Category: Failure

Bariatric Support, Bariatric Surgery, Change, Failure, Fear, Grateful, Inspiration, Motivation, Sleeve, Support, Weight LossLeave a comment
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Thoughts on a Year

awesomeapril

Those numbers are devastatingly crushing because I naively thought that surgery would fix it all; that I would magically be trim, fit, healthy, happy, and put together one year out. I have been battling my weight for as long as my memory can reflect on my life. I was hoping bariatric surgery would end that struggle, that constant battle between my soul and food. I can say *definitely* it has not ended anything, which is another sour spot in my soul. But what weighs the heaviest is the realization that the work of living life at a healthy weight has everything to do with what the surgery did NOT fix and everything to do with what I never wanted to confront- myself, my addiction, and my body-mind disconnection. Continue reading Thoughts on a Year

Bariatric Surgery, Failure, Fear, Grateful, Inspiration, Motivation, Sleeve, Support, Weight Loss4 Comments

It’s Going Down For Reals…

awesomeapril

I have no real expectations after surgery…I plan on following the doctor’s orders and being the best big patient I can be. I am hopeful for a quick recovery and that I can tolerate all foods and champagne after the procedure but I am not really mourning the loss of any of those things. Don’t get it twisted though…I LOVE me some champaign and that could be the reason that I am fat at the moment. Continue reading It’s Going Down For Reals…

30/10, 30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Support, Weight Loss13 Comments

Day… Who The Hell Knows…

awesomeapril

I HAVE to get to the bottom of this slump in my LIFE! WHY the hell was I SO on-point a few months ago and now I can’t tear myself away from the SVU marathon on USA? I NEED to get to the bottom of this so I can DELAY doing the real work of battling my addiction…of going back to thinking deeply about why I can’t just eat the freaking 30/10 food and be DONE with it all…not talking myself down from a ledge every freaking time I am Starbucks…from reminding myself 5000 times a day that “It’s just food!” I see you addiction…sneaky bastard. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. Continue reading Day… Who The Hell Knows…

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Motivation, Weight Loss2 Comments

Day 240: #transparenttuesday

awesomeapril

When I look back on that list a few trends appear: I did a lot of socializing, my brain worked a ton, I had some laughs, did a lot of celebrating, and ate a lot of food. And party food- not regular food. My last 27 days have been GOOD days- they have been busy and filled with joy. What has not been good is my eating during those days. I am having a hard time getting my good days to also be good food days. I am having a very hard time saying no. Whats new…#transparenttuesday. Continue reading Day 240: #transparenttuesday

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Fear, Weight Loss2 Comments

Day 184: Delaying the Inevitable

awesomeapril

I did the program for 15 weeks and dropped 45 pounds. It was a rollercoaster- the beginning was awful then it got easy and doo-able, then it got really hard again. By that time my 15 weeks was up and I signed up for another 15 weeks but I was BURNT OUT. I was tired of doing it. I was not tired of losing weight but I was tired of the program and their food. I stated missing enjoying food and while maybe that is the goal it seemed like a pretty cruel goal. Then the holidays came and now i’m here…January 19th…wondering why I am delaying the inevitable. Continue reading Day 184: Delaying the Inevitable

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Fear, Motivation, Weight Loss4 Comments

Day 180: Painful

awesomeapril

“The choices you have made with addiction were once intelligent, adaptive life skills intending to support your very survival. Everyone’s “life skills” set is generated out of his or her earliest life experiences and experiments. Our early attempts to understand, soothe, enjoy, connect, belong, or express ourselves, to name a few of our fundamental human needs, were all mini-research experiments for life…your early research discovered that food…worked to soothe, numb, or distract you, or to create a sense of agency of control. Food became a medium through which you met your needs. Sadly they became painfully overused, maladaptive, and ineffective. This leads you to your current circumstances: with a skill set that lacks a diverse set of tools for responding to life.” Sarahjoy Marsh Continue reading Day 180: Painful

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Fear, Weight Loss2 Comments

Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

awesomeapril

I have to stop listening to my addiction. Sounds easy! I think that is what makes addiction so powerful. Everyone has voices that speak to them. People who are not necessarily addicted can just talk back to their voices and their voices listen and don’t pitch too big of a fit. People who are addicted have voices that take over all their senses including their eyeballs and they just wont stop screaming until you just to what they say. Then once you have given in it sits back and say “See? That was not so bad…why do you fight me so much?” while your rational brain is crying crocodile tears because you really didn’t want to do that and now feel physically and emotional worse that you did before you gave in. It’s the most abusive relationship you have ever been in and getting out of that relationship is like trying to get the white out of rice. Continue reading Day 173: I Don’t Wanna