So these past 7 days have been sad. Today at my session with David we talked about grieving and the many different forms that it takes. At 30/10 I talked with my coach about stress and frustration and life and how it all impacts our weight releasing goals. I left both places feeling confirmed and refreshed in a few different ways.
This past week and really the past few months I have been grieving. Grief can be defined as deep sorrow, trouble, or annoyance. When I got over the initial shock of 30/10 I realized that this program was going to work for me. It really was going to teach me how to release weight and live at a healthy weight for the rest of my life. That joyous moment was followed by some grieving- my old life was GONE. I now knew and understood that I turned to food for comfort and “healing” and reward and that was something I did not want to continue to do because it was what was keeping me fat and unhealthy. What that did mean is that now I had to actually think about and confront and sit with my feelings and emotions and wants and desires instead of shoving food in my mouth to not deal with all of those things. That hurt and that acknowledgement…that was painful…it is STILL painful. I have been using food for probably 25 years…that’s a long time to be turing to something to get through life. So now I have to learn how to do it all without food and SURPISE- it sucks and its hard and somedays I just want to do that. OK so now that I am actually dealing with my emotions and not drowning them with food- I have to admit that I am really missed my husband. He is still helping his parents and we are not living together. I am not mad or angry or upset that he is there. I am really happy and proud that he is doing that. I just miss him and I HATE saying that. “I am a strong, independent woman who needs nobody in life; I can do it all by myself and ENJOY doing it by myself!” was my mantra until I got married and my life changed. I am grieving the loss of my old self and that hurts because I liked pieces of my old self and sometimes I wish some of those pieces I had back. Like not being afraid to sleep in my own fucking house alone…like relying on no one but myself to fix things in my house…like not missing anyone. But my marriage has changed all of that and I am grieving my old self. I love my marriage and my husband and my new life. I can still grieve the old one…I learned today that I have permission to do so. Just because you are grieving something does not mean that you don’t like your current situation. They are two separate things. Then work started and that situation is AWEFUL. This is the first year that I feel like I am ready to walk away. I feel disrespected, under appreciated, misused, inadequate, and not valued. I feel like I am spending a majority of my work time doing things that I HAVE to do but have no positive impact on my kids. This is not teaching. The passion that I once had for teaching is being stomped out and I just do not know what to do about it. I am grieving the loss of my passion. I am grieving the loss of the teacher that I once was. I am grieving the impact that I feel I USED to have in kids lives. I am grieving a sense of organization and purpose and just knowing what the fuck is happening at my own school. I am grieving the old work relationships I had…the laughs and the discoveries I had with my peers. I so want all of those things back but feel like that ship has sailed. I feel like I have spent the last 9 years climbing to the top of Mt. Everest and when I finally got there it was nothing but a garbage dump on top. This is what has hit me the hardest this week. The loss of my passion and it’s impact is devastating. And when I think about what my next professional or working adventure could be- I am stumped. I have no idea…no clue what I want to do. I really don’t want to leave teaching but if it continues like it has this year I don’t think I will have a choice. It makes my soul hurt. Then my grandpa had to spend some time in the hospital this week and that made me sad. He is 84 (going on 60) but the thought of him not being present anymore in my life is so tragic. I am crying now just writing this. He is fine and home now but man- one day that will not be the case. My grandparents are the type of people who have all the right answers and think in all the right ways. They are so positive yet practical; so sensible but free willed; so active and so grounded; so fun and yet just a bit cautious. I get the sense that they too would want to live forever. Well maybe not forever, but until they grew truly tired. I can’t imagine it- knowing that you are growing older but not running out of energy or desire. They have such a love and passion for life. They take full advantage of every opportunity to fill their days with LIFE and joy and happiness and things that they love. They are the greatest teachers of all that is important in life and I am so terrified that I will not learn all of the lessons before they go. I don’t want them to go. I don’t want life to change. This summer we spend a lot of time with them and they seemed so much younger but at times looked older. I think it is natural to think of these things when you visit people in the hospital. I guess the timing of it all was not the best. Next time I am going to consult with him before his body decides it needs some extra special care 🙂 To top off this sadness shitstorm, I am grieving for my home. I know this might sound weird but man- David hit it right on the head. Your home can be apart of your soul. It is the place that protects you and nourish you and when filled with people you love becomes this living breathing place that creates life and memories. I love my home. I have worked very hard to make it a perfect reflection of me and my values and my goals and my taste. (There was a lot of me in that sentence…sorry Grady!) And now it is torn to shit; studs exposed, ripped up floor, holes in walls. Now when I am in my home all I see are its flaws; its cracks, it moans and groans, its imperfections. My home is no longer perfect and clean and nourishing. It is in a million pieces and that breaks my heart. I cannot entertain in my home, I cannot decorated it up for the seasons (which it loves), I cannot cook in it or clean it, or watch football in it. I am grieving the loss of my home…my beautiful, cozy, inviting, loving home. As David pointed out, these are not little life things; these are huge things that I am grieving all at once. My old self would have comforted all of this with food. Some days I have been comforting myself with food only to recognize that food is no longer comforting. So how do I comfort myself now? That was my homework from David- to sit quietly with just myself and think on that question; how do I want to comfort myself now? I also have to cry. Those who know me…I am not a cryer. I think my tear ducts are missing. But this is my homework non the less. To think and to cry.
My 30/10 people were so wonderful today. They sensed my frustration and fear and sadness and talked me through it all. They could tell I was just done. They can see that I have been playing with these 5 pounds for weeks now and they want that to stop. They also know that no progress is going to be made in my state’ my stress and frustration and anger are going to prevent any progress from being made. I do not want to stop the program but I also don’t want to keep playing with these pounds. They want me to maintain and to come back to the program 100% when I am ready. I am so thankful for this “break”. I will still meet with them every week and weight in but I will not take any food. I have enough 30/10 food stockpiled to last me 3 weeks! I am NOT going back to my old ways or my old weight. I am maintaining or maybe even losing. But I am getting to take a “mental break” for a short period while staying accountable to my coaches and myself every week. I am going to eat on plan as often as I can as I learn to deal with this grief without food. I left 30/10 lighter, physically and emotionally. This week was awful food wise and I was down 2.6 pounds. It was muscle and water- down is down. As Grady reaffirmed today, I will get there and I will get there soon. A pause is pause. What I do know for SURE is that I will not go back to where I was. There is no hesitation in that statement. Things have permanently changed for me and that I can happy and thankful for.
So after my 30/10 check in I had coffee with my mom, worked a bit, saw David, worked some more, and went to a new yoga class. I am already feel a bit better just by writing all of this down and getting it out. We are spending this weekend with some very close friends and that will give me more time and space to think and talk and just be. I have my yoga classes for next week booked and and something new planned for my classes at school- something that I feel is meaningful and impactful for my kids and myself. But really to get out of this I just have to go through it. That is hard for me- I tend to make a way out of anything so I can get through it quicker or avoid it all together. I cannot do that this time. I just have to go through this and be with my grief. And really, grief is just mourning the loss of good things that used to be. Once I get through this I can start loving and enjoying the new delights that are to come.