So the continued lesson of this adventure: sometimes food is an OK tool to use to feel normal. When its checked and public and reasonable it’s ok. Sometimes it is needed to help the healing and anger and the hurt and the confusion and the return to normalcy. Continue reading Days 144, 145:Coming to Grips
It has been a year of adjusting and a year of things that made me uncomfortable and sad and anxious and nervous. That is not who I naturally am…the year seemed to be against who I was. That is fitting since in many ways I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I really have changed. Maybe it back to the whole mourning thing…that seems to be cycling in my life every month or so. Things get going on a right path and I seem to be pushed off of that path. Maybe it’s a growth pattern…Growth can be uncomfortable I guess. I am tired of being uncomfortable.I am tired of feeling like I am constantly in mourning. I am ready for the familiar and cozy. Continue reading Day 143: The Day Before
Relapse is the actual usage. But what it takes to get to relapse can be a long and drawn out process. Relapse involves behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. I have certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trigger my need/desire/want to overeat. If I can recognize these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and acknowledge them for what they are I have a very good change of not relapsing. I can also recognize and focus on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that will take me further and further away from relapse and into recovery when I am in the relapse spectrum. Continue reading Days 137-141: An Old Plan
It has been 36 days since I have written about my struggle. There are a lot of reason for this; I was moving back into my house, I was struggling to stay on plan, I was not feeling good about many aspects of my life, I was busy, I was tired…the list is endless but really the only reason that counts is that I was relapsing. Why the hell would acknowledge to the world that I had jumped back on that highway of food and did not plan on taking the next exit anytime soon? I was tired of fighting every element of my life and I was tired of being not happy so I just kinda existed for 36 days. Continue reading 36 Days
Were all of those options available every day? Yes. Were they convenient or did they fit with my schedule? No. Could I have been 100% perfect on all of those days? No. And that is the truthful answer. Could I have been on plan most of those days. 100% yes. And thats what hurts. I made the choice to not be on plan and not do what was right. To really make this work I have to make the right decisions every day, every meal time, every snack time… forever. Continue reading Days 140-158: Ups and Downs
I can still grieve the old one…I learned today that I have permission to do so. Just because you are grieving something does not mean that you don’t like your current situation. They are two separate things. Continue reading Days 133-139: Grieving
I have to get back on track and am really struggling to do that. I am lacking the will power or motivation to get back on track even though I am feeling like garbage. It even feels like my clothes are not fitting right again. It’s like I can feel myself getting bigger and that is still not enough to kick my ass back on plan. I am exhausted from life and work and the thought of doing the work that was required of me Week 1 of 30/10 makes me not want to do it. I don’t want the hunger pains again and the feeling of constant hunger and the notion of denial and the self pity and loathing and all the other shit that came with the first few weeks of 30/10. Continue reading Days 130, 131: The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY.
She asked why and I said that I had no kitchen and had to eat out. She then asked if I could have eaten on plan while eating out and of course the answer is YES. And se said- “So you cant blame your choices on eat out now can you?” GOD DAMMIT Grandma can’t I have one day…three days where I just don’t think or deal with the struggle? Her answer is NO…you do not get a pass or a day off until you have released all your weight. Continue reading Days 126-129: Life Upside down
This really is the most weight I have ever released. In the past 10 years I have only seen my weight creep up and up and up. Grady has never known me at this weight and that seems kinda weird. I don’t think he thinks its weird but I think it would be different to see someone actually change their look and shape in front of your eyes. I get that kids grow up but we are used to seeing and witnessing that. It is not very often that adults shape shift! Continue reading Day 125: KILLER Results!
I am little nervous about weight in later in the day. My normal time is 9am and on those days I shower and head to 30/10. Now I will have the whole day for my fat to soak up anything I eat and that scares the shit out of me. My goal is to be down 2.0 pounds tomorrow…that extra time better not screw with my scale! Continue reading Day 124: The Day Before
Thee Struggle is REAL! 