Welp…tomorrow is the day…D-Day. I have my food…I have read and re-read ALL of the 30/10 materials…and I have packed up ALL my food and baking goods in my home for delivery to a friends house tomorrow morning. My fridge is empty minus some relish and Walden Farms salad dressings. My pantry is BARE. I mean empty. I have some canned chicken in water and some random on-plan condiments…and 6 completely empty shelves. As I was packing all that up I was surprised by a couple of things. I had a more items in my home that work on 30/10 than I though, which made me feel a bit better because I ate those foods in the past and enjoyed them. So the shock of it all might not be so bad? I was amazed/saddened/shocked at the amount of food I was just throwing away. Open bottles of salad dressing and marinades that were past its pull date…jars of olives and syrups and jams and spreads that looked questionable…fruit that was clearly past its prime…cans of Sanpelligrino and some weird apple drink from Ikea. I had SO much in my fridge that was just rotting…just sitting there taking up space. There were jars of things that I had used ONCE maybe a year ago and there is sat. Why the HELL was I keeping this stuff in my fridge? I must have tried it and did not like it…but why did I not throw it away? Or if I did like it why did I not use and enjoy the rest of it? So much waste!!! So much money and time and effort to purchase and try and store…for what? And all my fridge ever did was stress me out because every time I opened it there was this stuff…just sitting there collecting fridge dust. And then the kicker…I was giving away SO MUCH FOOD. I told my friend that she needed to make some serious space because I was bring her enough food for a month. I could hear her laughing over the text messages…but just wait until she see’s what is coming tomorrow. And most of this food was purchased months ago! It’s mostly packaged foods like pastas and canned goods…but why did I buy it? Were my pantry shelves lonely and asking for something to sit on them? Why did I buy all that food and not eat it? What the hell have I been eating if I have so much food to give away? But what I did notice is that I was not worrying or in a panic about packing up all this food…I really didn’t feel anything. I felt kinda stupid for spending all that money on food that I was never going to eat but I quickly made peace with that and kept on packing. It is the price I have to pay to get healthy. When it was all done and the kitchen was put back together I took a second to just look at everything. My fridge doors were open…my pantry doors were open…my baking cabinet doors were open and the food was PILED on my kitchen table. Seeing it all open and empty reminded me of when I moved into this place. I-meaning contractors- spent months remodeling before I moved in and I remember being really anxious, excited, and terrified to be moving into MY place…my first adult home. But I remember unpacking my kitchen and marveling at how clean and spacious the kitchen and my home was. It was so calming and stress free. It was not filled with junk or crap things I did like. It was just mine and I could make it feel and look how ever I wanted it to. I felt that same way last night…it was like a fresh start. I was moving back into my home…I was starting over in a place that was familiar and different all at the same time. Seeing those empty shelves did not make me feel sad or edgy or terrified about starting this new life. It just felt relief. I was finally cleaning out my kitchen. But really I was cleaning out my personal demons and my whole life. Moving forward, my shelves will only be filled with things that keep me healthy and do not create anxiety in my life. And my shelves will never be that full again.

I have SO much space now in my pantry that I will be moving my fancy China down to fill those spaces so that when I open those doors I will see my beautiful Lomonosov Cobalt Net Russian Porcelain that was gifted to my husband and I on our wedding day…the same pattern that we searched for in Ketchikan and Jueanu and Sitka on our honeymoon. I will look at those plates and think of the adventures we had finding those plates and cups and fruit bowls…my mom’s squeals of joy at finding rare pieces, the look on my husband and dad face when they realized that they had to carry these massive, heavy boxes all the way back to the boat without breaking a single piece…my moms face when she realized that these boxes were staying on board for the duration of their trip while the hubs and I got on a plane and flew home. Do I know how to shop or what! FREE SHIPPING!  I will think of the beautiful tables I will set with them and the memories we will make dining on them. It will bring me great joy to dine with those plates often because now they are accessible and not buried in the upstairs closet. I will admire the craftsmanship that went into creating those plates. But most amazing of part of all of this is that there will be a day of pure peace knowing that those plates will bring me joy with or without food on them.