It has been 5 days of rollercoaster riding and I feel sick. Last Thursday I had a great releasing of weight and spent some quality time with friends…the weekend came and we got to spend it with close friends doing nothing but relaxing. But Monday came and I felt not so good and was UP on the scale (like 5 pounds up) and find myself struggling today. Tonight we are going out to dinner with Gradys parents, Wednesday I am back in the Weezy for my session with David, Thursday I have to actually WORK and miss my regular 30/10 time, weighing in that afternoon instead of the morning, then Friday is a birthday celebration for my dad and then a weekend with the cousins at the Hood. Lots of things…lots of food situations…lots of off schedule life happening and that makes me feel not so good about anything.

This past weekend was awesome. Time to catch up with friends and problem solve into the future. But I was not so good with the food or booze. I didn’t have to drink and looking back wish I hadn’t. That need to feel normal is so strong even when the old normal is no longer. These friends welcomed a baby a few months back so their old normal is non-existant. What we used to do together just does not happen any more. It has been replaced by different activities that are equally fun and enjoyable.  Getting shit faced is the old normal, not the new normal. I don’t miss getting shit faced…every time I have more than a few drinks I wake up the next day with swollen hands and feet and gut rot…I just feel nasty. Totally not worth it and that is just going to be a lesson I have to stick to. During football games I think one or two beers would be enough and that might not be worth it. I didn’t overeat but I ate almost nothing on plan. On Saturday morning I had a bowl of Captain Chunch with Berries…an old staple of the summer months. I noticed two things right away. It was almost weightless…like I was eating nothing and it was SWEET. After eating a bowl it felt like I had not eaten anything and my stomach was already churning from all that sugar at one time. I can eat a small ass bowl of 30/10 cereal and feel like I have eaten something. I am not full but I am not hungry any longer. Captain Crunch…your golden aura is no longer glowing. We had smores…we drank some drinky poos, we had hamburgers with “cheese” (Kraft Singles are no cheese but they are SO delicious on a hamburger), we had chips and some snacks during the game…it was an off plan food weekend to be sure. And the really sad part is that my friends are 100% behind my struggle. They would do ANYTHING I needed or asked. They would have suffered through roasted jimica sticks and never said a word. It was all me. It was just me throwing me off. I came into a room with a drink and one friend said “Oh..so you are drinking this weekend? Just checking!” They all know about what I am doing and they are ALL 100% on board. No questions asked. I am the one throwing this off. And that makes it all the worst feeling ever. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just pull my shit together and do this? Every fucking time I feel like I have moved forward or on from where I was I get bitch slapped back into my place. I think this is the point in the relationship that I walk out. OHHHHHHHH but here’s the thing. If I leave this relationship (struggle) now I will end up in worse place then where I started. So I continue to stay in this abusive relationship, getting slapped a few times a week? I guess so…that is my only option at the moment.

So it is once again a rollercoaster ride. Gone are the days of “This might be a great new normal!” I have no fucking clue what is going on at the moment. I am emotionally upset at life and all that is changing in it. My body is fighting this new weight with all it has. My face looks like something similar to what killed the dinosaurs. I have now missed TWO periods (not pregnant just my body saying “What the fuck are you doing?”) Work is starting soon and there are a MILLION unanswered questions. No decision has been made yet about Grady’s future. And I was WAY UP on the scale from last weekend. FML. So YEAH I am down 38 pounds. I feel no joy in that at the moment. Freaking iceburg dead ahead.

I see David tomorrow THANKFULLY. I need his help in figuring this all out. I just want to crawl into hibernation at the moment. I am exhausted and I haven’t done shit. A friend sent me this a few days ago and I am clinging to it.

Do what you have to do until you get to do what ever the hell you want to do. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I want to be healthy. I can pass on the fit until I am healthy. So…I keep being upset and keep messing up and slipping up and keep thinking about why I am doing those things and keep writing about it and keep on trying. I am also going to learn about maintenance this week with my 30/10 coach. Hopefully that will at least give me some information so I can make ONE decision this week. Im worried about pausing…pausing makes you lose momentum and I can’t afford that. I have to keep going. But I feel like I am about to crack. And I know it’s really not about food…its about other things. I really wish those others things would make themselves known so I can deal with them and move on.