Days 146, 147: Fat, Happy, and HUNGRY!

But at the party last night I enjoyed a regular meal (I did have seconds of the potatoes and jello salad and if you would have tasted them you would know why), I had two glasses of wine, and one small sugar cookie and 3 pieces of chocolate. Pretty normal for any human. While moms food was DELICIOUS, I remember the conversations and playing with the kids and showing off the truck more than the food and THAT is a monumental change that I can be thankful for. My weight might not be releasing at the rate that I want it to and I have to take another pause of my program…but things are different and those differences outweigh any questions that I may have about myself or that others have of me. Continue reading Days 146, 147: Fat, Happy, and HUNGRY!

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Days 144, 145:Coming to Grips

So the continued lesson of this adventure: sometimes food is an OK tool to use to feel normal. When its checked and public and reasonable it’s ok. Sometimes it is needed to help the healing and anger and the hurt and the confusion and the return to normalcy. Continue reading Days 144, 145:Coming to Grips

Day 143: The Day Before

It has been a year of adjusting and a year of things that made me uncomfortable and sad and anxious and nervous. That is not who I naturally am…the year seemed to be against who I was. That is fitting since in many ways I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I really have changed. Maybe it back to the whole mourning thing…that seems to be cycling in my life every month or so. Things get going on a right path and I seem to be pushed off of that path. Maybe it’s a growth pattern…Growth can be uncomfortable I guess. I am tired of being uncomfortable.I am tired of feeling like I am constantly in mourning. I am ready for the familiar and cozy. Continue reading Day 143: The Day Before

Days 137-141: An Old Plan

Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Continue reading Days 137-141: An Old Plan

36 Days

It has been 36 days since I have written about my struggle. There are a lot of reason for this; I was moving back into my house, I was struggling to stay on plan, I was not feeling good about many aspects of my life, I was busy, I was tired…the list is endless but really the only reason that counts is that I was relapsing. Why the hell would acknowledge to the world that I had jumped back on that highway of food and did not plan on taking the next exit anytime soon? I was tired of fighting every element of my life and I was tired of being not happy so I just kinda existed for 36 days. Continue reading 36 Days