Days 80, 81: SO OVER THIS!

I am OFFICIALLY so over all of this. I am tired of food…I am tired of thinking about food…I am tired of doing 30/10…I am just so done done done done done. The past two days have been great days minus the struggle part. Today I got to work with a very talented young teacher and help her develop her upcoming years curriculum…I took a deep dive into The Martian- an AWESOME book about Mars survival…I swam and relaxed and went walking…but holy shit I am OVER anything that has to do with food or this struggle.

Today and yesterday I did not eat on plan, I did not test the limits of my will power, I did not say “no” as often as I should, I did NOT feel like cooking PERIOD, I did NOT track…I am DONE! I don’t know how many times I can say this. I just want to be done. Can the remaining 65 please vacate the premisses tomorrow please? I have released 35 pounds and I just cant seem to be happy about that. I am feeling fat and bloated. I feel like my clothes are tight again. My fat rolls are getting extra fatty. I caught a glimpse of a body part in the mirror yesterday and was disappointed at the fact that it looks EXACTLY the same as it did before I started all this!  I ordered a new Seahawks zip up sweatshirt jacket thing in an XXL and it does NOT fit. I can zip it up but its one of those items you would NEVER wear in public. Do I keep in of hopes of fitting into by the time the Hawks play in the Suerbowl? Do I send it back with an angry note about making clothes that FUCKING FIT people and not only the Seagals? FML dude…FML!

Oh shitballs…I do not know where I will muster the energy from to get back on track. Before when I have abandoned/given up/walked away/reduced my latest and greatest fat loss endeavor I did not feel so DONE as I do now. The fight or flight response was not strong…I just kinda checked out of what ever I was doing. Maybe I am just tired…we all get tired of life. We all take some time to crawl into a dark cave and sleep it off…right? Maybe these have just been bad days. Maybe my Aunt is about to visit. Maybe this is the reaction the human body goes through with such massive change. With school starting again soon and life really getting busy again I am worried about my ability to fight through the “I am too busy to make lunch” or “I <need> a coffee before my next meeting” mentality. I DESPERATELY need Thursday…tomorrow needs to be Thursday.  I need to see David and I need to check in with my coach. This really, honestly, TRULY is NOT going to be a good week. I am going to be up. I need some new strategies for pulling me out of DONENESS and getting back on track. Or I need a nice long nap…a 65 pound one.

Tomorrow I am 100% on plan. 100% PERFECT. I either eat on plan or I just don’t eat at all. I have another appointment with a teacher-in-training tomorrow night and she is getting CHICKEN, SALAD, and ROASTED PEPPERS for dinner! Bizzo better like it…she is NOT going to like to see all that goes into planning a single lesson.

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