DAY ONE IN THE BOOKS!! It was a great day…a day of struggles but a day of joy and learning.

Here is what the daily meal plan is for the next week:

1. Breakfast- Cereal
2. Snack- Protein Shake
3. Lunch- Soup, salad, and breadsticks for only $9.99!…KIDDING! Soup, salad, and 2 cups of veggies from the approve list.
4. Snack- Fruit Drink (GRAPE DRINK!)
5. Dinner – 6-8 oz lean protein, salad, 2 cups veggies
6. Snack- Smoothie

Pretty simple…and no more than 1900 calories a day. Beauty of this program right now is that I don’t have to count those calories…I just eat what they gave me and only eat foods from the Approved page…simple. I log all my food intake…check of some boxes that says I ate my veggies and took my vitamins, and drank my water. There is not a box you check if you are losing your shit and contemplating moving to Mexico, changing your name to Esmerelda and living off tacos for the rest of your life. I will make this suggestion when I see my coach next Thursday.

I woke up early to some very encouraging messages from my mom and friends…got some work in, watered my flowers and packed my car with all the “off-plan” food to be delivered to my friends house. Seeing it all in the back of my car really drove home the fact that I have a serious issue with food. The ENTIRE back of my Subaru was packed with food….I could not have jammed in another bag if I tried.

Told you…that’s A LOT of food. I was a bit worried about what my friend would think or say but it was too late to do anything but start my car and head over there. I did not eat before leaving- mistake #1- and was super hungry when I got to her house. After visiting for a bit it was time to unpack. She came out to my car and I opened the back…holy shit that was a lot of food. All she could say was the she was a bit overwhelmed.  Yeah…I am right there with you friend. There was food shoved in every corner and drawer of my kitchen. And it was GOOD food…not a bunch of junk. It was enough food to feed her family of 5 for at least a month…A MONTH! Like I said before…most of it was unopened. I bought it and never use it. Instead of feeling shameful at this nightmare I felt a release. It just felt good to have it all out of my life…my friend was happy for the gift and I was happy to gift myself the freedom to no longer be the owner of all that food! I ate my breakfast with her and we had a nice long visit. Then I headed to Olympia where I stopped at a nursery and picked up some flowers to plant at the lake. By the time I arrived at the late I was really really hungry but was greeting by a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my parents. Made me not think about how hangry I was as I was unpacking.

I unpacked what food I did bring down and focused on making my lunch. I enjoyed the shake while I fixed my meal and tried to only fix myself things I KNOW I like for lunch. Another great surprise- the 30/10 food is GOOD. I was expecting the shake to be like all other protein shakes out there…dry, clumpy, chalky, and watery. This was NOT any of those things…it was not too sweet, had a natural taste, blended right up with a Blender Bottle perfectly with no chunks and was thick and creamy. Tomorrow that bad boy is going to be made in the Vitamix with some ice! What I found really interesting is that it took me FOREVER to eat my meal. The soup was tasty and the spinach was fresh. The salad was crunchy and the cucumbers were perfect. But these foods take a long time to eat! You cannot just inhale these food items…you have to take your time to eat them and get them down. I must have been inhaling my food before because it took me 45 minutes just to eat lunch.

I spent the next two hours potting and planting the flowers I had just purchased and finished the unpacking. It was time to eat AGAIN. You HAVE to eat ALL your food every day with 30/10…no more and no less. Here is the interesting part- I was physically full…I could sense that and feel it…my gut was rock hard with food. But I felt like I was STARVING. Like little pains in my stomach and throat. I knew I was NOT hungry but my body or brain was trying to tell me something else. Why was I feeling this way? I am not lacking any nutrients or proteins but the desire to just eat anything in sight was STRONG. I wanted to chew some gum SO BAD…my mouth was watering just thinking about my grape IceBreaker gum. I mixed up my fruit beverage while making dinner, hoping that would help some of the pain subside. Dinner was 8 oz of sliced chicken breast “stir-fried” with mushrooms, orange bell peppers, GF soy sause and spices. I placed this goodness in butter lettuce leaves and topped it with alfafa sprouts. It was DELICIOUS. I make this kind of meal often…the difference was that it was not prepared in a store bought sause and some of the veggies were missing. But it was killer.

Even though after that meal I REALLY felt full I STILL had these hunger pains…they would just NOT go away. It’s infuriating really…you know you are full…you know you have all the nutrients you need for your day…but your body or your brain just will not let you be ok with that. Its 10:49 pm and I need to have one last shake…that does not sound appealing. A Milky Way does however sound delicious…

Here are my take aways from Day One:

• I have some REAL issue with food. I am not imagining this problem…it is not just in my head. To see it displayed like that was not painful or shameful (and maybe it was because I was sharing that moment with someone I have known since preschool)…it was informative and solidifying. Yes April, you do have a problem with food but you are dealing with it and that is all that matters moving forward.
• I have an AMAZING support network that will keep me moving forward. The very first thing I say today were messages of encouragement and thoughts of kindness from family and friends. Everyone I spoke to today had something insightful or encouraging to say. They all know it’s going to be tough and rocky but they are in it for the long haul just like me.
• I was eating too much and too often. Every time today that I realized or thought about my hunger I would stand up to go get something to eat. I have been doing this the whole time. Even if I was grabbing some carrots or a GF granola bar or an apple or some cheese…I was eating all the time. I must have been consuming 4,000 or 5,000 calories a day without even thinking about it. I really was eating all time time and it did not matter that it was healthy or that the portions were small…I was eating all the time ANYTIME I felt hunger.
• I need to get on a consistent eating schedule. Maybe I just need a consistent life schedule. I went too hungry for too long and I think that threw my whole eating day off.
• I had a REALLY great day despite being hangry. I potted flowers, had some awesome conversations, ate only nutritious and delicious food, was spoiled by family…I didn’t even have to use my AK! Today was a good day…maybe every day can be a good day even if I am hungry?
• Being full has nothing to do with being hungry. I was full after lunch today- I was hungry ALL day long. I mean I woke up HANGRY. Hunger is a bitch…it tricks you into thinking you need something you do not. My hunger is really physical pain. It’s a stabbing sensation in my gut and a aching sensation in my throat. You can hear my hunger radiating from my mouth. Hunger in my world is life or death…it is always there lurking in the shadows…pulling my mind away from focusing on work or pleasure. It is robbing me of my time and my energy and my life. Hunger for many people is true hunger and it means their body’s did not take in what they need to survive. My hunger is just smoke in mirrors…its black magic in it’s worst form. And all the food in the world will not silence my hunger.
• I don’t know how to deal with this hunger. I need to spend every waking minute learning how to deal with my hunger and either make peace with it or make it go away.
• I have some willpower left. I did NOT dip into my “on-plan” emergency stash and I did NOT cheat. My therapist taught me a breathing technique and I used it A LOT today. Jury is still out on how well that works.
• I only have to make it to Thursday. Next Thursday I will weight in and check in with my coach. I just need to make it until then…Next Friday is a new week and a fresh start.
• I am still thinking about food all the time. Even thought 30/10 is designed to help you not think about food I am still thinking about food. I have to refer to the page of Allowed/Not Allowed all the time. Its like I am hoping it will look different if I just double check it again…dammit…yogurt is still not on the list!
• Today was not as bad as I thought it would be. It is also just as bad as I thought it would be. The 30/10 food is great…super tasty and very enjoyable. I felt relief giving away all that food. The flowers look beautiful and my grandparents are very excited I stuck to the plan on Day one! I was starving all day. I was thinking about food all the time. I really really really do have a food issue. I really do have to do this hard work to release this weight and get right in the head. Shitballs….

Thank you everyone for the love and support. It makes all this worth it. 

I will need your continued love and support.

You can support me by sending me flowers, emailing me something hilarious about anything…especially weight loss and hanger and anything related to this shit I find myself in the middle of, recommending an awesome new book I should read, inviting me to the art museum, coming down to the lake to hang out on the dock, kayaking with me, sharing your own personal struggles so I am always reminded that I am not the only bat-shit crazy person on this planet, share with me your tips and tricks for getting past the hard parts, teach me Kung-Fu, help me meal plan, go for a walk with me, write a letter to your congressperson or representative and tell them to FUCKING PAY TEACHERS WHAT THEY ARE WORTH AND FUND EDUCATION FULLY (COLA, health care, smaller classroom sizes…)- AS ORDERED BY THE WASHINGTON STATE SUPREME COURT! The list is really endless.

Just by taking the time to read this and understand what I am going through is a wonderful gift of support and love. 

Todays Menu:

Breakfast @ 11:30am: 1 small ass serving of cereal- cinnamon vanilla flavor and 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk.

Snack @ 3pm: Protein Shake- chocolate. YUMM-O

Lunch @ 4pm: Chicken stock with spinach, green salad with cucumbers and orange peppers, Waldon Farms ranch dressing, cucumber salad made with a dash of EVOO, salt, pepper, dill, garlic powder.

Snack @6pm: Grapefruit protein juice drink. DELICIOUS. Will mix with ice next time…maybe it will taste like a Slurpee?

Dinner @ 8pm: Chicken Stir-Fry with yellow peppers, mushrooms, sprouts in butter lettuce wraps.

Snack @ 11:38pm: Mini chocolate smoothie. I don’t want to drink this but I have to.

“Before”

May 19, 2015 @ 30/10 Weight Loss for Life Tacoma w/Ashton

**Probably should have rethought the outfit but you know…I was coming from the lake 😉 **  

This is not the heaviest I have weighed but its pretty close…