Day 91: The Results are IN!

Holy shit today was a busy one…Olympia to Tacoma then Tacoma to Federal Way. Then Federal Way to Gig Harbor and back to Federal Way and the hone stretch finally back to Olympia! I JUST got back to the lake and it is 9:27 pm…I left here today at 8am. I got A LOT done in those 13 hours! Picked up my new work computer and got to strategize with my friend who is also a new work colleuge 🙂 (insert evit laugh here)…visit the beautiful Harbor…saw my 30/10 coach and my therapist…AND had an amazing conversation with an old friend who is thinking about embarking on her own weight releasing journey with 30/10! I know what you are wanting to know though…how did today go? Was I up? Down? Drumroll please….DOWN 3.3 pounds! WOOOHOO! Super excited with those results. It was not the best week but it was not the worst week! I met my goal of losing 3 pounds each week for the remainder of my first 15 weeks! This takes my total weight release to 38.8 pounds in 13 weeks!

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That is a big number. I still cannot really feel it in my clothes and day to day it is not noticeable. I am really becoming ok with the whole size/ration thing. This might change tomorrow but this is how I am feeling now: I don’t care what my “size” will be when this is all done. All I really care about is seeing a healthy weight on the scale…a weight that will not put my in the obese category or automatically signal to doctors diabetes or hypertension. If I am plus size after releasing 100 pounds then that is what size I am. I just really want to be healthier…to feel smaller…and to be not so consumed by food. I want to look and feel and be healthy. I think those things can happen outside of size 10.

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My dinner conversation with my friend was cathartic in so many ways. It is reaffirming to know that my struggle is her struggle and is many people struggle. When we open up and become honest with our feelings and thoughts to others we liberate our fears and anxieties. Just get it in the open..shed some light on it so others cam empathize and console and understand. You really are not alone in your thoughts, feelings, or emotions. We who struggle with weight share the struggle. It is plain and simple. The root cause could be different…we all have different experiences and histories that drive our addiction to food in some way of the other. And NO, it is not “just food”. It is anything but food; it is a distraction, a comfort, an ally, a friend, a barrier, a wall. Others turn to drugs or booze or porn or shopping or nail polish. We turn to food. Why? No clue…it was the closest thing to comfort when we needed it all those years ago and it has been a constant companion when the going gets tough. This companion, however loving and comforting we think it is, in reality is killing us. We would rather it kill us then deal with it because that is how powerful it is. Other addicts can remove themselves from its presence. You don’t have to have booze or drugs or porn or __________ in your house. You have to have food. Yes we choose what food comes in our house but most days it takes less energy and feeling and emotion to bring the healthy, non-lethal foods into our homes. And if it was as easy as that no one would be fat. You cannot escape food. It is everywhere in every facet of life.

It is HARD to realize that you might have to remove yourself from some social situations forever…you will have to be battling this every day of your life. This is a lonely fight- only you are in your head and if you are not accountable to yourself above all others you are doomed to fail. It is just depressing all around. But you are already depressed and unhappy because you can’t quite wrap your head around your situation. You have really tried everything but have “failed” at all attempts and the whole world knows it…you are FAT. But THIS is the power of addiction. It keeps you in this miserable cycle, keeps you isolated and “faking it until you make it”, keeps you smiling and gives you just enough energy to try the next big thing that promises to rid your body of that vile stuff. But its all a game. You addition will never let you out of this cycle of hope and despair….it wants you here…it needs you here to survive. It keeps you thinking that YOU are the problem…you are the idiot who cannot figure it out…you are the dumbass who eats too much too often! There is NOTHING you can do to get out…you are stuck in this life of misery and fatness forever. Or so it would have you believe. 

Like the Death Star- everything and everyone has a weak spot. And addictions weak spot is death. Death of the soul, death of the mind, death of hope and opportunity. I believe every addict gets here…deaths door. Maybe you are literally, physically dying. Your body is shutting down, it is not functioning as it should. Shit is just messing up at an alarming rate. Maybe death comes to your hopes and your dreams…you think “What can I do now? I have really done everything.” You think “What now?” and your response is silence. You have come to the end of that long dead end road you have been on and there is no where else to go. The addict can go one of two ways; death or recovery. But recovery is messy for some…it has ups and downs and peaks and valleys and relapse and more recovery. Where the recovery goes no one really knows…the end goal is the end of the behavior and usage. Some can just drop the mic and brush it off like it was nothing. Others take a lifetime. This is of course my working theory, but this is the only place where change can happen. You really do have to be ok with walking away from your old life, your old comforts, exposing yourself to painful experiences and exposures. You have to be willing to admit defeat and you have to own up to your smoke in mirrors game. You have to go public with your struggle and you have to exchange your shame for help and assistance. It takes every ounce of your being to make this change…to recover. And you really don’t know the depths of what your recovery will require until you are knee deep in this shit…into your recovery and you really discovery what recovery is all about and what it will truly require. You must come face to face with the root cause of your suffering and pain and need for protection and GET the answer to your question: WHY?  THAT is when recovery starts…when you realize the true work of recovery and commit to it. You muster the energy and capacity and put on your deep dive suit and keep asking questions until there are no more questions. There is only peace. 

Again- this is my working theory. But from where I stand now it is what I know for sure. Sound dramatic? It is. The most disturbing movie I have ever seen was about addiction, Requiem of a Dream. I will never recover from that movie. This shit is scary…terrifying…things of nightmares. Who wants to cut themselves open to really find out what is inside? I think most are ok with just guessing and making due with that guess. I am tired of guessing. I am still asking questions and still coming up with more questions. I have just broke the surface of this journey into my depths. But I am confident that I will get there and I will be satisfied with the answer. I am just not going to stop until there are no more questions. When I have that answer or answers my addiction will have finally met its match in me. We will be playing on equal terms for the first time and then I will know my addictions deepest darkest secret…its weak spot. I will relentlessly poke and prod and stab and attack that weak spot. I will expose it for the coward that it truly is, bring it into the light for everyone to behold. I would really enjoy a public execution like the middle ages but I know that this addiction will never die. Perhaps I could put it in the stocks and let it live out its days in the glorious sunshine and pouring rain…have the end of life it deserves…a slow painful dirty death picked and pulled apart by rats and crows. A cold miserable meaningless existence for my addiction as I ride away towards the sunset on a yacht…to Hawaii…with my friends and family by my side. Yeah…that sounds nice.

348CA

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3 thoughts on “Day 91: The Results are IN!

  1. Congratulations on the loss! And thank you for putting things into a different perspective. I learn so much from you. I enjoy your different spin on addiction and thought process.

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  2. I think this was one of the most powerful pieces you’ve written. Damn it’s good! What’s good about it is how you see that everyone has an addiction, some are just socially more acceptable I guess, than others. This was soooooo good to read. Thanks for this piece.

    One thing that kept coming up on my mind as I read this moving piece was that if you have ever studied the science behind addiction? How the brain changes? There are some resources from the national institute of health, aka NIH about it. Easy to read and will enlighten you about the chemistry behind it. It could depress you more knowing how we are just a bag of chemicals but it could some answers to your anguish. Of course, you don’t have to do anything but I thought it could help.

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    1. Thank you!!! I think everyone does have something and that is a GREAT point about socially acceptable addictions. That is so true. I have not studied the chemical science behind it but it sounds fascinating! I want to learn as much as I can about addiction…it’s the only way I am going to get to the bottom of mine!

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