When the day was over I realized the only thing I posted on social media were pictures of the food- well I did post one picture of some beautiful tulips. Before I would have never noticed this but this year I did. Just another reminder that the struggle is still real and I have some issues with food. But instead of dwelling on this discovery I thought of all of the awesome non-food related things that happened on Easter. Continue reading Day 254: Easter Recovery
I feel like I have come full circle with 30/10. I have done it all…made the scary decision to do it, fought off the demons and hunger pains of the beginning, admitted that I use food to get through life, found a counselor who could help me through the addiction side of my food issues, experienced the highs of releasing weight, gotten pissed and “paused”, but the most important part- maintain my new lower weight. That is how I KNOW this was the program for me…I have maintained. I will never go back. I know TOO MUCH now about myself and my addiction to let it control my life again. Continue reading Day 186: Well…down is down
“The choices you have made with addiction were once intelligent, adaptive life skills intending to support your very survival. Everyone’s “life skills” set is generated out of his or her earliest life experiences and experiments. Our early attempts to understand, soothe, enjoy, connect, belong, or express ourselves, to name a few of our fundamental human needs, were all mini-research experiments for life…your early research discovered that food…worked to soothe, numb, or distract you, or to create a sense of agency of control. Food became a medium through which you met your needs. Sadly they became painfully overused, maladaptive, and ineffective. This leads you to your current circumstances: with a skill set that lacks a diverse set of tools for responding to life.” Sarahjoy Marsh Continue reading Day 180: Painful
So the continued lesson of this adventure: sometimes food is an OK tool to use to feel normal. When its checked and public and reasonable it’s ok. Sometimes it is needed to help the healing and anger and the hurt and the confusion and the return to normalcy. Continue reading Days 144, 145:Coming to Grips
Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs
I can still grieve the old one…I learned today that I have permission to do so. Just because you are grieving something does not mean that you don’t like your current situation. They are two separate things. Continue reading Days 133-139: Grieving
I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.
She asked why and I said that I had no kitchen and had to eat out. She then asked if I could have eaten on plan while eating out and of course the answer is YES. And se said- “So you cant blame your choices on eat out now can you?” GOD DAMMIT Grandma can’t I have one day…three days where I just don’t think or deal with the struggle? Her answer is NO…you do not get a pass or a day off until you have released all your weight. Continue reading Days 126-129: Life Upside down
This really is the most weight I have ever released. In the past 10 years I have only seen my weight creep up and up and up. Grady has never known me at this weight and that seems kinda weird. I don’t think he thinks its weird but I think it would be different to see someone actually change their look and shape in front of your eyes. I get that kids grow up but we are used to seeing and witnessing that. It is not very often that adults shape shift! Continue reading Day 125: KILLER Results!
And before I left for yoga I put on a workout jacket that I have not worn in a long time and I didn’t feel any different!!! Are you KIDDING ME? Thursday cannot come quick enough. I was 100% on plan today. Big freaking deal. At least the struggle took a back seat to the rest of the shitshow that is my life right now. Continue reading Day 123: Thursday needs to GET HERE.