Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.

This week has been good and bad…and ugly.

The good: The mold has been exorcized from my home and the repair estimate has come in. I get to pick flooring then just wait for it all to come together. Halloween is looking like when it will be done and put back as it was but at least I can see progress being made. My home office is working out well…the Supermoon was pretty cool. The Hawks won and I am 3-0 in my fantasy football league (I am totally dominating…) I got my nails ‘did today and they look fabulous.

The bad: It was a HORRIBLE food week. I have eaten out almost every single day. I could make better food choices out but I have not. I am using my current situation as an excuse to eat bad things and I know it. As my grandma so astutely pointed out the other day- eating out is not a reason to eat off-plan. Shit happens in life but that has nothing to do with what you put in your pie hole. I am having a real hard time putting those words into action.

The UGLY: What makes it even worse is that I feel like complete garbage. I am not sleeping well, yoga is a STRUGGLE because I don’t have the nutrients that I need to make it through a workout, I feel sluggish and heavy and just nasty. Tomorrow is going to be apocalyptic. I bet I will be up 5 pounds tomorrow. I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. That is so horrible that it is hard to even acknowledge. Even though I feel like shit and all things in my body are revolting against this bad food I still have it. Knowing ALL that I know about this process and food and what it can or cannot do to give and prolong life I continue to eat shit food. It is not rational. It makes no sense. It is addiction at it’s worse. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that is required to get back on track…to recreate Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. I know what that was like and maybe I just don’t want to go through that again…total avoidance is the name of this game. I think this is pure addiction driving this. I caved and gave in to that addiction and now I am right back on that superhighway of want and desire for food that kills me. I see David tomorrow and I need him to help get me back on track.

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Tonight I am going to yoga then to the grocery store to buy some pre-made on plan salads, freezer veggies I can steam in the microwave, and paper plates, bowls, and utensils. I have access to my kitchen now but am missing half of my counters and cabinets making food prep difficult. I also don’t want to be digging out dishes and food prep items from storage bins so I am going to make this as easy as I can for myself. I CAN eat on plan with packaged foods and that is just what I am going to have to do. I need to fight through the cravings and just get back on plan. Holy shit this is SO hard. This just sucks beyond sucks. 1st world problems are a real bitch.

So…tomorrow I will get the stone cold bitch slap of reality and will be the day I get off the highway of death and back onto the winding highway along the ocean of health and life and better sleep and no neck rolls of fat.

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8 thoughts on “Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.

  1. I do hope you get back on plan, but if you don’t want to start at the beginning of 30/10, can’t you try something else that will make you look forward to eating healthier and making better choices? You know, like something new to re-ignite the fires??

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    1. I have paid for 30/10 up front and it not the program specifically…it just going through any process from the beginning. It’s my physical reaction to basically detoxing I think that I want to avoid. I have put myself here so I have to just do it. And yes you are right…I do need to find something or refocus on my goals get get me motivated to get back on plan!

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      1. Why do you have to detox? I don’t know a lot about 30/10, but you could just count calories and make healthy decisions and no detoxing at all? Just start fresh and not have to worry about the past.

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      2. 30/10 is a medical weight loss program. It includes foods that I have already purchased. The detox so to speak will be the process of getting the cravings back to low levels and readjusting to the healthy amount of food.

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      3. O I see, now I understand better. I hope you are able to get it under control-I know first hand how hard it is to battle cravings and not give in. Good luck girl and I’m here to support you!!

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  2. I also am on 30/10 and feel your struggle. I am basically on program 100% but mainly because I fear if I don’t I will go off the deep end. Yesterday I came down with a cold bug and had little self control. I still kept it to relatively healthy food ( nuts and a few slices salami were my cheat😁). But it’s a hard program to follow. But, as you know, you started for a reason. Try to take a deep breath. Take a step back and just make this meal a better meal for you. Can you imagine doing all of it and then gaining everything back? Then the verybrelanstrugglenwoukd be for nothing. It’s a lifetime program. Lean into your counsellors. You can do this one meal/one hour at a time. Hang in there

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    1. Thanks Heather! As soon as I started to indulge my weight loss slowed and it does make it easier to really fall off it you know that you can “cheat”. And no I cannot imagine going back to my old ways and old weight. It is just not going to happen. Like you said- every meal will be better for me until I am 100% back on plan!

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