I have learned SO much today! My brain is bursting with all these new thoughts and ideas and wonderings and discoveries and worries. I am also FILLED with so much GRATITUDE for the people in my life who are helping me solve this jigsaw puzzle of weight issues. At times it is daunting because just when I think I have figured something out a new question or new observation arrises and it feels like I am not getting very far. I am already feeling a bit exhausted…but that is only a sign that work is being done…progress is being made. You don’t get tired sitting on the couch all day watching your stories- that is called boredom. I am working and I can feel it. It feels like something familiar- the feeling of hard work. I am putting the pieces together and a rough outline of this puzzle is taking shape…the corners are becoming clear and the shear size of it is also coming into focus. Sometimes it feels like you think and talk about your struggles the more “messed up” you feel. Its like and bad “ah-ha” moment when you realize that you are JACKED UP in the head. Maybe this is where I have given up before? I have been too busy with work and life and being a new wife and a teacher and the thought of doing more hard work on top of the already hard work is just too much. Why this time around I feel like I have time is still a mystery. Maybe I have a good reason to do this work…to put in the time and effort? Maybe I was never as busy as I though and was using that as an excuse for NOT dealing with my weight? And that leads me back to why…why do I not want to deal with my weight? I will be posing that question to my counselor tomorrow…and he BETTER have an answer. 🙂 But as a friend helped me understand tonight…I am not as JACKED as I think because I have people in my life that are happy and excited to help and if I was really crazy I would be locked up somewhere and a problem for the state to deal with. I am not crazy; I am understanding myself in a new and different light and that is ok…that is supposed to happen. Change is hard and we all struggle with change but when we know the change must be made for the betterment of our relationships or our health or our happiness. The change is hard-it’s supposed to be- but easy at the same time because the reward is so great. My dad was watching some Alaska show on Discovery channel a few weeks ago and sent me this quote. He did not know at the time I was trying to make a decision about my fate. Here is what my dad sent me…”Change comes when the pain of remaining the same is too much to bare…quote from crazy lady on “Life Below Zero…maybe not so crazy!” Yes dad…maybe not so crazy.
On a sad note…here is me with my last Margarita until ALL my weight has been released. It’s a sad SaD SAD day for the makers of margarita mix and tequila…they will miss my patronage. Our waiter asked us when we would be back and I told him 9 months…I was taking my weight off and that was a BAD place to keep my eyes on the prize. He told me he would be sad and would miss us. That is a BAD sign…if Jesus knows me enough to miss me we have been spending WAY to much time at Puerto Vallarta…Speaking of SO MUCH! Thats a Grande Margarita…Mango to be exact…blended. Bet you will go to Mexican tonight…order one for me and toast my good choices from here on out!
4 thoughts on “SO MUCH!!!”
You are a great writer!!! I love that you are sharing your thoughts, and being public. I have a hunch that this is going to be a new platform in your life, to inspire others. Cheer to wellness!!!
Thanks Jules!!! It has been really fun! And it has been a good process for me to think through things and verbalized my thinking. I am keeping a private journal too but am finding that it is just a tool to refine! And I am tying not to make this hard. I just write what is on my mind and don’t over-think anything! I am writing what I am truly discovering in my own language!
Nicely written, Dolly. And as for that “last” Margarita, remember that NOTHING tastes as good as being healthy feels! (That is a paraphrase from Oprah!) 🙂
AMEN! And it not my LAST margarita…its the last one for now! 🙂