So when I weighed in last Thursday I weighed EXACTLY the same…to the tenth of a pound the same. I had not been 100% on plan that week but I was thinking I would make SOME downward movement. Not being up was a BIG bonus but not a single 10th down? I did lose .2 pounds of fat and gained jut enough muscle to keep me on the even. My coach asked me if I could be 100% on plan this week…NO CHEATS. My answer was no. Could I have been 100% on plan? Sure. Would it have made my life a living hell for 7 days? Yes. The freaking holidays are so hard. So many parties and gatherings and festive foods and drinks that you seriously only get once a year. Some of those things make the holidays…it would not be the same without them. So no…I could not be 100% on plan this week and I will not be 100% on plan until a few days after 2016. Between now and January 3rd we will be traveling to Oregon for the weekend TWICE (once for New Years), attending the Gig Harbor Lighted Boat Parade, attending a staff party, watching 4 Seahawks games, celebrating my sisters birth AGAIN, and welcoming Christmas Eve TWICE. So no…I can’t be 100% on plan. F-U December. I love you and so hate you this year. What I can commit to is being on-plan ALL those other days- VICTORY! What that will equate to is me maintaining my current weight and that is NOT the goal or ambition of 30/10. They want me loosing 3 or more pounds a week and if that is not going to happen they don’t want me doing the program. So my coach has paused my program again. I was kinda upset about it at first but I have softened into acceptance. As long as I am not finding those pounds again I am living my life in balance and that means long term success for me.
I have learned that if I indulge while on plan I do not lose weight. One meal or one drink will stop my progress in its tracks and back me up to where I was before. Its frustrating with Grady doing it because when he does indulge and that is really almost never he still has a 6 pound weight loss that week. That should go against the laws of nature. As I was plotting Grady’s death David pointed out to me that guys are just scientifically different. They do actually fart out pounds…women just can’t compete with that because ladies do not break wind. Interesting fact David. They are also just programed differently to think about things. Guys see things as very black and white and 30/10 is ALL BLACK. This is what you do…you follow it…no problems. Women judge and weight and break down and think about every fucking thing until you end up eating that piece of fudge. Madness. They also break down and rid their bodies of fat differently. Another awesome reason I kinda wish I was born male. In session this week David and I talked about the relapse spectrum. Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. It can also take about 5 seconds depending on the situation. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. These things compound throughout the month/week/day/second until I just snap and eating something is the only thing that will take me out of the downward spiral of despair/discomfort/pain that I am in. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Make sense? Sounds so easy! Where addiction fits into this is in the thinking part. It DISRUPTS your ability to think rationally about your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions and tells you to drink the fucking Mocha because it is the answer to all your prayers. It has taken me some time to really absorb this. If FRUSTRATES me that this is what it has come down to. But if I didn’t have a problem I could just say no…I am not eating that…its just food…and I would not be where I am today. I have to start pausing and thinking about all of my triggers, those behaviors, thoughts and emotions that lead to relapse and dealing with them in the moment. As David says…the small things add up to relapse. So yeah…I have a problem and its called addiction. I think all people (yeah I said ALL) have this on some level with some “thing”. At their level it does not aversely impact their health to the point of death and their level of addiction action is not the same as mine. So I want to get to a point where I can enjoy all foods again in a way that is free from behavioral and emotional triggers. I want to eat a hamburger because it sounds good, not because my addicted brain is demanding that I do.
So what behaviors, thoughts, and emotions trigger an eventual relapse if they go unchecked? Mind you- these things will not all be RATIONAL. Addiction is completely irrational…it is insane on the surface which is why so many have a hard time understanding. New flash- it does NOT have to make sense from the outside. The addiction does not care about others…it only cares and jacks with you. Which for the addict makes it doubly infuriating because after the relapse you know you are crazy but you cannot stop yourself. Your brain leaves your skull and is replaced by pizza for about 20 minutes. Behaviors: When someone is a total moron, when someone inflicts pain on others, when someone thinks or acts illogically, when someone is disrespectful, when someone only things or looks from a singular perspective…Thoughts: “I am SO done with 30/10” “How much longer do I have to do this?” “Why am I the only one who has to do this?” “Why can’t this person not see or understand this?” “This is POINTLESS” “This makes no sense and no one can seem to help me make sense of this” “WHY did Bevel call that play? WHY? Is he watching the same shitshow of a football game that I am?!?!” Emotions: I am not valued, I am not respected, people think I am a moron, other perspectives are not being heard, hurt, not loved, not #1, bullied, unintelligent, weak, stupid, unfriendly and cold, distant. All of these things can contribute to a relapse is my addicted mind. They are the “ticks” on Davids relapse spectrum graphic. And every day I battle these in some way or another. I still feel undervalued and disrespected at work, I feel distant in my relationship from Grady, the holidays are here and he is not, understanding that people in my circle are suffering in their own battles that you want to help them solve knowing that it is not your battle, feeling helpless to cause positive change in your personal life or your community, the unimaginable suffering of millions of people around the world at the hands of terrorists, fucktard politicians wanting to create a nation I want NO part of, people on Facebook who want to shun every opinion or idea you have because it is against yours, the lack of conversation and communication in society today. It’s a lot. And it all plays into my addiction. Battles everywhere…no break in the action in sight.
So what can I do to draw me out of relapse and place me on the side of recovery? Behaviors: I can remove myself from situations where my emotions and thoughts get the best of me. I can go to yoga, I can go to the library or the book store (I LOVE to read), I can call a friend, I can just show up at a friends house, I can go into work, I can leave work and go home, I can go to a park, I can go to the lake and kayak, I can go to the gym, I can blog, I can journal, I can scrapbook on the computer, I can organize my pictures. I can email my representative and tell them how I feel. I can email the Presidential candidates and tell them what fucktards they are, write thank you cards. I can write and email to people at work and tell them what I REALLY think without sending it. Thoughts: “You are NOT the only one doing this; mom,Grady and countless others ARE doing this. Remember all of the people who continue to reach out to you because they are struggling too? Engage rational brain here…” “You are saving yourself from yourself” “You will not die of weight. You will die peacefully when you are ready” “I am not done with 30/10. I have 60 more pounds to lose” “30/10 is THE program for you. All other programs have failed” “You are doing really great. Your shoes fit SO much better now…your foot far no longer bulges of of those Softt pumps!” “You are making a choice to do this, you are not being deprived of ANYTHING”. “You can eat whatever you want.” “You cannot move forward without doing this” Feelings: Evoke the thoughts of people who love me, evoke the thoughts of what brings me happiness and joy, think of things that I am grateful for, remember why I started teaching in the first place and make that my only priority, Find reasons to respect myself and think of people I respect; reflect on why I respect them. Think of instances when I am desired and respected.
Somedays in the classroom (I have only worked with alternative kids…and yes some of them are as bas as what you are thinking) I would praise their ability to get to school that day. Just showing up was a huge victory and I acknowledged that. I saw their struggle and recognized what they were doing to live with it and even overcome it. Somedays I need to give myself that same acknowledgement and praise…give myself permission to celebrate the fact that I am here today. I got out of bed and I will attempt to fight this fight. Somedays we all need a pat on the back for just showing up to that day. I think on those really down days and moments, I just have to stop and celebrate my victories to date and the fact that I have made enough changes to know that I am not going back. I showed up. I am present and I am trying. I might not fully understand how I will move forward but at least I know it will never be back.
My December game plan: Meet every Thursday with my coach and weigh in. I will not be taking food but will remain committed to maintaining my current weight and striving to releasing more weight. I will stay as on-plan as I can and continue to make decisions about what foods will make the holidays and what foods will break it. I am committed to only indulging in those foods that make it 🙂 I will reach out to friends more this month and focus on things that I can do to prevent relapse. I will look inward to figure out why I turned to food in the first place. I will start to plan my future thinking only of my feelings and desires, NOT my wants. I will make myself a relapse progression chart so I can recognize when my behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are taking me towards relapse and always keep at the ready what I can do to push me towards recovery. I will enjoy the time that I have with Grady this season and continue to be honest with him about how I feel. I will ask Santa for books, Spode Gilded Christmas Tree plates, some new clothes, and a new truck payment that is under $400. This is my December plan.
4 thoughts on “Days 137-141: An Old Plan”
You are so sensible in this battle that is not at all rational at times! I admire you for continuing. I hope you have a great Christmas season and enjoy it to the max!
Thanks Nancy! It will be a great Christmas 🙂 You too!!!
Go April! The fact that you could joke about it all tells me you are still succeeding. You’re not like look feel bad for me. None of that victim mentality is evident. Enjoy the holidays and keep writing.
Thanks B! I’m just trying to figure all of this out!