To my shock I was down this morning…1.5 pounds down! Was not expecting that. I kinda miss the days of losing 3-4 pounds a week. I … Continue reading Day 200: Down!
FITNESS happens at the gym…WEIGHT LOSS happens in the kitchen. Continue reading Day 197: Sweatin’
I feel like I have come full circle with 30/10. I have done it all…made the scary decision to do it, fought off the demons and hunger pains of the beginning, admitted that I use food to get through life, found a counselor who could help me through the addiction side of my food issues, experienced the highs of releasing weight, gotten pissed and “paused”, but the most important part- maintain my new lower weight. That is how I KNOW this was the program for me…I have maintained. I will never go back. I know TOO MUCH now about myself and my addiction to let it control my life again. Continue reading Day 186: Well…down is down
I saw David today and had a LONG conversation/discussion about my question from yesterday, “Why am I delaying the inevitable?” I left my session feeling extremely validated. I told him I felt like I was doing the work on my own that we do together; I was taking time to think about the bigger questions and answering them honestly, not stopping until my gut feeling was peaceful with my responses. It was nice to talk about my process and not totally focus on the issue. It was even nicer to know that my process is valid and truthful and helpful. Continue reading Day 185: Validated
I did the program for 15 weeks and dropped 45 pounds. It was a rollercoaster- the beginning was awful then it got easy and doo-able, then it got really hard again. By that time my 15 weeks was up and I signed up for another 15 weeks but I was BURNT OUT. I was tired of doing it. I was not tired of losing weight but I was tired of the program and their food. I stated missing enjoying food and while maybe that is the goal it seemed like a pretty cruel goal. Then the holidays came and now i’m here…January 19th…wondering why I am delaying the inevitable. Continue reading Day 184: Delaying the Inevitable
“The choices you have made with addiction were once intelligent, adaptive life skills intending to support your very survival. Everyone’s “life skills” set is generated out of his or her earliest life experiences and experiments. Our early attempts to understand, soothe, enjoy, connect, belong, or express ourselves, to name a few of our fundamental human needs, were all mini-research experiments for life…your early research discovered that food…worked to soothe, numb, or distract you, or to create a sense of agency of control. Food became a medium through which you met your needs. Sadly they became painfully overused, maladaptive, and ineffective. This leads you to your current circumstances: with a skill set that lacks a diverse set of tools for responding to life.” Sarahjoy Marsh Continue reading Day 180: Painful
I have to stop listening to my addiction. Sounds easy! I think that is what makes addiction so powerful. Everyone has voices that speak to them. People who are not necessarily addicted can just talk back to their voices and their voices listen and don’t pitch too big of a fit. People who are addicted have voices that take over all their senses including their eyeballs and they just wont stop screaming until you just to what they say. Then once you have given in it sits back and say “See? That was not so bad…why do you fight me so much?” while your rational brain is crying crocodile tears because you really didn’t want to do that and now feel physically and emotional worse that you did before you gave in. It’s the most abusive relationship you have ever been in and getting out of that relationship is like trying to get the white out of rice. Continue reading Day 173: I Don’t Wanna
But at the party last night I enjoyed a regular meal (I did have seconds of the potatoes and jello salad and if you would have tasted them you would know why), I had two glasses of wine, and one small sugar cookie and 3 pieces of chocolate. Pretty normal for any human. While moms food was DELICIOUS, I remember the conversations and playing with the kids and showing off the truck more than the food and THAT is a monumental change that I can be thankful for. My weight might not be releasing at the rate that I want it to and I have to take another pause of my program…but things are different and those differences outweigh any questions that I may have about myself or that others have of me. Continue reading Days 146, 147: Fat, Happy, and HUNGRY!
So the continued lesson of this adventure: sometimes food is an OK tool to use to feel normal. When its checked and public and reasonable it’s ok. Sometimes it is needed to help the healing and anger and the hurt and the confusion and the return to normalcy. Continue reading Days 144, 145:Coming to Grips
It has been a year of adjusting and a year of things that made me uncomfortable and sad and anxious and nervous. That is not who I naturally am…the year seemed to be against who I was. That is fitting since in many ways I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I really have changed. Maybe it back to the whole mourning thing…that seems to be cycling in my life every month or so. Things get going on a right path and I seem to be pushed off of that path. Maybe it’s a growth pattern…Growth can be uncomfortable I guess. I am tired of being uncomfortable.I am tired of feeling like I am constantly in mourning. I am ready for the familiar and cozy. Continue reading Day 143: The Day Before