MAN! Day three was good…very similar to day two. Lots of friends and laughter…some Phase 10 and some Left Right Center. Lots of time with a close friends’ new baby and lots of down time to just relax. But sweet JESUS was I hungry…and thirsty…and I was NOT looking for some H2O. Friends brought some home made Apple Pie moonshine and holy shit that stuff is nectar from the gods.
Everyone passed it around the table during Phase 10 and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Everybody knew how much I wanted just a taste and made it a point to keep it out of arms reach. I just smelled it…it smelled just like I remember it from a few months ago. But the desire to have a sip quickly passed…unlike my desire to eat everything in this fucking house. Our friends brought some BEAST MODE sausage that has Skittles in it and I cried a tear knowing that it will be months before I can sample this one-of-a-kind culinary creation. My husband did an excellent job this weekend of preparing all the food and keeping the kitchen clean and snack free. But some of the food he made looked and smelled SO GOOD and I could not try a single bite. I take that back….I could have had a bite but I did not. **Yeah me** I am so tired of saying that…Me wants some BEAST MODE sausage…
In the moments of panic and fear and desire all I can think about is the food. ALL of the words of wisdom and tips and tricks and coping skills and amazing words of encouragement that continue to pour (thank you support group) just disappear from my brain in those moments. You don’t remember to say those little things to yourself or to your breathing technique…all you can come up with is “Why am I doing this again? Why am I not eating __________ or drinking __________? Who am I? What day is it? Where am I? Are those GUMMY BEARS? FMLFMLFMLFMLFML” It is beyond frustrating…its infuriating. And its not like people around you don’t know you are having this internal battle. They all saw my eyes LAZER LOCK on that Apple Pie…they knew what was going on. But most people in my circle don’t feel what it is like or understand what it is like. And that makes me feel even more alone and scared and sad because I am the only one freaking out about food. I really don’t like to be the odd-man out. But they could empathize without judgement. And THAT was a gift. It is truly the only way I am going to get thought this…empathy without judgement. My friend kept telling me that the DELICIOUS Bacon wrapped Jalapeno poppers Grady made tasted like shit…she pretended to gag a bit for dramatic effect but everyone knew they would give up sex for a week if they could have them direct lined into their veins.
The goal is to get to a healthy weight and to a place where no food is off the table. But I am really worried now that I might not get there…that the desire to just eat every time I am hungry and eat what everyone else is eating will not go away. I don’t want to be the way I was anymore but I also don’t want to feel like I do now forever. I cannot be fighting hunger for the rest of my life. This is almost worse than before. At least before when I was hungry I ate. Now I am hungry all the time and always thinking of that hunger and food knowing that I probably never feel full that day. I just don’t know why I can’t just be ok with being hungry. Maybe this will all pass in a few weeks and it really will be ok. I will be ok eating whatever food I need to sustain and release weight and I wont be hungry all the time anymore. If those weeks could show up now that would be ggreeeaatttt.
The lighter side: I did not cheat at all this weekend…no drinks and I did not eat anything that was not “on-plan”. I had a BLAST with our friends and enjoyed NOT feeling like shit the next morning…no food or booze coma. Our friends didn’t notice a big change in my personality (I even confirmed this with someone who was here this weekend- thank you random text messages). In fact, she said the only thing that was different was that Grady was doing more of the hosting (Secret Mission #17 accomplished…get Grady off his ass more and help in the kitchen).
The hunger pains have also gone away for the most part. I still get them ever once in a while but that is because I am honestly hungry…I have not eaten in 14 hours and I just need nutrition. And I have done this for 3 days now…I just have to make it to Thursday. Three days is nothing but three days are three days of eating only what my body needs and nothing more.
Soup de jour:
Breakfast: Cereal with unsweetened almond milk.
Snack: Chocolate Shake with coffee blended with ice.
Lunch: Leftover Chicken stri-fry.
Snack: GRAPE DRINK!
Dinner: Salmon and chicken breast, green salad with tomato and feta cheese, grilled asparagus. I ate a bit more protein here and I was full for the rest of the night.