Category: Weight Loss

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Fear, Weight Loss2 Comments

Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

awesomeapril

I have to stop listening to my addiction. Sounds easy! I think that is what makes addiction so powerful. Everyone has voices that speak to them. People who are not necessarily addicted can just talk back to their voices and their voices listen and don’t pitch too big of a fit. People who are addicted have voices that take over all their senses including their eyeballs and they just wont stop screaming until you just to what they say. Then once you have given in it sits back and say “See? That was not so bad…why do you fight me so much?” while your rational brain is crying crocodile tears because you really didn’t want to do that and now feel physically and emotional worse that you did before you gave in. It’s the most abusive relationship you have ever been in and getting out of that relationship is like trying to get the white out of rice. Continue reading Day 173: I Don’t Wanna

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Grateful, Weight Loss6 Comments

Days 146, 147: Fat, Happy, and HUNGRY!

awesomeapril

But at the party last night I enjoyed a regular meal (I did have seconds of the potatoes and jello salad and if you would have tasted them you would know why), I had two glasses of wine, and one small sugar cookie and 3 pieces of chocolate. Pretty normal for any human. While moms food was DELICIOUS, I remember the conversations and playing with the kids and showing off the truck more than the food and THAT is a monumental change that I can be thankful for. My weight might not be releasing at the rate that I want it to and I have to take another pause of my program…but things are different and those differences outweigh any questions that I may have about myself or that others have of me. Continue reading Days 146, 147: Fat, Happy, and HUNGRY!

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Fear, Weight Loss2 Comments

Day 143: The Day Before

awesomeapril

It has been a year of adjusting and a year of things that made me uncomfortable and sad and anxious and nervous. That is not who I naturally am…the year seemed to be against who I was. That is fitting since in many ways I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I really have changed. Maybe it back to the whole mourning thing…that seems to be cycling in my life every month or so. Things get going on a right path and I seem to be pushed off of that path. Maybe it’s a growth pattern…Growth can be uncomfortable I guess. I am tired of being uncomfortable.I am tired of feeling like I am constantly in mourning. I am ready for the familiar and cozy. Continue reading Day 143: The Day Before

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Fear, Inspiration, Motivation, Weight Loss4 Comments

Days 137-141: An Old Plan

awesomeapril

Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Continue reading Days 137-141: An Old Plan

30/10, 30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Weight Loss3 Comments

36 Days

awesomeapril

It has been 36 days since I have written about my struggle. There are a lot of reason for this; I was moving back into my house, I was struggling to stay on plan, I was not feeling good about many aspects of my life, I was busy, I was tired…the list is endless but really the only reason that counts is that I was relapsing. Why the hell would acknowledge to the world that I had jumped back on that highway of food and did not plan on taking the next exit anytime soon? I was tired of fighting every element of my life and I was tired of being not happy so I just kinda existed for 36 days. Continue reading 36 Days

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Weight Loss6 Comments

Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

awesomeapril

Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs

Weight Loss4 Comments

Day 132: Relapse

awesomeapril

I think what has been the hardest thing this week is once again realizing that I have a serious issue with food. Its not just a little issue…it is a big issue and it does control my life sometimes. I am an addict. I hate saying that or hearing that from David. That is SO hard to admit; that I have no control over this. As David pointed out today, we really do not have control over anything in our lives. We can control our actions and our throughs and we do things in hopes that those actions will have the outcome that we desire but really we control nothing. Continue reading Day 132: Relapse

30/10 Weight Loss for Life, Failure, Fear, Weight Loss8 Comments

Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.

awesomeapril

I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.