MAN! Day three was good…very similar to day two. Lots of friends and laughter…some Phase 10 and some Left Right Center. Lots of time with a close friends’ new baby and lots of down time to just relax. But sweet JESUS was I hungry…and thirsty…and I was NOT looking for some H2O. Friends brought some home made Apple Pie moonshine and holy shit that stuff is nectar from the gods.
Everyone passed it around the table during Phase 10 and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Everybody knew how much I wanted just a taste and made it a point to keep it out of arms reach. I just smelled it…it smelled just like I remember it from a few months ago. But the desire to have a sip quickly passed…unlike my desire to eat everything in this fucking house. Our friends brought some BEAST MODE sausage that has Skittles in it and I cried a tear knowing that it will be months before I can sample this one-of-a-kind culinary creation. My husband did an excellent job this weekend of preparing all the food and keeping the kitchen clean and snack free. But some of the food he made looked and smelled SO GOOD and I could not try a single bite. I take that back….I could have had a bite but I did not. **Yeah me** I am so tired of saying that…Me wants some BEAST MODE sausage…
In the moments of panic and fear and desire all I can think about is the food. ALL of the words of wisdom and tips and tricks and coping skills and amazing words of encouragement that continue to pour (thank you support group) just disappear from my brain in those moments. You don’t remember to say those little things to yourself or to your breathing technique…all you can come up with is “Why am I doing this again? Why am I not eating __________ or drinking __________? Who am I? What day is it? Where am I? Are those GUMMY BEARS? FMLFMLFMLFMLFML” It is beyond frustrating…its infuriating. And its not like people around you don’t know you are having this internal battle. They all saw my eyes LAZER LOCK on that Apple Pie…they knew what was going on. But most people in my circle don’t feel what it is like or understand what it is like. And that makes me feel even more alone and scared and sad because I am the only one freaking out about food. I really don’t like to be the odd-man out. But they could empathize without judgement. And THAT was a gift. It is truly the only way I am going to get thought this…empathy without judgement. My friend kept telling me that the DELICIOUS Bacon wrapped Jalapeno poppers Grady made tasted like shit…she pretended to gag a bit for dramatic effect but everyone knew they would give up sex for a week if they could have them direct lined into their veins.
The goal is to get to a healthy weight and to a place where no food is off the table. But I am really worried now that I might not get there…that the desire to just eat every time I am hungry and eat what everyone else is eating will not go away. I don’t want to be the way I was anymore but I also don’t want to feel like I do now forever. I cannot be fighting hunger for the rest of my life. This is almost worse than before. At least before when I was hungry I ate. Now I am hungry all the time and always thinking of that hunger and food knowing that I probably never feel full that day. I just don’t know why I can’t just be ok with being hungry. Maybe this will all pass in a few weeks and it really will be ok. I will be ok eating whatever food I need to sustain and release weight and I wont be hungry all the time anymore. If those weeks could show up now that would be ggreeeaatttt.
The lighter side: I did not cheat at all this weekend…no drinks and I did not eat anything that was not “on-plan”. I had a BLAST with our friends and enjoyed NOT feeling like shit the next morning…no food or booze coma. Our friends didn’t notice a big change in my personality (I even confirmed this with someone who was here this weekend- thank you random text messages). In fact, she said the only thing that was different was that Grady was doing more of the hosting (Secret Mission #17 accomplished…get Grady off his ass more and help in the kitchen).
The hunger pains have also gone away for the most part. I still get them ever once in a while but that is because I am honestly hungry…I have not eaten in 14 hours and I just need nutrition. And I have done this for 3 days now…I just have to make it to Thursday. Three days is nothing but three days are three days of eating only what my body needs and nothing more.
Soup de jour:
Breakfast: Cereal with unsweetened almond milk.
Snack: Chocolate Shake with coffee blended with ice.
Lunch: Leftover Chicken stri-fry.
Snack: GRAPE DRINK!
Dinner: Salmon and chicken breast, green salad with tomato and feta cheese, grilled asparagus. I ate a bit more protein here and I was full for the rest of the night.
Dessert: NONE!
Thee Struggle is REAL! 
You’re doing a fantastic job, Dolly. I honestly believe that the sensation of feeling hungry all the time WILL abate. You weren’t hungry all the time when you were a child or in your teen years. Perhaps that feeling of being hungry is a symptom of the food addiction, and as such it will weaken as you continue to nourish your body with healthy foods. The fact that you didn’t cheat in the midst of tantalizing foods is a testament to your commitment. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE! 🙂 With Love, Mama
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I really ReAlLy REALLY hope so. It just get so OLD! Trial by fire seems to be my best method 🙂
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To me, if I were feeling the need to “cheat” the diet I’d remember that I am PAYING money to do this so best to stick it out for now and remember to get to that goal of being able to eat what you want. That being said, the goal of being able to eat what you want still requires discipline! If it makes you feel any better April I think we all wish we could eat what we want when we want to it eat. The difference is understanding and actually feeling how much different your body feels when you do follow the “rules” and watch what you eat! You will blow through this 90 some odd days with both good and bad cravings. To quote one of my favorite old school rockers you will feel so much better and be in a much better place in your mind and body when you finally “Break on through to the other side!” (Jim Morrison -The Doors.) Stick with it kiddo the next few weeks will be a good measure of your desire.
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Oh TOTALLY! This program is NO cheap. When I am in the throws of desire I just cannot think of any of that. Its the addiction coming through. Addiction is in the oldest part of the brain which also happens to be the non-thinking part of the brain. Once any addition is triggered in a person it is forever triggered. There is nothing that can be done to shut that off. And because addiction is fold in the oldest, non-thinking part of the brain your reaction to that addiction is natural and uncontrollable. The only thing you can do is try to disrupt those signals before doing that thing your addiction asks you to and give your thinking part of the brain time to walk yourself down from the ledge so to speak. I have figured out how to give my brain that time because I did not give into the need to eat but holy shit that is hard. But really it IS all about your quote- you have to break through to the other side and get your thinking brain to kick in and help you to that other side! Thank you for that GREAT saying I can think of when my thinking brain does kick in!
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Perhaps there is a silver lining in the fact that you have now experienced possibly the worst of the worst (tempted by amazing foods/drinks all while fucking starving bc your body isn’t used to the caloric reduction yet), and you didn’t let it steer you off course! That is no small feat…congrats on an amazing weekend, here’s to hoping it only gets easier! Love you!
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FOR REALS! I dont know HOW it could get any worse than that…I was in my party element and still partied without the food or the booze. It was REALLY missed but it did not seem to impact my overall enjoyment of the weekend 🙂 And it did not seem to really impact anyone else so thats a double bonus…DOUBLE RAINBOW!
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Question: saw the dinner menu above (feta and Tomato) salad- sounds great but did not think feta cheese was allowed. I’m new…. Can you please clarify? Maybe I dreamed feta can saw in print!
Also- what does one do or should do if you end up cheating? A bite or two of something non plan? Change next day diet? Or??
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Feta is allowed at SOME locations 🙂 And if you cheat move on right away! But a few bits can throw off your whole week so make sure it’s worth it! 🙂
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