Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs
I can still grieve the old one…I learned today that I have permission to do so. Just because you are grieving something does not mean that you don’t like your current situation. They are two separate things. Continue reading Days 133-139: Grieving
I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.
She asked why and I said that I had no kitchen and had to eat out. She then asked if I could have eaten on plan while eating out and of course the answer is YES. And se said- “So you cant blame your choices on eat out now can you?” GOD DAMMIT Grandma can’t I have one day…three days where I just don’t think or deal with the struggle? Her answer is NO…you do not get a pass or a day off until you have released all your weight. Continue reading Days 126-129: Life Upside down
This really is the most weight I have ever released. In the past 10 years I have only seen my weight creep up and up and up. Grady has never known me at this weight and that seems kinda weird. I don’t think he thinks its weird but I think it would be different to see someone actually change their look and shape in front of your eyes. I get that kids grow up but we are used to seeing and witnessing that. It is not very often that adults shape shift! Continue reading Day 125: KILLER Results!
And before I left for yoga I put on a workout jacket that I have not worn in a long time and I didn’t feel any different!!! Are you KIDDING ME? Thursday cannot come quick enough. I was 100% on plan today. Big freaking deal. At least the struggle took a back seat to the rest of the shitshow that is my life right now. Continue reading Day 123: Thursday needs to GET HERE.
These stresses cause me to eat…or at least want to eat for no other reason that I can use food to dull out the stress and pain I am in and not think about it for some time. It really is true….when you are in the addiction action you really don’t think about anything. You are just numb. Your brain stops working…there are no thoughts in your head…you just check out. It is easier to check out than be mad and angry and sad and unhappy. Continue reading Day 122: 100% On-Plan
Most of the things I did last week did not get me to where I wanted to be the next day. My 30/10 check in on Thursday was good but it wasn’t. I was up 1.1 pounds. I had lost 1.1 pounds of fat and I was up in muscle but seeing that you are 1.1 pounds heavier is just so hard to take. It is so hard to break away from your weight number and focus on your fat numbers. Positive results are seeing the fat pounds go down and down and down and that is what is happening. Why can’t I be happy with that? Continue reading Days 115-122; ROUGH Week
Today was a somewhat difficult food day. It was 100% on plan but a difficult day none the less. 100% on plan days are the most difficult days because you have to confront the reasons behind the hunger and that just gets old and hard. I am having MAJOR cravings for chocolate (my aunt is visiting…I really hate her) and I was hungry most of the day today. I am hungry now just writing…I get is because I was writing about food. See…that is all it takes for your stomach to convince your brain that you need food. Continue reading Day 114: Soup and Sunshine
My thoughts about tomorrow have not changed…I am counting a victory if my fat is down and my weight is whatever it is going to be. I have to only be concerned with the fat and not the scale number. It is hard to do when society is focused on your weight and not really your health. But society be damned…I want to be healthy and fat free and that is all that matters. Continue reading Day 111: The 15th Day Before