Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

It has been 19 days since my last post. That is a LONG time. A lot has happened in those 19 days; I moved out of my house and back to the lake, I had 2 weight in with 30/10, meet with David 3 times, spent some quality time with friends and family, and did A LOT of eating. My mental health is returning to normal. My eating habits…not so much. 30/10 has really changed how I eat and allowed to be really pay attention to how my body reacts to the food that I do eat…since not following 30/10 program I feel like total garbage. When I am not eating on plan I feel terrible; I feel like I am constantly carrying around a bowling ball in my gut, I don’t sleep well, I am lethargic and unmotivated some days…I can feel the fat creeping back on my bones in places that it had once vacated. I feel like shit. I was eating things that I would have never eaten before 30/10 even. Candy bars and quick freezer meals…fast food and slow fast food. We ate out a ton. Sometimes I would make the best food choice and other times not so much. I had given myself permission to not care thinking that would make everything better…that it would make that time in life easier. Shocker here- that did not work. All it did was make me feel like physical and mental garbage.

I have not been to yoga in two weeks because of the move and life. I have only been walking one day since “arriving” even though some days the weather has been perfect fall walking weather. I have been re-focusing on work and getting a ton done which has helped my mental state greatly. I have realized fully and completely now that food was my cover. My grandma wants this to not be the case SO badly…she does not want me to have this awful terrible thing called an addiction. She is so sweet and cares so deeply and I am just too perfect to have something really wrong in my brain. Every time I see her we catch up on my progress and she wants to know how it is all going. Just last weekend she insisted that addiction was NOT the issue…I was just lacking some will power…I was just eating too much. “Try drinking a big glass of water before your meal!” Oh Grams…I used it as an excuse for everything. Work is ridiculously busy? You don’t have time to COOK! Just get something “healthy” and fast! I want to punch someone in the face? Lets to go Happy Hour and bitch about that person while consuming food that will kill us! At my last session with David he asked me if I was back on plan. I told him no and he asked me why? Well…I have no home, I am living in my car, I have no schedule…his response was “What does any of that have to do with being on plan?” EVERYTHING DAVID! DUH! Could I access a microwave? Could I go to the store and buy frozen veggies I could steam in the bag and pre-made salads that I could put the 30/10 food into? Could I have ordered on plan meals while out? Yes to all of those. Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever.

So a few weeks ago I was tired of life and tired of the plan. Now I am tired of not being on plan. I am back to being tired of being tired. I SO want this to be over and the weight to be gone. My brain hurts just thinking about getting back on plan. I really DO want to do it but I so don’t. Its that feeling of knowing that you have to do something but procrastinating until the very last minute to do it. I have two more “break weeks” where I am not taking food but that is too long to wait. As David brought to my attention- there is no reason I cant be on plan now. I do have enough 30/10 food to last the zombie apocalypse so yesterday when I stopped in at home I picked up it all and brought it to the lake. I have been 100% on plan today, I am making us a delicious on plan dinner tonight of garlic herbed pork tenderloin, cauliflower “mashed potatoes” and steamed broccoli  (see recipe below) and I will be on plan tomorrow (even though it is going to be one of those crazy ridiculous days.) My goal for Thursday is to be down 3 pounds. It is time to get back on plan. I have no more excuses or reasons to not be on plan. I have all the tools I need to get it done. I have had my break and now understand how my body feels when I fall back into my addiction. My body is telling me enough is enough…it wants the on-plan April back. I think I need to hand deliver that message to my addition…it does not seem to be receiving it!

Garlic Herb Crusted Pork Tenderloin

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped (about 1 tablespoon)

1 teaspoon sea salt

1 tablespoon fresh sage, finely chopped

1/4 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

1 tablespoon fresh rosemary, finely chopped

2 tablespoon olive oil, divided

1 teaspoon fresh thyme, chopped

1 pork tenderloin

Stir together garlic, sage, rosemary, thyme, salt, pepper, and 1 tablespoon olive oil in a small bowl. Rub mixture all over pork. Let marinate 30 minutes to 2 hours. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Heat a large, heavy, and oven proof sauté pan over medium-high heat. Add olive oil. Add pork, and brown on each side (about 4 minutes on each side). Transfer pan to oven. Roast pork turning occasionally until a thermometer inserted into thickest part registers 145 degrees to 150 degrees, about 20 minutes. Transfer pork to a cutting board; tent with foil, and let rest 10 minutes before slicing.

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6 thoughts on “Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

  1. There is a saying in AA that I like VERY much. I suspect you will relate. The man takes a drink and the drink takes the man! Regardless of the face it chooses, addiction is addiction. It is cunning, baffling and powerful. The tough, no TORTUROUS, part is realizing/believing/accepting that IT is bigger than us and then eliminating the “addict behaviors”. A new freedom arrives with new behaviors, as you have experienced, and want back. It is worth fighting for, letting go of, grieving for, crying over and just being damn sick and tired of sick and tired. IT IS WORTH it and a LOT of us are in your court and rooting you on. Doesn’t make it any easier but it feels good to know, I think. There are also a lot of us that have walked this path and can guarantee you that it gets BETTER.

    Your a tough lot and I BELIEVE in you. YOU are BIGGER and BETTER than your addiction. I deeply admire what you have done and are doing. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Trust me on this one.

    GO APRIL GO…..

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    1. Yes Mary I can totally relate now! I am shocked at physically bad I feel eating off plan. It is such a cycle that is so hard to break out of or even slow down. I am in wonder of all of the people who have stopped or broken the cycle. Pushing out a baby BETTER be easier than this because I can’t think of much harder. Thank you for your words 🙂 They provide me with hope.

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  2. So glad to see a post from you today! I was honestly getting nervous. Planned on texting this afternoon if there was still nothing. So freaking proud of you. All you can do is the next right thing, not one day or one week at a time, simply the next thing in front of you. Get after it girl!!

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