And before I left for yoga I put on a workout jacket that I have not worn in a long time and I didn’t feel any different!!! Are you KIDDING ME? Thursday cannot come quick enough. I was 100% on plan today. Big freaking deal. At least the struggle took a back seat to the rest of the shitshow that is my life right now. Continue reading Day 123: Thursday needs to GET HERE.
These stresses cause me to eat…or at least want to eat for no other reason that I can use food to dull out the stress and pain I am in and not think about it for some time. It really is true….when you are in the addiction action you really don’t think about anything. You are just numb. Your brain stops working…there are no thoughts in your head…you just check out. It is easier to check out than be mad and angry and sad and unhappy. Continue reading Day 122: 100% On-Plan
Most of the things I did last week did not get me to where I wanted to be the next day. My 30/10 check in on Thursday was good but it wasn’t. I was up 1.1 pounds. I had lost 1.1 pounds of fat and I was up in muscle but seeing that you are 1.1 pounds heavier is just so hard to take. It is so hard to break away from your weight number and focus on your fat numbers. Positive results are seeing the fat pounds go down and down and down and that is what is happening. Why can’t I be happy with that? Continue reading Days 115-122; ROUGH Week
Today was a somewhat difficult food day. It was 100% on plan but a difficult day none the less. 100% on plan days are the most difficult days because you have to confront the reasons behind the hunger and that just gets old and hard. I am having MAJOR cravings for chocolate (my aunt is visiting…I really hate her) and I was hungry most of the day today. I am hungry now just writing…I get is because I was writing about food. See…that is all it takes for your stomach to convince your brain that you need food. Continue reading Day 114: Soup and Sunshine
My thoughts about tomorrow have not changed…I am counting a victory if my fat is down and my weight is whatever it is going to be. I have to only be concerned with the fat and not the scale number. It is hard to do when society is focused on your weight and not really your health. But society be damned…I want to be healthy and fat free and that is all that matters. Continue reading Day 111: The 15th Day Before
Even if I am the same of UP, if my FAT is DOWN that counts as a victory. it is not about my weight as long as my fat is coming down. The weight will release as the muscle increases and stabilizes…or at least this is my working theory 🙂 Continue reading Days 105-110: Car Shows and Boat Tours
I can tell that things are changing because my clothes are fitting differently and I noticed today that I just take up less space on my yoga mat. My arms and legs can move in directions that they just could not before. My body might not ever look the way that I want it to and I have to be ok with that. Like releasing weight…I have to take it one goal at a time. Continue reading Days 103, 104: Back to School!
It was RELAXING. I did 5 minutes of work the whole weekend and stayed off of social media for the most part. I visited with my grandparents and aunt and uncle…I watched the Hawks and Mariners…Grady and my boy cousins helped me figure out my fantasy draft (which is an EPIC team…I have the #1 draft spot)…and I watched the stormy weather roll up and down the canal. It felt really good. It was just what my soul needed. I don’t think it was what my addiction needed or my plan called for but it was what I needed to recharge and move on from this funk I think. I hope. Continue reading Days 99-102: The COUNSEL
My body is revolting and hanging on to every ounce of water apparently…my brain hurts from thinking about work…my eyes are sore…my muscles are sore…I think ever body system is pissed off and wants OUT. I need some sleep and I need some clarity. I don’t even know if that will help. I don’t know what I need because I know that whatever I turn to is not going to make any of this go away. I know I just have to walk through it and deal with it as it comes. Continue reading Days 97-98 Gutter Balls
I am the one throwing this off. And that makes it all the worst feeling ever. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just pull my shit together and do this? Every fucking time I feel like I have moved forward or on from where I was I get bitch slapped back into my place. I think this is the point in the relationship that I walk out. OHHHHHHHH but here’s the thing. If I leave this relationship (struggle) now I will end up in worse place then where I started. So I continue to stay in this abusive relationship, getting slapped a few times a week? I guess so…that is my only option at the moment. Continue reading Days 92-96: Ups and Downs
Thee Struggle is REAL! 