Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

Oh for hell…the holidays are over and I am out of holidays to celebrate and continue not thinking to much about what I eat.

cheat

I checked in at 30/10 yesterday and was SHOCKED at the results. I was up a single pound. ONE. UNO. After the New Years weekend we had that is truly shocking. My muscle was up too which is surprising considering how fat and rollie I feel at the moment. The holidays were awesome and I REALLY don’t want to get back to reality. I am having an extremely difficult time jumping back on the wagon. 

Monday

I met with David yesterday and his advice was simple- take it one hour at a time and get out of my own head. David is a runner. He actually hates running but once he gets going he enjoys it. He says that every morning as he is dragging his ass out of bed and getting on his running gear he imagines detaching his head from his body so he does not have to think about how much he hates running. Then he puts his head back on as he is walking out the door and a few  minutes in he realizes that he enjoys his runs. He recommended that I do the same thing. When I get panicked or hungry or hangry or pissed or my addiction starts taking super loud like an annoying person on their cell phone in the Starbucks line I need to take off my own head and just not think about it…eat on-plan or in other cases not eat and go on with life. I can put my head back on when it has all passed. And I just have to take things one hour or moment of panic at a time. At this point saying I will be on plan all day is daunting. All day? 12 full hours? If I stay in bed long enough I only have to get through 10 hours…might be a strategy I use some days. But if I can focus on each hour and be on-plan for that hour that will be small victories. And I just really have to stop thinking about it. I have to stop listening to my addiction. Sounds easy! I think that is what makes addiction so powerful. Everyone has voices that speak to them. People who are not necessarily addicted can just talk back to their voices and their voices listen and don’t pitch too big of a fit. People who are addicted have voices that take over all their senses including their eyeballs and they just wont stop screaming until you just to what they say. Then once you have given in it sits back and say “See? That was not so bad…why do you fight me so much?” while your rational brain is crying crocodile tears because you really didn’t want to do that and now feel physically and emotional worse that you did before you gave in. It’s the most abusive relationship you have ever been in and getting out of that relationship is like trying to get the white out of rice.

morning

While all the holiday food and wine tasted delicious my mind and body has been paying a price. I feel like total shit. I am having headaches frequently and I NEVER have headaches, I am SO TIRED all the time…I am taking naps in the day just to get though and then not being able to sleep at night. I feel beyond lazy and unmotivated in all areas of life-my Christmas decorations are down but the tree is STILL up. This is all caused by the food. I went to yoga yesterday and had to lay down twice…my vision was blurry, I was getting spasms in my back, and my head started to pound half way through the class. The only thing that is different is the food and no yoga. I was talking about this with one of the teachers at the studio- she was feeling the same way and attributed it also to food and merriment of the holidays. We so look forward to all of the treats of the holidays only to really pay the price afterwards if we do not do it in moderation. We made a goal together of not being some holiday hungover next year 🙂 I am ok with being holiday hungover for a few days…I am going on two weeks now. Im over this feeling.

I booked out my yoga classes for the next week today and have thrown away all the off-plan food from the holidays that remained in our home. Now when I open the fridge I am greeted by green shit and Walden Farms dressings. It looks like an addicts horror story- nothing in that fridge to get you past your need for cinnamon rolls and cheese…

This weekend we are celebrating my sister-in-laws birthday with some live music at a local bar Saturday then watching the Seahawks freeze their asses off in Minnesota on Sunday. I am already thinking of my game plan for this weekend…the restaurant we are eating at has my most favorite dessert that I am going to make my “last supper” so to speak before hanging myself back on the 30/10 cross. Im going to have a drink or two at the bar that night and Sunday I am making Grady and I on-plan game snacks and packing our sparkling waters to toast the Seahawks victory with. Ohhhhh it has to start sometime…why not make it a Seahawk Sunday 🙂

tomorrow

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2 thoughts on “Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

  1. If it makes you feel any better I go through my own post holiday funk too! I get so happy and enjoy all the Christmas festivities so much it’s sort of a let down when it’s over! It’s not just the missing of all the lights or the fun of creating cool gift ideas or sneaking around with your kids while shopping for Chris. It’s more than the family dinners and parties. It’s all those things combined and more. The music, the movies, the memories of family no longer with you. But the one that gets me the most is my growing/aging kids! Xmas has always been fun as the kids were young and continued to be fun as they’ve aged. It changed, but it’s fun in its own way. But then it ends and Marissa goes back to school and the house is bit quieter, Brian goes back to school and the house gets even quieter. It’s all good but the big fun is over, the xmas music ends, the movies end, the house goes darker without that awesome winter glow of the lights! Yes, I too go through a rough patch this time of year. The healing and moving forward always starts about now though as I begin to focus on Chris’ birthday, then dad’s.birthday followed by Brian’s birthday! So collectively April let’s pull ourselves out of this funk and look forward to Disneyland. Think how you wish to feel while dragging your tired feet and aching back from one end of the park to the other!!, get to work on that plan, work hard to feel better so we can keep up with your cousins on the rides!! Hells bells, I have 16 years on you so I have to work it pretty hard too!! We can do this kiddo…it’s go time!!!!!!!

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    1. Yeah this is always a depressing time of year because Christmas is over! We just got the tree down tonight and the house looks ugly. Disneyland will be awesome and even better because I will not be so crammed in those tiny ass ride seats! Thanks for the encouragement Buckethead!

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