This about sums it up. Well kind of…the blog name “The Struggle…” was taken already so I went with “Thee Struggle…” Thee: archaic or dialect form of YOU, as the singular object of a verb or preposition. I thought that was more fitting anyways for a blog about me for me. I am hoping that by writing about what I am going through I will better understand it. And process is important to me…I like easy to follow steps. But in this case there ARE not steps to follow. My situation is unique to me…my struggle is unique to me. There are things and people out there that will help me along the way but these steps are uncharted. If I do lose my way at least least I will have my steps up to what ever point I got lost to help me find my way back. And I would have appreciated reading someone else’s stuggle too as I made this decision to change. So if it does not exist I shall CREATE it! So maybe this blog can help you or someone you know. If it is not personal it does not matter and we humans tend to not pay attention to whatever someone is trying to teach us. I learned that little gem in my 8 years of teaching experience. If its not personal to them…its not going to stick. So…there you go…lesson 1 is complete.
What EVER you are struggling with…that pain and ache is REAL. It is NOT imagined and it is UNIQUE to you. I am struggling with food. Its something we humans HAVE to do-EAT…we HAVE to eat. And my struggle is very public. Everyone KNOWS I am overweight. People who are closest to me RELALY know I am overweight. They have watched me put it on for 15 years now. Alcoholics and drugs addicts can hide there addictions…only their close ones know. But everyone knows mine and every other person who is heavy or PLUS size…I bet they are even judging me for the way I look or the food I buy. My close friends were kind of shocked when I told them I was going to “treatment” for food addiction. They looked at me with confused faces…”But you are athletic?!” “I don’t think your fat!” I love my friends. They have loved me for so long they just don’t see it anymore. My amazing personality and humor has gotten the best of them.
It is also really hard to “feel” you weight in your own body. It was put on over time and you do not remember what your lighter self feels like anymore. I always thought it was just because I eat some bad food every now and then…that I drank a few too many for too many weekends…that I am not hitting the gym enough or I need to add a few more reps in. But the more I tried to get it off the heavier I became. Sizes went up over the years and life got busy…then really busy…then one day you catch yourself in some mirror in a store and you think “That is NOT me…where am I?” Then I had a miscarriage and my new OB said “Well…you could have PCOS…or it could be the excess weight. YES you can get pregnant… but that pregnancy is going to be awful. You will probably be on bedrest…you will have to wear compression stockings the whole time to keep your feet and legs from swelling. You run a higher risk of gestational diabetes and birthing complication. You could also have a larger baby that would result in a C-Section. But you CAN conceive.” Oh…swell.. Sign me up for THAT.
So…the time has come for me to figure out why I am holding onto this weight…figure out how to think of food as nutrition and not something social or fun…learn how to eat so that food will not kill me. For many of us- who am I kidding- for ALL of us, the struggle IS real!