Those numbers are devastatingly crushing because I naively thought that surgery would fix it all; that I would magically be trim, fit, healthy, happy, and put together one year out. I have been battling my weight for as long as my memory can reflect on my life. I was hoping bariatric surgery would end that struggle, that constant battle between my soul and food. I can say *definitely* it has not ended anything, which is another sour spot in my soul. But what weighs the heaviest is the realization that the work of living life at a healthy weight has everything to do with what the surgery did NOT fix and everything to do with what I never wanted to confront- myself, my addiction, and my body-mind disconnection. Continue reading Thoughts on a Year
While things are returning to normal, I am more and more aware that in many ways, there will be no returning to normal. There is the only newness. I cannot return to the old normal because it physically or mentally does not work that way anymore. Sometimes that is hard to grasp or accept because you just want to be and feel normal again. Continue reading Adjusting to Life After Bariatric Surgery
I think I also came to a kind of peace with my past and present today. I guess I proved to myself that you can be fat and have a fucking amazing life. It’s not easy, but I don’t think life is easy at any weight. It is ok to be fat-large-husky-round-pudgy-big boned. Other people might not think it is ok but I am telling you…it IS ok. It is also ok to not want to be large anymore and it is ok to do something about it. You are OK at every weight. You might not be *happy* but you are ok. Consistent happiness is not a requirement for life…but being ok is. Continue reading How I Spent My Day Before
I could put a positive spin on this. I could say that I have “learned so much about my addiction, my struggle…” I could describe to you all of the research and medical testing I have been through to come to the conclusion that “Well…it could be your weight?”. I could share with you an amazing keto, Whole 30, paleo, recipe for “breadsticks” that you could *literally* dig a grave with because I have burned them so many times in the oven undertakers call me “The Baker”. But I am angry. And pissed. So no spin here…you are in the “No Spin Zone” as the living dead on Fox News would say. I am just really tired. I have never understood the concept of “give it to Jesus” until now. I just can’t do this anymore. I have tried everything three times over. This shit is bigger than me and I am ready for something else to pick up the burden. So…I am giving it all to the surgeon to let him work his sterilized robotic arms on my insides so that I might be forgiven and reborn. Continue reading The Day Before The Day Before Deja’vu
I don’t think I have ever had to jump through so many hoops to get something accomplished in my life. I guess a college degree has some major hoop jumping but this felt different. Every step had some issue or complication…just getting them to send my packet to the right place was a monumental effort. I feel at peace now knowing that this is happening…for reals. I am ready to move forward so I can actually look and feel the way I think I already look and feel. Continue reading APPROVED!
Podcasts man…where have you been all my life! These things are AMAZING! Now that I am at the lake for the summer and back to a … Continue reading Listen To Learn My Friends!
I HAVE to get to the bottom of this slump in my LIFE! WHY the hell was I SO on-point a few months ago and now I can’t tear myself away from the SVU marathon on USA? I NEED to get to the bottom of this so I can DELAY doing the real work of battling my addiction…of going back to thinking deeply about why I can’t just eat the freaking 30/10 food and be DONE with it all…not talking myself down from a ledge every freaking time I am Starbucks…from reminding myself 5000 times a day that “It’s just food!” I see you addiction…sneaky bastard. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. Continue reading Day… Who The Hell Knows…
When the day was over I realized the only thing I posted on social media were pictures of the food- well I did post one picture of some beautiful tulips. Before I would have never noticed this but this year I did. Just another reminder that the struggle is still real and I have some issues with food. But instead of dwelling on this discovery I thought of all of the awesome non-food related things that happened on Easter. Continue reading Day 254: Easter Recovery
Today I REALLY tried to be focused. I mean I summoned the strength of HE MAN to stay focused. I also tried to plan ahead to … Continue reading Day 241: The Day Before
When I look back on that list a few trends appear: I did a lot of socializing, my brain worked a ton, I had some laughs, did a lot of celebrating, and ate a lot of food. And party food- not regular food. My last 27 days have been GOOD days- they have been busy and filled with joy. What has not been good is my eating during those days. I am having a hard time getting my good days to also be good food days. I am having a very hard time saying no. Whats new…#transparenttuesday. Continue reading Day 240: #transparenttuesday