Holding On

Hello! My name is April and I have a not-so-healthy- relationship with food. I am also a kick ass teacher at a 100% online K-12 public school…I started my own educational consulting company in the Seattle area…I work with new, novice, and struggling teachers to help them refine and improve their craft (YES teaching IS a CRAFT and its hard as shit)…I take some killer pictures of sunsets…I am a sister and a wife…and I love to kayak and practice yoga. I also really like “me”…I am smart and funny and outgoing…I love fashion and looking good…I like traveling and 5k’s and putt-putt golf…but for some reason I am holding onto this weight. And I can say that because I have tried EVERYTHING to take this weight off. So as you can clearly see food is not my life (I am also sarcastic but I am sure you have already picked up on that). But it is…in the weirdest sort of way. I tell myself all the time “Its JUST food!!! Why are you freaking out about food???” But I do and I do it all the time. If you asked to me attend the State Fair with you I would NOT instantly think of all the fun things we would see and the rides I would get sick on…I would think of Krusty Pups (PNW peeps you KNOW what I am talking about). My WHOLE FREAKING day is filled with thoughts of food. What I am going to eat or when I will be eating or how sick I feel because I ate too much or how I am SO hungry I am HANGRY (hungry and angry at the same time) and want to punch walls. Granted there are moments when I am teaching and 100% focused on my kids or working one-on-one with a teacher to plan a lesson or trying SUPER hard to not move a muscle in Savassana…but then my brain will move to food in some way or another when those activities have ended and I am alone in my car driving home. Just TRY telling me we dont have time for breakfast…or Starbucks…I DARE YOU!

I have tried EVERYTHING. I have been a Weight Watcher for 5 years…I have done the juice thing, the Paleo thing, the vegetarian thing, Atkins,90 minutes a day at the gym followed by 30 minutes of sauna thing. And I have stayed at my current weight +/- 30 pounds for 15 years. Surgury is not an option for me. I know that LapBand could take the weight off but my food issues are in my head. I put all my weight on in college…all 7 years of undergrad. That glorious GLORIOUS time if my life where I made best friends and discovered my passion for learning. I also discovered late night snack runs after cramming for finals and booze…so yeah…college.

I/we (family/husband/friends) also do not eat like garbage. Yes we dine out and yes we drink a few too many but that is not the norm. We even have organic fresh produce delivered to our house once a week and 95% of it gets eaten. My fridge and pantry is filled with good wholesome food. When friends come over and have the munchies they claim their is nothing to eat in our house…”Don’t you have anything GOOD…like something without nuts?” We don’t dine out a ton…I can’t eat 90% of the things on the menu because of my Celiac. This is not a “stop going to McDonalds” thing. It is also not a get off your ass thing. I do 60 minutes of hot yoga 3-4 times a week. I walk 5K’s all the time. I get in my 10,000 steps a day. I enjoy the gym on those rainy PNW days. I kayak, I swim in our community pool, I do 7-minute workouts, I do cross fit, I watch MAYBE 4 hours of TV in 7 days…..I do things people.

I am not a binge eater…I do not sneak food when no one is looking…I don’t “do” drive-throughs (I was diagnosed Celiac 2 years ago and my doctor was just SURE the pounds would melt away when I gave up gluten….rrriiigghhhtttt)…and I don’t get a craving and get in my car and go buy what ever I am craving. But for some reason I am holding on to this weight and I DO NOT know why. I recently miscarried and that was the first time in my life I was genuinely depressed. Sure I have been sad or upset before but NOTHING like that. I just really stopped caring about a lot of things. I stopped talking to people…I really did not think about what I was eating found myself having a GF beer or hard cider at night which is NOT something I do anymore. Something was wrong and I knew it. I have also been feeling bored. I have been teaching now for 8 years and I feel like I have that shit down. I have figured out my magic system and it works for me and my kids. I enjoy it…I LOVE it when I help a kid “see the light” so to speak. But there is not a lot of challenge there now…its all kinda like busy work. I love working with teachers but that too has become almost routine. I have a GREAT relationship with the hubs…my family is SOLID…I have THE most amazing friends…great home…a sweet car…an ever sweeter HAWKED out kayak…a super nice Manduka Yoga Mat…56 designer handbags…I have been to Europe I dont know how many times now…I am just bored. I have worked my ASS off to get HERE and now that I am HERE I am kinda bored. But what is EVEN worse is that I DO NOT know what my next adventure will be. Its terrifying really. I have always had a goal…something I am working towards and that is how I operate. But I am out of goals at the moment because the next big thing for me was-what I thought- motherhood and starting our family. When that came to a tragic end I realized that my weight was the only thing holding me back. I have seen EVERY doctor, EVERY specialist and had EVERY test done. And the results are ALWAYS the same…”Well…it could be Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome…or it could be your weight.” “Your foot could be swelling because you have a vein that is restricted…but I cant tell if its just a bad vein or if your weight is crushing it”. So what your telling me is I am living in medical limbo-land…AWESOME. I have done the pill thing…I have done all the scans and scopes and minor surgeries and I am tired of all of that. Medical issues are just human…I get that. But I am ready for a medical issue that is NOT weight related. I am ready to walk into a doctors office and NOT see the look of shock on their faces when my tests results come back negative for diabetes…high cholesterol…high blood pressure. Thank my genetic stars I have NO weight related medical conditions-yet. They are coming…I can feel them trying to sneak into my bones and under my skin…they are just around the corner. I have an amazing life…the kind of life that most people are envious of.  I want to continue to make people jealous for many many MANY more years to come.

So…to sum up. I am an awesome person who does not have a good relationship with food. I have an amazing life that makes people jealous and I want to keep this awesome life going. Oh…and I am TERRIFIED. Did I not mention that earlier? I am out-of-my-mind terrified. My Mary- long time family therapist who because our personal Jesus- would say something like “Well that would indicate a problem. Do you think you are addicted to food?” Or she would just jot in her notes and look at my with a half smile and say “Well thats interesting…” AAHAHAAH!!! MARY!!! Why do you play with my emotions like that!!! But really, I don’t know what I will find along this journey and it could be ugly and I get panicky when I don’t eat breakfast so…yeah…

MY ACTION PLAN: I will be spending the next year and lifetime understanding why I am holding on to this weight, RELEASING at least 100 pounds back to the universe (I am not losing anything…I will NOT be seeking out these pounds again…this is not a game of hide-and-go-seek), and learning how to enjoy life and food and drinks in a way that will not kill me. I am signing up for 15 weeks at 30/10 Weight Loss for Life (super structured Atkins on steroids program where you eat their food breakfast and lunch and your provide your own dinners) and seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction weekly if not daily. After 15 weeks of 30/10 I will evaluate my progress and if that program is not working I am packing my bags and heading to impatient treatment out-of-state.

I am making this public for a few reasons. It will hold me accountable…writing about what I am going through might help me understand what I am going through…and it might help YOU get through your scary place and assist you in making the decision that I have…that holding on to this weight is no longer an option.

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