While things are returning to normal, I am more and more aware that in many ways, there will be no returning to normal. There is the only newness. I cannot return to the old normal because it physically or mentally does not work that way anymore. Sometimes that is hard to grasp or accept because you just want to be and feel normal again. Continue reading Adjusting to Life After Bariatric Surgery
I have no real expectations after surgery…I plan on following the doctor’s orders and being the best big patient I can be. I am hopeful for a quick recovery and that I can tolerate all foods and champagne after the procedure but I am not really mourning the loss of any of those things. Don’t get it twisted though…I LOVE me some champaign and that could be the reason that I am fat at the moment. Continue reading It’s Going Down For Reals…
I did the program for 15 weeks and dropped 45 pounds. It was a rollercoaster- the beginning was awful then it got easy and doo-able, then it got really hard again. By that time my 15 weeks was up and I signed up for another 15 weeks but I was BURNT OUT. I was tired of doing it. I was not tired of losing weight but I was tired of the program and their food. I stated missing enjoying food and while maybe that is the goal it seemed like a pretty cruel goal. Then the holidays came and now i’m here…January 19th…wondering why I am delaying the inevitable. Continue reading Day 184: Delaying the Inevitable
“The choices you have made with addiction were once intelligent, adaptive life skills intending to support your very survival. Everyone’s “life skills” set is generated out of his or her earliest life experiences and experiments. Our early attempts to understand, soothe, enjoy, connect, belong, or express ourselves, to name a few of our fundamental human needs, were all mini-research experiments for life…your early research discovered that food…worked to soothe, numb, or distract you, or to create a sense of agency of control. Food became a medium through which you met your needs. Sadly they became painfully overused, maladaptive, and ineffective. This leads you to your current circumstances: with a skill set that lacks a diverse set of tools for responding to life.” Sarahjoy Marsh Continue reading Day 180: Painful
I have to stop listening to my addiction. Sounds easy! I think that is what makes addiction so powerful. Everyone has voices that speak to them. People who are not necessarily addicted can just talk back to their voices and their voices listen and don’t pitch too big of a fit. People who are addicted have voices that take over all their senses including their eyeballs and they just wont stop screaming until you just to what they say. Then once you have given in it sits back and say “See? That was not so bad…why do you fight me so much?” while your rational brain is crying crocodile tears because you really didn’t want to do that and now feel physically and emotional worse that you did before you gave in. It’s the most abusive relationship you have ever been in and getting out of that relationship is like trying to get the white out of rice. Continue reading Day 173: I Don’t Wanna
It has been a year of adjusting and a year of things that made me uncomfortable and sad and anxious and nervous. That is not who I naturally am…the year seemed to be against who I was. That is fitting since in many ways I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I really have changed. Maybe it back to the whole mourning thing…that seems to be cycling in my life every month or so. Things get going on a right path and I seem to be pushed off of that path. Maybe it’s a growth pattern…Growth can be uncomfortable I guess. I am tired of being uncomfortable.I am tired of feeling like I am constantly in mourning. I am ready for the familiar and cozy. Continue reading Day 143: The Day Before
Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Continue reading Days 137-141: An Old Plan
I can still grieve the old one…I learned today that I have permission to do so. Just because you are grieving something does not mean that you don’t like your current situation. They are two separate things. Continue reading Days 133-139: Grieving
I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.
I ordered a new Seahawks sip up sweatshirt jacket thing in an XXL and it does NOT fit. I can zip it up but its one of those items you would NEVER wear in public. Do I keep in of hopes of fitting into by the time the Hawks play in the Suerbowl? Do I send it back with an angry note about making clothes that FUCKING FIT people and not only the Seagals? FML dude…FML! Continue reading Days 80, 81: SO OVER THIS!