My thoughts about tomorrow have not changed…I am counting a victory if my fat is down and my weight is whatever it is going to be. I have to only be concerned with the fat and not the scale number. It is hard to do when society is focused on your weight and not really your health. But society be damned…I want to be healthy and fat free and that is all that matters. Continue reading Day 111: The 15th Day Before
Even if I am the same of UP, if my FAT is DOWN that counts as a victory. it is not about my weight as long as my fat is coming down. The weight will release as the muscle increases and stabilizes…or at least this is my working theory 🙂 Continue reading Days 105-110: Car Shows and Boat Tours
I can tell that things are changing because my clothes are fitting differently and I noticed today that I just take up less space on my yoga mat. My arms and legs can move in directions that they just could not before. My body might not ever look the way that I want it to and I have to be ok with that. Like releasing weight…I have to take it one goal at a time. Continue reading Days 103, 104: Back to School!
It was RELAXING. I did 5 minutes of work the whole weekend and stayed off of social media for the most part. I visited with my grandparents and aunt and uncle…I watched the Hawks and Mariners…Grady and my boy cousins helped me figure out my fantasy draft (which is an EPIC team…I have the #1 draft spot)…and I watched the stormy weather roll up and down the canal. It felt really good. It was just what my soul needed. I don’t think it was what my addiction needed or my plan called for but it was what I needed to recharge and move on from this funk I think. I hope. Continue reading Days 99-102: The COUNSEL
My body is revolting and hanging on to every ounce of water apparently…my brain hurts from thinking about work…my eyes are sore…my muscles are sore…I think ever body system is pissed off and wants OUT. I need some sleep and I need some clarity. I don’t even know if that will help. I don’t know what I need because I know that whatever I turn to is not going to make any of this go away. I know I just have to walk through it and deal with it as it comes. Continue reading Days 97-98 Gutter Balls
I am the one throwing this off. And that makes it all the worst feeling ever. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just pull my shit together and do this? Every fucking time I feel like I have moved forward or on from where I was I get bitch slapped back into my place. I think this is the point in the relationship that I walk out. OHHHHHHHH but here’s the thing. If I leave this relationship (struggle) now I will end up in worse place then where I started. So I continue to stay in this abusive relationship, getting slapped a few times a week? I guess so…that is my only option at the moment. Continue reading Days 92-96: Ups and Downs
But THIS is the power of addiction. It keeps you in this miserable cycle, keeps you isolated and “faking it until you make it”, keeps you smiling and gives you just enough energy to try the next big thing that promises to rid your body of that vile stuff. But its all a game. You addition will never let you out of this cycle of hope and despair….it wants you here…it needs you here to survive. It keeps you thinking that YOU are the problem…you are the idiot who cannot figure it out…you are the dumbass who eats too much too often! There is NOTHING you can do to get out…you are stuck in this life of misery and fatness forever. Or so it would have you believe. Continue reading Day 91: The Results are IN!
Trying to focus on the goal has been huge this week…remembering why I am doing this and using some of the techniques I have learned to get past the cravings have helped. It is hard to use them all the time. It really does take some brain power to engage and use those strategies whenever hunger and cravings strike. It is WAY easier to just eat _____ and move on but that is what got me here in the first place. Continue reading Days 89, 90: The Day Before
I am hoping this dedicated focus will also help me in the struggle. Maybe if I am more focused and intentional with work and life it will spill over to my releasing goals. All I can do is try…observe…and adjust as needed. Continue reading Day 87: Normal Kinda Day
The struggle today was no match for my..well..my day. I has SHIT TO DO and was busy doing that. I also finished my book The Martian by Andy Weir and when I am reading I have NO TIME for the struggle. It was a great, on-plan day. No real cravings…no real issues. I think making all those lists helped. It lessened my anxiety about a lot of things and cleared up some pictures that had been covered in dust. Maybe that is something to add to “Thee One Who Struggles Knows This For Sure” list…that lists help lessen the struggle. Continue reading Day 86: More Lists
Thee Struggle is REAL! 