MAN! The past few weeks I was really doing well and not feeling hungry often. The hunger was sometimes mental but most of the time my hunger was real true hunger…I needed something to eat. But this week I am back to feeling hungry all the time…even after eating. There have been a few moments of hanger even!

I am finding myself eating more than I should and not stopping at the first signs that I am full. This is not happening all the time but it is happening some of the time. Some meals I cannot finish everything and some meals I am going back for more salad or protein. Good news here is that I think I know WHY: indulgences and activity.

Indulgences

Last Thursdays session with David was all about listening and observing. When I choose to indulge what am I thinking and feeling as I am eating. Am I enjoying it? Is it as tasty and satisfying as I had thought? Was it worth it? After I have eaten it, how am I feeling and what am I thinking? Did that indulgence leave me wanting more? Did I bring on cravings or feelings of weakness? Did that one indulgence lead to another later that day or the next day? How does my body feel the day after? If I can listen and be honest about what I am observing I will have my own answers to indulgences. So here is a list of my honest indulgences this week and it is the most indulgent-heavy week I have had since starting 30/10.

• July 9th= Cheesy Garlic Bread with our anniversary dinner. The first few bites taste great…that is how it always starts. But then it became just TOO  much. It was too much bread and too much cheese. I could feel it taking up every space in my stomach and at the same time doing nothing for my hunger. My stomach felt full to capacity but I was still “hungry”. Empty food on so many levels. And it was a HUG piece of bread. It was just too big and too much on so many levels. I will be skipping that in the future.
• July 11th: S’Mores. These freaking things keep haunting my life this summer. The Johnson family came over for a delicious on plan dinner and it was delicious! After dinner we made a fire and roasted S’Mores. I think I might have made myself the perfect S’More. It was perfectly toasted brown, the graham crackers were fresh, and the chocolate was perfectly melted. It was seriously the perfect s’more. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed a s’more could be. But then I had a second and that was a mistake. Too much everything again. Too much sugar…too much graham…just too much. I should have stopped at one. Next time…just one and done. But only if it is PERFECT. If that marshmallow is not the color of a golden sun and the grahams are not FRESH I am NOT having one.
• July 13th= Stella Cidere’. So last night we say Amos Lee and David Gray at Marymoor Park in Redmond. That venue is AMAZING. So close and so small and so quaint. The big white rustic tents…the food trucks…the old-fashioned glass party lights draped from tree to tree. It was almost magical.

• We stopped at  local restaurant for dinner and mine was 90% on plan. I had halibut tacos in corn tortillas and they were really good. But when we got tot he venue my heart just ached. I wanted to sit i the grass with a cool beverage and just chill out to the hipster sounds of Lee and Gray. Grady looked at me and saw the longing in my eyes and said “Lets have a drink”. OH thank GOD. YES PLEASE LETS HAVE A DRINK. We met some of Grady’s friends there and had a lovely time catching up and relaxing on the grass with out beverages. Stella makes a DELICIOUS cider that is so smooth and not very sweet. It is the perfect cider in my opinion. Not sweet but a hint of apple. We were at the venue at 5:00pm and did not leave until 11:00pm! It was a LONG show and I had 4 ciders throughout the night. The last one was not a Stella however..it was a Jonny Appleseed and it was NASTY…TOO sweet. Again- moral of the story- if it does not taste good don’t eat/drink it. Even though you might want it REALLY bad its just not going to cut it. You will regret it in so many ways the next day…the next hour. The last cider made me a bit sick to my stomach. It was just too sweet and again too much. WE got home around 1am and when I finally crawled into bed I felt like total shit. I was too full and felt sloshy from all the liquid. When I got up this morning I felt like I was 80…kinda creeky and stiff. I think it was the Appleseed that made me feel that way…Stella would never do me dirty like that. The 3 Stellas were worth it. I am not craving more drinks today and I did not crave more last night…especially after the Appleseed. As Grady and I we sitting in our seats listening to the awesome beat boxing of Amos Less I was watching the trees gently swaying in the breeze…noticing how the setting sun was casting its final rays through the branches and lighting up the park, seeing how the little yellow orbs were starting to glow from the hanging lights around the venue…it all felt wonderful. Then Amos Lee said something about how this is the life..this is all we should be seeking…good music in the venue like this…in a place like this…I think he said something about beer and baseball caps…what more do you need. And I felt he was right. The simple things are what its all about. How fortunate that we live in a place where we can do that…seek simplicity and find joy in music…friends…and some beer. It was another great moment of normalcy for me. That felt like my old life but it was not my old life. My old life would have been a not so healthy meal and way more drinks than 4. I would have still noticed the trees and the setting sun but those things we a bit sweeter because I was appreciating everything as a big package. I was full…I was satisfied. There was nothing in that moment of time that I wanted and food was nowhere in my brains orbit of thought. What a cool feeling. I would like to feel that way often if not all the time.

• The moral of the indulgences: I am not craving booze. YEAH. Tasted delicious and was totally worth it. Garlic cheesy bread- uhhhh-still makes me cringe. If it was a small piece I would have been golden but too big of a piece. I felt REALLY hungry the next day and I think that is because it was just such a big meal. My stomach had a massive amount of food all at once and that has not happened in 7 weeks. Old habits die HARD and I can tell that eating that big meal was not good for my brain. I know now that I feel better when I eat smaller meals and when those meals are just protein and veggies. The s’more was totally worth it but did leave me with some cravings the next day. I did not give into those cravings even though I have some 30/10 treats that are 100% on plan. But I could tell that I wanted something. I am getting OK with these cravings. I am starting to recognize them for what they are…the mouth piece of my addiction. My body does NOT need _______ but my brain sure things it does. If I can recognize these cravings and kinda talk them down from the ledge its ok. And This week I have been trying a new tactic…when I notice and recognize these feelings or cravings and I just cant get them to go away I get my ass up and do something active. It helps in the moment and sometimes helps for the rest of the day.

Activity

30/10 does NOT recommend any strenuous workout during the weight loss phase of their program. Activity naturally increases your hunger because your body is working and requiring more energy to sustain its current levels. 30/10 is very carb restrictive and therefore not a huge energy booting program. They want you to be “active” but what they really mean is what most people normally do…active around the house. Laundry, cleaning, gardening…that kind of active. Well I had had my fill of that kind of active. I was also noticing that I was running out of things to do. I am in the middle of an OK book…I will finish it but it is kinda dragging on. The house is clean and the laundry is done. We leave for Alaska in a few days but cant do any packing until we get back to Fed Way. Summer School is winding down…the flowers are looking great…I was getting bored and when I get bored I eat. So I decided it was time to get active again…my kind of active. But increasing my active does mean that I will be hungrier. I need to be even more focused on following the plan and getting in all my 30/10 food every day. So every day I have done something “athletic”; kayaking, walking, yoga. Some days it is one of those things and other days it is all 3.

• My kayak feels a bit different now that I have released some weight. My lifejacket fits differently, my kayak rides differently in the water and my paddle stoke is different because my arms are resting in a different spot. I know this might sound so weird but those are my observations. I cant see a difference in m clothes but I can feel a difference in my kayak. CRA CRA. So I am almost re-teaching myself how to kayak in my own boat. A new stroke and aa new paddle cadence.

• I walked 3 miles the other day under a 15 minute pace. 15 minute mile is marathon walking pace and the last time that pace happened I was walking the Seattle Marathon. I enjoy walking but it has been a struggle the past few years. The outside of my lower legs KILL. I mean the muscles feel like that are going to rip away at their mountings at any second. it is not a good feeling. But recently those feelings have almost completely gone away. I get the muscle strains every now and then but they do not last long…I can walk through them so to speak and be totally ok. Needless to say- I have really been enjoying walking. Every day I go out I try to go a bit further or at least get to where I walked the day before. I must sound like a dying person hoofing it up the hills but I don’t care. I am out there doing it and that is all that matters.

• Ahhhh…yoga. I finally found a video of a Bikram modified sequence that is VERY similar to classes I take in Federal Way. I cannot do the advanced stuff and sometimes finding the basics can be hard. But I finally found it and have been doing it all week. It feels REALLY good. I can do poses that I never could do before and can hold poses for longer stretches of time. On nice days I can practice on the upper deck that overlooks the lake. It is a beautiful place to be and practice but it is a mental challenge sometimes too. There are a ton of distractions…boats and Sea-Doos flying by, construction trucks on the roads going to and from their remodels, Army and Air Force helicopters cruising above, kids playing in the water…there can be a lot going on here at times. I am really missing my studio. The constant heat, the stillness, the calming effects of the teachers voice guiding you through your practice, the gentle adjustments or words of encouragement, the dedicated and protected interruption free time and space…I miss my studio. But this will have to do for now. I will return to the studio in September and that will feel wonderful. For now this will just have to work and I will have to work my brain harder to focus on the yoga and not the world happening around me.

Thursday will be my 8th weight in. I cannot believe that two months have already gone by. My goal is to be down 30 pounds. I need to release 1.6 pounds this week for that to happen. Like I said- this was the most indulgent week so far and that does have me a bit worried. My goal for Alaska will be to just maintain. While we will be getting in our walking some days other days we will not…we will just be on the boat. Our meals on board will be on plan and I have already decided what I will be indulging in on this trip. But if I could leave for Alaska 30 pounds lighter than the last time I was there that would be awesome. Today and tomorrow are 100% on plan for me and will be filled with activity. I know a Thursday will come where the results are not positive. I hope this Thursday is not that day…but I know that day has to come.

I am starting to build faith in the program and faith in myself. Faith is a funny concept to me because I do not understand if from a religious perspective and that is where most people come to understand this word. But despite some setbacks and indulgences I am still seeing progress and results. I continue to release my weight and continue to learn new things about myself, my addiction, and my future. If I follow the 30/10 program it will work. Simple as that. They tell you this all the time and people who have been through the program will tell you the same. But until you have worked it and lived it those words just don’t have any meaning. Maybe it is because you have tried it all before and not had the results you wanted. so you lose faith and confidence. But I have been doing this long enough to know that it works if you allow it to…if you squash those thoughts and ideas and overcome your desires and just follow the program. And when I am not following the program I have faith in myself that I will not go backwards. I will indulge and seek normalcy but in a different way. I might have a bad day but that will not equate any longer to a bad week or to giving up on any “program”. I can find a balance between normal and on-plan now that will allow me to reach my goals and not make me feel totally isolated. I don’t have it all figured out yet but I will and that is all that matters.