Today was another good day! I finished all my summer school work early, reviewed some ProCert portfolios, went for a LOVELY kayak, got Tahiti Island blown up and securely tethered to the buoy, read about 100 pages of The Shell Seekers, went on a sunset boat cruise with Grady, made a yummy dinner, and talked to my mom for about an hour! Hunger and food were not much of an issue today. I even got in ALL my protein packets which is kinda rare. But for some reason I feel restless today. I don’t know if I am still trying to come down from the school year or what but I am just antsy. I feel like I can’t sit too still…and I have this constant feeling that I am forgetting something.
Being so free with my time is something I have not experienced in a long time. My Google calendar is so barren and empty…my Apple watch keeps saying “No upcoming appointments”. What does that even mean? NOTHING? I have nothing scheduled…ok…well that is odd. The year I was married was the beginning of the crazyness. I was planning a wedding, working full-time, mentoring new teachers, and going to grad school full-time. It was nuts. But it was fun. I enjoy learning so that did not seem like such a chore. But it was a lot…we were always going doing meeting talking discussing planning. And that just never really ended. I changed schools the following year, wrote curriculum for my new school, took on more new teachers to mentor. And I started gaining weight. In the past 4 years I have gained and lost 40 pounds. In that time I have never gone up or down in clothing size but the weight has come and gone and come again. Then a call from an old Principal convinced me to start my own consulting business and that filled every spare ounce of whatever time I had remaining. In between work I was a wife and a friend and a sister and a daughter and now a daughter in law. It all seemed ok…then my health deteriorated. I was in the hospital every other month with pains and symptoms that NO ONE could diagnose. I had every test known to man done by doctors who promised to find the answer for my illness yet none every came. Every phone call from the doctor was a disappointment. Then in a last-ditch effort I sought out a naturopathic doctor who tested me for everything I could NOT have according to medical science and guess what happened? A DIAGNOSIS. Celiac Disease. It explain everything…I mean EVERYTHING. As soon as I gave up the gluten ghost ALL my symptoms disappeared. My memory returned, my hair stopped falling out in clumps and began to regenerate, my tumors and abdominal rash disappeared, and the pain I was experiencing never returned. My doctor assured me that the weight would just DROP off…gluten was the devil that was keeping me overweight. It was almost a religious experience when ALL of my symptoms just vanished. But guess what stayed…my weight. My number did not BUDGE one ounce. It was devastating. I really thought that was the answer…the cure to everything that was wrong with me. Turns out the Devil is one tricky son of a bitch.
I guess my point in all this is that I am still seeking a cure even though 30/10 logically seems to be that cure. I am following the program and seeing results. I am nervous for the time when I am done with 30/10…what happens then? I am such a planner…I think the fear of my old ways returning is starting to become apparent. In some ways I am still hoping for the magical cure…the simple pill or comatose state that will produce my idea weight over night. Maybe I am just tired of working so freaking hard at my weight. I still do not know how I will maintain my future weight and that is making me nervous and anxious. I am also not a wheel-spinner and I feel a bit like I am spinning my wheels. I know there are some BIG changes coming in my personal life but these changes are still on the horizon. I just want the weight to be gone so I can get on with things. My therapist would-I am sure- suggest that this is tactic that my addiction is using to try to get me off program or off plan. I will see him Thursday and see if I am correct in my assumption. Regardless…that is how I am feeling today. That is what I am thinking at this very moment. Who would have thunk that there was so much involved in being fat/overweight/obese!
2 thoughts on “Day 32: Restless”
Not sure what to tell you other than is sincerely believe in you. I just know you are going to do this and be teaching the rest of us all that you have learned about beating this weight loss beast and beating the demons that try to bring us down. I hate the restless feelings.
That is my greatest wish!