Day… Who The Hell Knows…

I HAVE to get to the bottom of this slump in my LIFE! WHY the hell was I SO on-point a few months ago and now I can’t tear myself away from the SVU marathon on USA? I NEED to get to the bottom of this so I can DELAY doing the real work of battling my addiction…of going back to thinking deeply about why I can’t just eat the freaking 30/10 food and be DONE with it all…not talking myself down from a ledge every freaking time I am Starbucks…from reminding myself 5000 times a day that “It’s just food!” I see you addiction…sneaky bastard. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. Continue reading Day… Who The Hell Knows…

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Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

I have to stop listening to my addiction. Sounds easy! I think that is what makes addiction so powerful. Everyone has voices that speak to them. People who are not necessarily addicted can just talk back to their voices and their voices listen and don’t pitch too big of a fit. People who are addicted have voices that take over all their senses including their eyeballs and they just wont stop screaming until you just to what they say. Then once you have given in it sits back and say “See? That was not so bad…why do you fight me so much?” while your rational brain is crying crocodile tears because you really didn’t want to do that and now feel physically and emotional worse that you did before you gave in. It’s the most abusive relationship you have ever been in and getting out of that relationship is like trying to get the white out of rice. Continue reading Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

Days 137-141: An Old Plan

Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Continue reading Days 137-141: An Old Plan

36 Days

It has been 36 days since I have written about my struggle. There are a lot of reason for this; I was moving back into my house, I was struggling to stay on plan, I was not feeling good about many aspects of my life, I was busy, I was tired…the list is endless but really the only reason that counts is that I was relapsing. Why the hell would acknowledge to the world that I had jumped back on that highway of food and did not plan on taking the next exit anytime soon? I was tired of fighting every element of my life and I was tired of being not happy so I just kinda existed for 36 days. Continue reading 36 Days

Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.

I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.

Days 126-129: Life Upside down

She asked why and I said that I had no kitchen and had to eat out. She then asked if I could have eaten on plan while eating out and of course the answer is YES. And se said- “So you cant blame your choices on eat out now can you?” GOD DAMMIT Grandma can’t I have one day…three days where I just don’t think or deal with the struggle? Her answer is NO…you do not get a pass or a day off until you have released all your weight. Continue reading Days 126-129: Life Upside down

Days 115-122; ROUGH Week

Most of the things I did last week did not get me to where I wanted to be the next day. My 30/10 check in on Thursday was good but it wasn’t. I was up 1.1 pounds. I had lost 1.1 pounds of fat and I was up in muscle but seeing that you are 1.1 pounds heavier is just so hard to take. It is so hard to break away from your weight number and focus on your fat numbers. Positive results are seeing the fat pounds go down and down and down and that is what is happening. Why can’t I be happy with that? Continue reading Days 115-122; ROUGH Week

Days 97-98 Gutter Balls

My body is revolting and hanging on to every ounce of water apparently…my brain hurts from thinking about work…my eyes are sore…my muscles are sore…I think ever body system is pissed off and wants OUT. I need some sleep and I need some clarity. I don’t even know if that will help. I don’t know what I need because I know that whatever I turn to is not going to make any of this go away. I know I just have to walk through it and deal with it as it comes. Continue reading Days 97-98 Gutter Balls