I did the program for 15 weeks and dropped 45 pounds. It was a rollercoaster- the beginning was awful then it got easy and doo-able, then it got really hard again. By that time my 15 weeks was up and I signed up for another 15 weeks but I was BURNT OUT. I was tired of doing it. I was not tired of losing weight but I was tired of the program and their food. I stated missing enjoying food and while maybe that is the goal it seemed like a pretty cruel goal. Then the holidays came and now i’m here…January 19th…wondering why I am delaying the inevitable. Continue reading Day 184: Delaying the Inevitable
It has been a year of adjusting and a year of things that made me uncomfortable and sad and anxious and nervous. That is not who I naturally am…the year seemed to be against who I was. That is fitting since in many ways I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I really have changed. Maybe it back to the whole mourning thing…that seems to be cycling in my life every month or so. Things get going on a right path and I seem to be pushed off of that path. Maybe it’s a growth pattern…Growth can be uncomfortable I guess. I am tired of being uncomfortable.I am tired of feeling like I am constantly in mourning. I am ready for the familiar and cozy. Continue reading Day 143: The Day Before
Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Continue reading Days 137-141: An Old Plan
Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs
I can still grieve the old one…I learned today that I have permission to do so. Just because you are grieving something does not mean that you don’t like your current situation. They are two separate things. Continue reading Days 133-139: Grieving
I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.
I am little nervous about weight in later in the day. My normal time is 9am and on those days I shower and head to 30/10. Now I will have the whole day for my fat to soak up anything I eat and that scares the shit out of me. My goal is to be down 2.0 pounds tomorrow…that extra time better not screw with my scale! Continue reading Day 124: The Day Before
My body is revolting and hanging on to every ounce of water apparently…my brain hurts from thinking about work…my eyes are sore…my muscles are sore…I think ever body system is pissed off and wants OUT. I need some sleep and I need some clarity. I don’t even know if that will help. I don’t know what I need because I know that whatever I turn to is not going to make any of this go away. I know I just have to walk through it and deal with it as it comes. Continue reading Days 97-98 Gutter Balls
I am the one throwing this off. And that makes it all the worst feeling ever. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just pull my shit together and do this? Every fucking time I feel like I have moved forward or on from where I was I get bitch slapped back into my place. I think this is the point in the relationship that I walk out. OHHHHHHHH but here’s the thing. If I leave this relationship (struggle) now I will end up in worse place then where I started. So I continue to stay in this abusive relationship, getting slapped a few times a week? I guess so…that is my only option at the moment. Continue reading Days 92-96: Ups and Downs
Despite the off plan foods and the drinky-poos from the weekend before and the lack of sleep and general poor attitude towards life Tuesday-today I managed to still get rid of some poundage. It was a HORRIBLE food week…I mean REALLY bad. But s my 30/10 coach helped me understand today…even with the bad food I am still eating less. I am making better decisions when I am not eating the bad food and I am thinking about why I am doing it. All victories in the larger struggle. Continue reading Day 83: Results!