Days 19 & 20: Why ME?

This was the question I found myself asking these past few days. Why ME? WHY do I have to do such a restrictive program to release my weight? WHY do I feel like I am the only one struggling with this? WHY does this food have to bore me so much? WHY can’t I have just one ____________? These words sound VERY familiar…I have said them MANY times before along this weight journey of mine. It’s what I start to say right about at this mark…3 week. And what I learned today that it is apart of relapse. Relapse is NOT a single event…what we think relapse is actually just the end game. It’s the back-on-the-wagon behavior that signals you have officially fallen off the wagon. But what I learned today is that relapse is a process with many steps. The end result of relapse is the continuation of the behavior you are trying to avoid. But relapse is a long, drawn out, ugly process that involves emotions, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. It is the addiction trying to break the recovery and hold shit does it do a great job at that.

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The first step of relapse is the acknowledgement that everything is ok. Sounds weird…I know. I think I gave David a look of “what the hell are you talking about” today when he said that. “She is really stressed but she is not eating.” “Things are really tough right now but he is not drinking”. BULLSHIT. They are REALLY stressed and all they want to do is ________________. By not acknowledging the struggle and pain we are once again masking behavior and thoughts that got us in trouble in the first place. STRESS IS NOT OK! It is the first step of relapse. It moves on to negative self talk, feelings of anger and deprivation, of “why no me-ing”. Holy shit…this is where I am at. How do you get yourself back on the road to recovery? You STOP (hammer time) and think about what is happening with your rational, thinking brain.

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So…lets to this together. My question: WHY ME? Irrational brain: Because you are not smart enough to figure this out…everyone else has. Because you are afraid of becoming a different person if you lose a bunch of weight…Because there is something wrong with you and the doctors just have not figured it out yet. RATIONAL BRAIN: EVERYONE struggles with weight or has in the past or will in the future. 2/3rds of Americans are OBESE yet o know really wants to admit it. Why? Because our food supply is making us that way. And those companies know that your fatness is money in their pockets. They will market and spin the shit out of anything if you will buy it. And they WANT you to be sick. Big food owns Big Parm…they own the drug companies and the hospitals and the health insurance companies. Why would they want you healthy when they can take basically ALL your money? Why me? Because you are not THEM. You do not KNOW their struggles. You do not KNOW how or why they look the way they do. Do you really care? Why are you so worried about other people? Is this how you want to be spending your brain energy on? Other people? Because I am a bigger person! My bones, organs and muscle weights 150 POUNDS. ‘ only 30 more pounds than I weighed in HIGH SCHOOL and you thought you were a fat pig then! Why me? Because I have to. Why me? Because I want to buy Hunter Boots and wear all the super cute Zella workout clothes that they make for average sized people. Because I want to buy clothes AT Nordstroms and not always at Nordstroms online. Why me? Because I want to have a SHOT at a normal pregnancy…or not be exhausted chasing kids around. Why me? Because I am tired of doctors looking at me with surprise every time my blood work comes back negative for diabetes/HBP/high cholesterol. Plain and simple. I have to.

I am SO thankful I am seeing a therapist. He is helping me understand the WHY in all this. Why I say the things that I say to myself, why I do the things I do, why I act the way I act. He is also helping me understand the power of addiction…the truly devastating effects of addiction…and the methods to make my addiction not so powerful or loud or life-wrecking. He also helps me understand that I am more normal than I realize and that I am smart enough to understand it and fight back against it. He is a great teacher and I can appreciate great teaching. We all need great teachers in our lives. We all encounter things every day that are new to us…an d we don’t always have time for trial and error.

I was down 3.1 pounds today. That takes my total weight loss to 19.2 pounds. My goal for today was to be down 17 pounds. I have EXCEEDED my goal! FUCK YEAH! My reward will be floating in the Columbia River this weekend! My goal is to have released 25 pounds by the 25th of June…25 by 25! I picked up some on-plan chips for this weekend so I will not fee deprived if those are on the menu…I also have all my food packed and ready to go. I am committed to staying on plan this weekend. We are also stopping for dinner on the way out and I am already TASTING the on-plan hamburger I am going to enjoy!

As Russel Wilson always says, “Why NOT me? Why not US?” GO HAWKS!

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