Adjusting to Life After Bariatric Surgery

While things are returning to normal, I am more and more aware that in many ways, there will be no returning to normal. There is the only newness. I cannot return to the old normal because it physically or mentally does not work that way anymore. Sometimes that is hard to grasp or accept because you just want to be and feel normal again. Continue reading Adjusting to Life After Bariatric Surgery

Mind AND Body

Never once in my life have I “thought” about my body. I know it is there…it does things to keep my person alive…it gets me places and it responds to my brains commands. When it is physically hurting I address the pain and move on until something else presents itself. My body is a tool that my brain uses to get shit done. Period. Apparently, this is not the way it should be. Continue reading Mind AND Body

The Day Before The Day Before Deja’vu

I could put a positive spin on this. I could say that I have “learned so much about my addiction, my struggle…” I could describe to you all of the research and medical testing I have been through to come to the conclusion that “Well…it could be your weight?”. I could share with you an amazing keto, Whole 30, paleo, recipe for “breadsticks” that you could *literally* dig a grave with because I have burned them so many times in the oven undertakers call me “The Baker”. But I am angry. And pissed. So no spin here…you are in the “No Spin Zone” as the living dead on Fox News would say. I am just really tired. I have never understood the concept of “give it to Jesus” until now. I just can’t do this anymore. I have tried everything three times over. This shit is bigger than me and I am ready for something else to pick up the burden. So…I am giving it all to the surgeon to let him work his sterilized robotic arms on my insides so that I might be forgiven and reborn.  Continue reading The Day Before The Day Before Deja’vu

Sticky post

It’s Going Down For Reals…

I have no real expectations after surgery…I plan on following the doctor’s orders and being the best big patient I can be. I am hopeful for a quick recovery and that I can tolerate all foods and champagne after the procedure but I am not really mourning the loss of any of those things. Don’t get it twisted though…I LOVE me some champaign and that could be the reason that I am fat at the moment. Continue reading It’s Going Down For Reals…

Day 254: Easter Recovery

When the day was over I realized the only thing I posted on social media were pictures of the food- well I did post one picture of some beautiful tulips. Before I would have never noticed this but this year I did. Just another reminder that the struggle is still real and I have some issues with food. But instead of dwelling on this discovery I thought of all of the awesome non-food related things that happened on Easter. Continue reading Day 254: Easter Recovery

Day 186: Well…down is down

I feel like I have come full circle with 30/10. I have done it all…made the scary decision to do it, fought off the demons and hunger pains of the beginning, admitted that I use food to get through life, found a counselor who could help me through the addiction side of my food issues, experienced the highs of releasing weight, gotten pissed and “paused”, but the most important part- maintain my new lower weight. That is how I KNOW this was the program for me…I have maintained. I will never go back. I know TOO MUCH now about myself and my addiction to let it control my life again. Continue reading Day 186: Well…down is down

Day 180: Painful

“The choices you have made with addiction were once intelligent, adaptive life skills intending to support your very survival. Everyone’s “life skills” set is generated out of his or her earliest life experiences and experiments. Our early attempts to understand, soothe, enjoy, connect, belong, or express ourselves, to name a few of our fundamental human needs, were all mini-research experiments for life…your early research discovered that food…worked to soothe, numb, or distract you, or to create a sense of agency of control. Food became a medium through which you met your needs. Sadly they became painfully overused, maladaptive, and ineffective. This leads you to your current circumstances: with a skill set that lacks a diverse set of tools for responding to life.” Sarahjoy Marsh Continue reading Day 180: Painful

Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs