Days 97-98 Gutter Balls

I have struck out this week. The week was a challenge and it was lit on fire last night. I got to our home home yesterday afternoon with just enough time to unload my groceries and head back out to meet with David. When I went to the refer to put the groceries in I heard a weird sound coming from the back of it and our hardwood in front it it was stained black at the seams. Yeah…our refer sprung a leak and has probably been leaking for 3 weeks. The hardwood had bowed out and there was a lake in our crawl space. REALLY? This is what the universe has aligned for me this week? Water damage? Our contractor dropped everything (I think he heard the panic in my voice) and rushed over here as my dad helped me stop the flow of water over the phone. Its not looking good. I hope we don’t have to do a total kitchen replacement…I am hoping for a half at this point.

These things never happen at a good time but this seems to just be icing on my shit cake this week. I was pretty much at my limit before Wednesday and this just put me over the fucking moon. I lost my shit…I mean LOST IT. I called Grady and just unleashed. I am just not happy with much these days. I feel like I have no direction…like Grady and I are not on the same page…he and I are back on our own during the weeks…work is changing and there is no guideline or expectation that has been clearly defined. I am NOT a crier but I lost it on the phone with Grady. I am SO DONE with this phase/season/moment. I want my old life back. I want stability and security and direction and goals. I feel like I am striking out with everything and I just can’t handle that.

To put a cherry on this shit sundae I was up 2.3 pounds this afternoon. I knew this was going to be a not good weight in but man it sucks that it was the reality. My body is revolting and hanging on to every ounce of water apparently…my brain hurts from thinking about work…my eyes are sore…my muscles are sore…I think ever body system is pissed off and wants OUT. I need some sleep and I need some clarity. I don’t even know if that will help. I don’t know what I need because I know that whatever I turn to is not going to make any of this go away. I know I just have to walk through it and deal with it as it comes. I am out of answers and I am going to BED!

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