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Thoughts on a Year

Those numbers are devastatingly crushing because I naively thought that surgery would fix it all; that I would magically be trim, fit, healthy, happy, and put together one year out. I have been battling my weight for as long as my memory can reflect on my life. I was hoping bariatric surgery would end that struggle, that constant battle between my soul and food. I can say *definitely* it has not ended anything, which is another sour spot in my soul. But what weighs the heaviest is the realization that the work of living life at a healthy weight has everything to do with what the surgery did NOT fix and everything to do with what I never wanted to confront- myself, my addiction, and my body-mind disconnection. Continue reading Thoughts on a Year

Adjusting to Life After Bariatric Surgery

While things are returning to normal, I am more and more aware that in many ways, there will be no returning to normal. There is the only newness. I cannot return to the old normal because it physically or mentally does not work that way anymore. Sometimes that is hard to grasp or accept because you just want to be and feel normal again. Continue reading Adjusting to Life After Bariatric Surgery

Day 185: Validated

I saw David today and had a LONG conversation/discussion about my question from yesterday, “Why am I delaying the inevitable?” I left my session feeling extremely validated. I told him I felt like I was doing the work on my own that we do together; I was taking time to think about the bigger questions and answering them honestly, not stopping until my gut feeling was peaceful with my responses. It was nice to talk about my process and not totally focus on the issue. It was even nicer to know that my process is valid and truthful and helpful. Continue reading Day 185: Validated

Day 125: KILLER Results!

This really is the most weight I have ever released. In the past 10 years I have only seen my weight creep up and up and up. Grady has never known me at this weight and that seems kinda weird. I don’t think he thinks its weird but I think it would be different to see someone actually change their look and shape in front of your eyes. I get that kids grow up but we are used to seeing and witnessing that. It is not very often that adults shape shift! Continue reading Day 125: KILLER Results!

Day 91: The Results are IN!

But THIS is the power of addiction. It keeps you in this miserable cycle, keeps you isolated and “faking it until you make it”, keeps you smiling and gives you just enough energy to try the next big thing that promises to rid your body of that vile stuff. But its all a game. You addition will never let you out of this cycle of hope and despair….it wants you here…it needs you here to survive. It keeps you thinking that YOU are the problem…you are the idiot who cannot figure it out…you are the dumbass who eats too much too often! There is NOTHING you can do to get out…you are stuck in this life of misery and fatness forever. Or so it would have you believe. Continue reading Day 91: The Results are IN!

Day 86: More Lists

The struggle today was no match for day. I has SHIT TO DO and was busy doing that. I also finished my book The Martian by Andy Weir and when I am reading I have NO TIME for the struggle. It was a great, on-plan day. No real cravings…no real issues. I think making all those lists helped. It lessened my anxiety about a lot of things and cleared up some pictures that had been covered in dust. Maybe that is something to add to “Thee One Who Struggles Knows This For Sure” list…that lists help lessen the struggle. Continue reading Day 86: More Lists

Day 76: Results are In…I am now a Russian Orthodox Raven

The days are getting easier…I am becoming more and more committed to not only the program but to the changes I am making in my life. I am becoming more aware of my addiction and the mess-up mind games it plays with me daily and that knowledge will help me continue to distance myself from my old way of living. I am understanding that the path will not be smooth…will be filled with the ruts in this road. I am accepting the lifelong challenge that lies ahead of me with food, weight, and body image. Still not thrilled about it but more accepting of it. Continue reading Day 76: Results are In…I am now a Russian Orthodox Raven

Day 75: Better Than Yesterday

Even though the sun was out almost all day it feels like fall. Some of the leaves on the lake road are starting to turn and the wind has knocked off any hold overs from last fall. This wind has been deep…the kind that seems to flow right past your skin and wrap around your bones. Fall is indeed coming to the Pacific Northwest. Winds of change I always liken them to…they signal a new season and a change of pace Continue reading Day 75: Better Than Yesterday

Day 74: It SUCKS Again!

One small thing leads to another then another then pretty soon you are sneaking into a convenience store for Hi-Chews and paying for them in cash….untraceable because you have also ditched your wrappers in someone else’s garbage can. Then Hi-Chews lead to Starbucks which leads to murder. Well maybe not that extreme but it leads down a dark path of food that kills you. Continue reading Day 74: It SUCKS Again!

Days 62-Oh who the hell knows…

I went to Alaska for all that and was able to experience ALL of it. Sure my struggle was there with me the whole time. But my brain but that on the back burner because it knows that even struggles take vacations…we all need vacation to remind us of the good life. To remind us why we work so hard and struggle so much…to live the good life and live it WELL. Continue reading Days 62-Oh who the hell knows…