This week has been good and bad…and ugly.
The good: The mold has been exorcized from my home and the repair estimate has come in. I get to pick flooring then just wait for it all to come together. Halloween is looking like when it will be done and put back as it was but at least I can see progress being made. My home office is working out well…the Supermoon was pretty cool. The Hawks won and I am 3-0 in my fantasy football league (I am totally dominating…) I got my nails ‘did today and they look fabulous.
The bad: It was a HORRIBLE food week. I have eaten out almost every single day. I could make better food choices out but I have not. I am using my current situation as an excuse to eat bad things and I know it. As my grandma so astutely pointed out the other day- eating out is not a reason to eat off-plan. Shit happens in life but that has nothing to do with what you put in your pie hole. I am having a real hard time putting those words into action.
The UGLY: What makes it even worse is that I feel like complete garbage. I am not sleeping well, yoga is a STRUGGLE because I don’t have the nutrients that I need to make it through a workout, I feel sluggish and heavy and just nasty. Tomorrow is going to be apocalyptic. I bet I will be up 5 pounds tomorrow. I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. That is so horrible that it is hard to even acknowledge. Even though I feel like shit and all things in my body are revolting against this bad food I still have it. Knowing ALL that I know about this process and food and what it can or cannot do to give and prolong life I continue to eat shit food. It is not rational. It makes no sense. It is addiction at it’s worse. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that is required to get back on track…to recreate Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. I know what that was like and maybe I just don’t want to go through that again…total avoidance is the name of this game. I think this is pure addiction driving this. I caved and gave in to that addiction and now I am right back on that superhighway of want and desire for food that kills me. I see David tomorrow and I need him to help get me back on track.
Tonight I am going to yoga then to the grocery store to buy some pre-made on plan salads, freezer veggies I can steam in the microwave, and paper plates, bowls, and utensils. I have access to my kitchen now but am missing half of my counters and cabinets making food prep difficult. I also don’t want to be digging out dishes and food prep items from storage bins so I am going to make this as easy as I can for myself. I CAN eat on plan with packaged foods and that is just what I am going to have to do. I need to fight through the cravings and just get back on plan. Holy shit this is SO hard. This just sucks beyond sucks. 1st world problems are a real bitch.
So…tomorrow I will get the stone cold bitch slap of reality and will be the day I get off the highway of death and back onto the winding highway along the ocean of health and life and better sleep and no neck rolls of fat.