It has been 36 days since I have written about my struggle. There are a lot of reason for this; I was moving back into my house, I was struggling to stay on plan, I was not feeling good about many aspects of my life, I was busy, I was tired…the list is endless but really the only reason that counts is that I was relapsing. Why the hell would acknowledge to the world that I had jumped back on that highway of food and did not plan on taking the next exit anytime soon? I was tired of fighting every element of my life and I was tired of being not happy so I just kinda existed for 36 days.

The good news is that I did not gain any weight. Yeah! The bad news is that I did not release any weight. I was able to take a break without taking a step backwards. That gives me great hope for life after 30/10. The changes that I have made since starting 30/10 have really become natural. Bonus: 30/10 paused my program so I was not losing my money while I was losing my mind and spirit. I love those people. 30/10 the company is a good company but the people who run it and work there really do care about you. They know just when and how to push me and when to give me some weeks to just be. Ever week during those days and really months that I was paused I went in on my check in day and weighed in and talked with my coach. I was able to keep that period a pause and not a period of a backwards slide into food hell. They kept me going and helped me make the best choices when I could or wanted to. They were never disappointed…they were understanding and supportive. And they were firm and they held me accountable to the work I had already done.

In the past 36 days two VERY close people in my life have signed up for 30/10; my mom and my husband. I was amazed that they both took the steps to understand what it takes to live a food healthy life. My mom looks like the women who does NOT need 30/10. She is shorterish and petite and looks like weight is not a struggle. But she wanted to feel different and she too has done different things in the past successfully to shed unwanted pounds but some of those pounds came back over time. Weight Watchers worked for her in the past but her new desire, at least from my vantage point, was to understand what her weight was made of- water, muscle, bones, fat- and in what ratio they were presenting in her body. 30/10 is extraordinary this way; the information you receive every week about your own body is insightful and meaningful. Once you get the fact that you cannot work off anything at a gym you start to wonder then just how can I take this weight off? My #1 takeaway from 30/10 has been this “Fitness happens at the gym, weight loss happens in the kitchen.” You cannot work off that Thanksgiving meal that we all just enjoyed. Your body has to burn it naturally…treadmill sessions just aint going to make that Pecan Pie disappear. Grady signed up because he was just sick of feeling fat and sick. He too is enjoying getting to understand how his body is composed and just how deadly fat is. When my mom signed up it was a blessing- she LOVES to cook and experiment in the kitchen and that means new recipes and ideas will be coming my way! When we visit the meals will be on-plan and delicious and we can bounce ideas off of each other on how to avoid certain pitfalls of the program and life in general. Grady on the other had has proved challenging for me and I have a few ideas as to why. #1: 30/10 was MY thing and now its his thing too. #2: When I don’t feel like doing the program I have a second voice now literally in my ear telling me to stay on program (annoying). #3: His plan is kinda different form mine and he is constantly asking me if I am doing MY plan right! The NERVE! The flip side to this is that I am thankful he is doing it. He needs to lose weight. He was not happy with his health and struggled to find something to help him get healthy. We did Weight Watchers together and that was great…but we never learned how to be healthy. We learned how to count points. We don’t want to count points for the rest of our lives. He now understands my struggle a bit more and can empathize with what I have been going through. It is something that we unfortunately have in common but really all that means is that we are united in life now by this struggle and will never allow ourselves to go back. When kids are in the picture we are united in how we want to feed them and talk about health and how we will teach them about what it really means to eat well and be healthy. We can turn to each other for support…we can expose our deep dark secret desire for some sugary or sweet or pizzaey and not be judged by those statements; we can talk each other down from the ledge of food addiction and that is nice to have. So yeah…I really can’t go back…my whole family is on board and has committed to health for life now.

I am back in my home (YEAH!) and its beautiful. The new floor is amazing and the fresh paint makes this old place look brand new. When the movers came back with my stuff in those big boxes I found it freeing to take a quick look and ask them to pack it back upstairs and put it int he back of my car so I could take it to the Goodwill. I am SO DONE with stuff. I have a ton of stuff…a ton of shit…a ton of things that I thought would be cool and useful but were really purchased to help me avoid dealing with myself. So now that I am dealing with me I don’t need this shit anymore and I am SO EXCITED to get rid of it. I have either gifted or sold handbags, clothes, kitchen stuff, jewelry, shoes, school supplies, books, Christmas decorations, dishes…SO DONE! I only want things that bring me joy and things that I am really going to use. I want things that I will enjoy for their value-not because I think it will help me hide from myself.  I am feeling like my home is filled to the rafters with shit and I am so tired of it. I am tired of carrying all of this stuff in my house and in my mind. And this process has felt REALLY good. The old me would have gotten rid of things and replaced them with new things right away. That me is gone and that makes me happy.

Christmas is here and that also makes me happy. My home is decorated, the outside lights are almost all up, and our tree is trimmed! I love the holidays. The music and the festivities that you have to take full advantage in December 🙂

Last Saturday Grady and I spend the whole day downtown Seattle and it was prefect! An Impressionist exhibit is being shown at SAM so we spent a few hours admiring the masters of the movement. We did some quick shopping in Westlake, saw the Macy’s star then headed to the Key to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It was one of the best performances I have ever seen! If you ever have the opportunity to go…GO! So many lasers and FIRE and flying performers…all set to classic Christmas music played in ROCK style! It was a great way to get into the spirit of the season! We finished our night at Ruth’s Chris and it was DELICIOUS. Their creamed spinach is seriously the only reason I go there. It is also the reasons I am not so excited about tomorrow.

Thursday…THE day. I am back on plan; no more pauses or stops. I would LOVE to pause during this holiday but know that its pointless…I would just be delaying the inevitable. And if I can continue to release weight this season I can continue to release weight the rest of the year. And now that Grady is doing it we just have to do it. I have made a few batches of fudge for other people and gatherings and some has ended up in my mouth (just saying). I am going to make my sugar cookies but those are not my nemesis. I LOVE making them…I am not in love with eating them. Weird I know. I enjoy 1 or 2 but thats it. They are therapeutic to make 🙂 But one bad day can throw off your whole week and we have every weekend booked with awesome holiday adventures. This is going to take monumental strength to get through this month and be down in January. And I am just not in the mood to be strong. I am in the mood for hot cocco and rich meals. I just have to be STRICK when it comes to indulgences. And I have never been good at this…Grady tries so hard to put me on a budget. I don’t think I really know what that is…budget…isn’t that a car rental company? I have to really pick and choose what will be worth it and what will not. Grady will be at the Lake through the 1st of the year and that is a good thing and a bad thing. I can survive on salads when its just me. But when its just me fudge finds its way into my mouth. And then a Christmas movie comes on TV and all I want to do is lay on the couch with him and drink hot cocco and that makes me even more bummed out because he is not here! DAMN YOU Family Home Entertainment! So I am hoping that by getting back on the blog bandwagon I can use this to muster some strength to get me through. I really want to be DONE with 30/10 but I REALLY want to release 100 pounds and I am almost half way there. I think this will be my Christmas Wish this year…strength to release weight over these holidays and into the new year. Well that will be my mental wish…my physical wish is this Marc Jacobs handbag on my Nordstroms Wish List 🙂