It was bad today. I knew it would be. I have been in full on relapse and basically eating what ever I wanted to. When I stepped on the scale this morning at 30/10 I was up 4.1 pounds. The results were mixed. I had gained 3 pounds of muscle and 0.6 pounds of fat. So in the eyes of 30/10 not the worst of weeks…I have actually had worse. And I know muscle weights more than fat and I know muscle burns more fat…yeah yeah yeah. I have 108 pounds of muscle now…when is THAT going to kick and and start burning that fat for me? The real reality came in my meeting with David.
So I am an addict and relapse is apart of addiction. I take pride in always being “in control” of my life and with addiction you really have to admit that you are not in control of it. You are powerless over your addiction and acknowledging that powerlessness is apart of the recovery process. I think what has been the hardest thing this week is once again realizing that I have a serious issue with food. Its not just a little issue…it is a big issue and it does control my life sometimes. I am an addict. I hate saying that out loud or hearing that from David. That is SO hard to admit…that I have no control over this. As David pointed out today, we really do not have control over anything in our lives. We can control our actions and our throughs and we do things in hopes that those actions will have the outcome that we desire but really we control nothing. For someone who has operated basically their whole lives thinking and believe that they have been the master of their universe-that is a difficult pill to swallow. No one wants to feel powerless and to get over this hump, this relapse, I have to admit that and it sucks.
To get out of this relapse David has asked that I let it go. Let go of all of the guilt and shame and negative thoughts surrounding my eating this past week. My addiction does not define me, it is this separate thing that has nothing to do with me, the person. I am not my addiction. I have accomplished some pretty awesome things in my life so far and it is time to focus on that and not dwell in the past. If I continue to dwell on this week and not use my oh so smart brain to problem solve this I will remain in relapse forever. It is a cycle- when stressed or upset you turn to your addiction to feel better and WHOA it makes you feel better…for a short time. Then you use and afterwords feel so horrible and guilty for using that your self-esteem takes a shit dive. What do you do when you are not feeling good about yourself? You USE! It’s just am amazing cycle of despair and desire. So I have to let this week go. I have to take things one hour at a time, one day at a time. And when the cravings and thoughts and feelings come acknowledge them, talk to them and tell them not today. Or not this minute. Or not this hour. He also suggested that when I am really pissed just scream it out. I have to give my rational brain a few seconds to overpower my irrational addiction brain to intervene. And once again- remind myself that I am not my addiction. I am not DEFINED by my addiction.
So tomorrow is a new week. I have all of my on-plan food ready to go. I have a contingency plan when things get rough. I have a list of things that I am going to do when it gets hard. I am going wine tasting Saturday with my family and I have a plan for that. I have already looked at the menu and know what I am ordering so I can stay on-plan. I am not going to use my situation as an ally for my addiction this week. It is not going to happen. I am taking this one hour at a time.