urge to get back to basics but that is just not going to happen for a very good reason; we leave for Alaska in TWO DAYS! I get to spend 15 glorious days in the great American north about the Bella. Its almost like Hawaii- when you step off that place on Maui and that sweet warm air hits you and you take in a big breath…you can just feel every atom of your body and soul relaxing. The flowers, the beach, the fields, the rolling hills, the waterfalls, the people…it all just works to undo all of the stressful things you have done to your body. Alaska is the same way…just colder and wetter. You get off the plane in Juneau and are hit with sideways rain, crisp and clean air, and fog…lots and lots of fog. It too is calming and relaxing. There is no big city to run off to…no big shopping destinations. Just the boat, a marina, some fishermen, trees, mountains and glaciers. It is very calming…very relaxing. And when we finally pull away from the docks to Skagway on a all-day steam further north I will slip into the most beautiful and restful sleep I have ever know. The ocean will rock me to sleep and wake me when I am ready. On this trip we will see photographs that my great great grandfather took of the Yukon Gold Rush, we will see whales and bears and eagles, glaciers calving into the sea, we will fish for salmon and hopefully fill out pots with crab and shrimp. It will be the first time we have seen my parents since they departed in May! It will be a wonderful reunion as always. It is my sisters first trip and I am excited for her to see all of Alaska beauty. And not a minute too late…glaciers are melting and receding back into the mountainous caverns. So I am very happy we are all going up there this trip.
Last night in between that land of almost asleep but awake enough to notice things my body “popped”. It was an audible pop like a joint was coming back into alignment but it was a deeper sound…it was something that almost kinda shook my insides. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I opened my eyes to darkness looking for what I don’t know…its not like my body had jettisoned an arm like the snow crab do when you bring the up on deck but still…something had left. I took in a huge breath to calm my sense and immediately recognized that something was in fact missing. There was like this new space inside of me…where I could feel that my breath had more room to expand and grow. It was BIZARRE. It kinda reminded me about my first yoga class…that first breath and the sensation the water made as it entered into my system. Something left my body and made room for something else. My very first thought was that is was my old ways…my old habits…my nothing thinking leaving my body…Not all of it…but a big enough piece to make some space. I then had a moment of fear-what was going to fill this space now? Something bad…something not healthy…something I don’t want? Holy shit…that space BETTER get filled with something good. I don’t think I can handle having to tackle another issue at this point. One at a time is working out just fine at the moment. Then the final thoughts broke through the wall of panic and anxiety- that empty space can stay void..empty…unfilled. There is nothing wrong with empty space. Empty space is space to contemplate…to try things out in…its like a open studio space. And that I get to CHOOSE what goes into that space. This is my freaking body…my space! I can fill it with whatever I want! I am not renting out this space to anyone or anything…this is my own personal studio and everyone else and everything else can suck it. I don’t care if its PRIME real estate or that I get get thousands of dollars a month for that space. I want it empty…ready to accept what ever I want to be there. Maybe I want it to be a book shop…or a yoga studio…or an indoor s’mores station…I feel asleep content with these thoughts. The space began to fill up but just with warmth…nothing else but warmth.
The moral of that weird happening is that even if tomorrow I have not reached my goal of losing 30 pounds by the Alaska trip I have still make progress. To quote Kimber Simpkins again “The process is progress. Slow, annoying progress sometimes, but progress nonethelessI’lee get to the center one way of the other. Someday.” What a fantastic thought. The process IS progress. It is true for us all. If we are seeking out the answers we are making progress. I finished Full today. It was one of those books that I had to force myself to finish…where I found myself pushing myself to finish only because I had started it. I am VERY glad I did. While the book still annoys me on some levels, I found some many great moments of clarity of my own struggle from her struggle. The struggle IS real and it IS shared.
When I signed up for 30/10 I did not realize ALL that it would entail. I was hopefully that I would gain a lasting understanding of food and how it works as energy not entertainment. I also hoped to drops the pounds…quickly. But this has been nothing like that. I don’t think I have really gotten to the the food part yet! But holy shit am I learning things…every day it is something new. “It’s JUST food!” I used to say. Yeah…BULLSHIT. It is NOT just food. Food is life and if your food is messed up for life is jacked. I was functioning and functioning well but with ZERO understanding of myself or my body. Straight auto pilot with no reference to any kind of chart or map. Just following the path that was planned out by some flight controller who really wants to vacation in Hawaii. It has been a RIDICULOUS amount of work getting here but looking back, like all things challenging and life-changing, not as bad as I thought. A very close friend shared with me today and she and her man had gone sugar free for a month! Holy crap that has to be hard. She and I had talked about it before but I had no idea she was going to try it. She said that she leaned on our discussions and this blog to get her through some tough times. WOW. That is amazing. It is so comforting on so many levels. That she and I can do this work together and that we are both seeking answers for ourselves. Good things are happening all around…and it is all because of honest talk and hard work. Change is possible if you are willing to put into action what you have learned. It might not be the solution but it has started you on the path to discovery. So if the scale does not match my goal I will not panic or fall back to my old ways. I will be thankful for what I have learned and re-focus my energies on reaching that goal. My goal for Alaska is to lose 2 pounds…a pound a week. I am packing all my food and have already zeroed on on the items I will be indulging in. I have a game plan…I am READY!
My understanding will come…someday. But at least I am on the road to someday.