Day 82: Another Day Before

I think this is my 12th “Day Before”. I don’t have posts for every day due to vacations but this by the calendar is the 12th. Hard to believe I have been doing this for 12 weeks. This is the longest I have ever stuck with a program.

Today was a good day all around. I ate 100% on plan, I had a beautiful kayak, and got to spend some quality time with TWO amazing women. I was showered with kind words of encouragement through personal letters and emails and given space to be honest and real and tired. My sister invited me to think differently about surrendering…to stop fighting and just surrender to the struggle. As she put it, lay in Savassana and let it all just be there with me without fighting it. Beautiful wisdom from the younger one 🙂

“The thing about surrendering is that it doesn’t have to mean giving up. It can mean that you are giving In to what is. Accepting your path and the suffering that you will endure until everything levels out. The Buddha starved, Ram was exiled, and Jesus was tortured. It’s the Stories of the Greats that send us the message that even though we suffer in life, we surrender to the path that is before us and strive for peace. You are well read, and I’m positive that you know that the path to greatness is never easy. You can conquer yourself, and it might take a different perspective or a new approach.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/8028950810 Hartwig HKD
https://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/8028950810
Hartwig HKD

My two friends reminded me that we are all struggling. Sharing in that experience makes us human and closer friends. I learn more and more about people the more and more that I share. That is a powerful learning experience for me.

I went kayaking this morning at 8am…that is EARLY for me in the summer. The water was GLASS. Not a ripple. It was so calm that the feathers of the eagles and seagulls were floating…almost looking like they were suspended in mid air on top of the glass surface. Every cloud and tree and bird was perfectly reflected on the surface. Another great learning experience; even the earth needs time to just be still and quiet. Everything gets tired…everything feels at a moment in time like they have been pushed to their limits. My sister again hit this spot on. She said “I believe that when we have been pushed to our outer most limits, we begin to feel like an alien in our own world. We didn’t ask for it, we certainly don’t want it, and we will fight to the death to re-establish our gravity and equilibrium, even if the world where we once lived wasn’t quite right to begin with. But it was  warm, and safe, and everything was okay.” In many ways I just want to feel “normal” again. Some days 30/10 and my “new” life feels normal…but most other days it does not. My addiction is still pulling strong on my new ways and nothing feels right. Even though I REMEMBER not being happy in the old ways it did feel normal. And the whole goal of addiction is to help you feel nothing. Why would I want to return to that? To feel “normal”. I am just adjusting to a new normal and that is just going to take some time. Or at least this is my working theory at the moment.

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Tomorrow is going to be what it is going to be. I cannot worry on it anymore…there is nothing more that I can do about tomorrow. I will try to sleep tonight and begin thinking about next week tomorrow.

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